A step-by-step simple instruction for those who see difficulty in conversations about emotions.
Step #1: clearly express what you are feeling
“I feel…”
Step #2: clearly express when you are feeling what you are feeling
“When I see/hear/come across…”
Step #3: clearly state the reasons
“That happens because I…”
Step #4: clearly express what you want
“I would like…”
“It is important for me that you…”
Now let us check specific examples of this approach.
Substitute: “You pay no attention to me!”
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With: “I got upset when you dismissed spending tomorrow night together cause I miss you and I do not see enough of you. How would you like to spend the entire weekend together? Just the two of us.”
Substitute: “Do you want to go back to your ex? Why would you stay in touch otherwise?”
With: “I get nervous and scared of losing you when I see you talking to your ex. That happens because I had a distressing and heart-wrenching experience in the past. I am not saying that you should take responsibility for that or deal with it in any way. But I would like to put our heads together and figure this out to prevent this troublesome experience from happening.”
Substitute: “You are ignoring me all the time.”
With: “When you are not responding to my request for help I get angry and hurt. When that happens, it looks as though you disregard my needs and me on purpose. It is important for me to discuss that with you to get an idea of boundaries in place. What should I ask of you and what should I not.”
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