How to understand your “Inner Parent”?

If you are reading Mindspa, then you probably already know something about the Inner Child, the Inner Adult, and the Inner Parent. These are the states of our ego, which are present in each of us in different volumes and proportions. We may not be aware of this, but at every moment of our lives, we ​​act within one of these roles. And it’s great if we can choose the right one. ?

Today we will talk about the Inner Parent. The way he communicates with us, what words he “speaks”, criticizes, or supports, depends on the experience that we got in childhood, communicating with the most significant people – our parents or caregivers.

In other words, this part of us was formed because the real mom and dad and other caregivers, with all their strengths and weakness, were “absorbed” by us. They became an important part of our psyche. And now, regardless of whether there are real parents nearby, whether they are alive, they continue to influence our behavior, thoughts, decisions, and actions.

Anna constantly heard from her mother in childhood: “You are such a klutz!” Now Anna is 42. Her mother died ten years ago. But no matter what happens: she breaks a glass, trips, or makes a mistake – she scolds herself with the same words.

This is an illustrative example of an “absorbed” Inner Parent. For Anna, this Parent is devaluing and criticizing her…

To understand what functions the Inner Parent has, it is enough to remember real parents. What are parents responsible for? For the control of everything and everyone, for evaluating our successes and achievements, for support, for regulations, punishment, and encouragement. It is easy to guess that each of us has our own Inner Parent – kind, supportive, rigidly controlling, manipulative, blaming, devaluing, etc.

In fact, a good parent is the one that can be different: to a certain extent, they exercise control and set limits (because any child needs boundaries), and at the same time, they support and empathize, give a hug when you fall, praise, say encouraging words. However, often in our Inner Parents, only one function is realized – the negative one. It goes to great lengths to devalue, scold, give a slap on the wrist, or deprive of something important. And then our lives become sad and uncomfortable. How else could it be? There is no parental warmth … there are only slaps in the face and instructions.

To understand what YOUR Inner Parent is like, recall:

– What do you tell yourself when you make a mistake? Is this a supportive statement (“It’s OK, you can do it”, “Be patient a little”) or vice versa (“What an idiot!”, “Well, as always, you have to be so stupid!”)?

– Do you know how to support yourself? How do you do that?

– Do you have the right to make a mistake?

– What do you call yourself in difficult moments?

Analyze the answers. If your Inner Parent is dysfunctional, it is not difficult to “detect” and understand from these answers.

It is also important how much of the Inner Parent is present. If the Parent is expressed excessively, the person will follow instructions and rules and will not allow themselves to have fun or do something “out of order”. These are the people who have sex on a schedule, perceive any spontaneity as rebellion, buy only healthy foods, and think that only idiots dance in the rain.

If there is not enough of the Parent (which means that another ego state is in abundance), then most likely you do not know how to turn on the control function: you are always late and there are problems with the principles and norms of morality.

The good news is that the Inner Parent can be changed. This is best done in therapy, but you can also help yourself. For this, you need to do the following:

○ Learn about your current Inner Parent – what are they like? What is too much? What is missing? How would you like them to change?

○ Stop scolding and criticizing yourself, devaluing your achievements. Even if you have always done it. Especially if you have always done it.

○ Learn to encourage yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes.

○ Remember what you lacked in childhood from your parents and try to give it to yourself now.

○ Recognize that you are already good enough and you do not need to reshape yourself, model yourself after someone, compare yourself with the son of your mother’s friend, with a colleague, a friend, or a movie star.

○ Look for and satisfy your true needs and desires (a very difficult task!)

And a few final words. Now, it is trendy to care for your Inner Child – and this is truly important. However, we need a good, real, and supportive Inner Parent just as much! You should start working on this part of your inner world. And we are here – helping you! ?