I want to forget certain events. How can I do it?

Sometimes a client comes to a psychologist with such a request. They may be tormented by the memories of what has happened to them. The source of pain is not just the events themselves, but also the difficult feelings that these memories bring up: resentment, fear, vulnerability, etc.

It is easy to understand why the client wants to forget – as if these events have never happened. They want to turn off their unbearable feelings, to run away, to hide… But… is this the right approach?

An attempt to turn off difficult emotions usually makes the person stop feeling. It is not possible to turn off only some emotions – the switch is common. The person will lower the intensity of all their emotions, and in this case, they will stop experiencing not only sadness and misery, but joy, interest, and excitement as well. The price of having the past without memories is too high.

Besides, it is not very realistic. Memory is a very strict lady – you cannot “negotiate” with her no matter how hard you try.

But it does not mean that we are doomed to wallow in pain forever.

If you have a desire to forget then you need to do the following:

… analyze your experience. Yes, these events occurred, and you experienced pain (or resentment, or anxiety). But these are your assets, they contributed to making you who you are. You have the ability to let go of this experience and stop being fixated on it, stop making it the centerpiece of your life. What’s past is past.

… experience your emotions directly, without filters. Stop running away from them because the more you are trying to avoid them the more power they have over you. Pain? Accept that you are hurting. Let yourself feel it, let yourself cry. Rage? Be angry at someone, at the circumstances, at yourself. And move on.

… change your approach to what has happened. Many things can happen to us. Our lives are not always simple and smooth. Sometimes, people break up with us, sometimes we do really stupid things. Bad things happen to good people – this is beyond our control. There is no reason to blame yourself for the rest of your life. You simply need to reconsider your role in these events.

… switch your attention to something else. When you want to forget you forcefully push out your negative thoughts, but… It is not so easy to stop thinking about a white elephant. As soon as you say it, the white giant firmly settles in your thoughts. And this is normal! You need to switch your dominant thought to something else, for example to a blue monkey. Therefore, if one thought is painful for you, do not push it out, just let another thought in. Instead of “I really screwed up in that meeting last week” think “I was awesome at answering clients’ difficult questions during yesterday’s presentation” ?

Do not ask the question “how to forget” because… no matter where you go you always take yourself with you. It is better to be a whole person with everything that has happened in your life. This gives you experience and it is something you can rely upon.