Dana is 25. Dana has no friends.
I want to make friends and I lack a warm and strong relationship with other people. But, nobody I meet is interested in me, they show up only if they need something, and then distance themselves.
I myself force myself to be active, communicative. But there’s only one result – people lose interest and distance themselves. When I try to fix something, I feel like I’m forcing my own company on them.
I’d like to have friends, to have my affections returned.
The first thing we’ll do with Dana is divide the problems. Indeed, there are, in fact, not one, but several “sores” at once in her request.
Facts
- friendships aren’t being formed
- people use me
- no mutual interest in being friends
Attitudes:
- people need something from me
- I’m not an interesting person
Actions:
- I force myself to be active
- I force myself on people
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The second is considering the reasons. When the same thing happens time and time again, this speaks of a sort of system. And a system always has internal reasons.
Perhaps somewhere inside Dana there’s a reason for the lack of friendships – maybe it’s a fear that they will betray her again, a fear of trusting and confiding in someone. In this case, a person can build invisible walls around them, from which others try to stay away. Therefore, it’s important to recall your various friendship experiences and look for any serious, traumatic events within it related to the loss of confidence.
Thirdly, Dana writes that she is forcing herself to make contact. So does it turn out that being an initiator is unpleasant? Why? Is there any fear?
And immediately the following question arises: why? Communication – romantic or friendly – is a mutual process, always. It’s likely that others also feel this compulsion and pull away. After all, there’s a lot of tension in it.
Fourthly – judging by the scenario described by Dana, the communication “breaks” at some point. It’d be good to observe that moment.
Often the reason lies in the fact that a person somehow projects to others some kind of a wrong emotion, not something that they actually feel.
For example, we may feel a desire to be taken care of, but we’re showing resentment , for example, – someone next to us may not understand such language. Or vice versa, we’re feeling irritation (because the communication process is not easy), but trying to show a desire to communicate in order to “initiate” the interaction. Or, we are waiting for some special gratitude for our “services”, it doesn’t appear, and the feeling of being used is right there.
It’s very important for Dana to look for the point where the failure occurs. To just sit down and analyze: I waited for this and that, and asked for this (or didn’t ask at all), and they gave this and that, and then I, and then he / she.
Having done three or four such “studies”, one can find common patterns. And next time, try changing the script.
