Why am I afraid of dying?

The fear of death or thanatophobia is irrational and inexplicable. In Greek, Thanatos means death and Phobos means fear.

In general, we are instinctively afraid of death. Without this fear, we would have probably had very bright and very… short lives. Healthy caution helps us to be more sensible and careful. It helps us correctly evaluate risks in different situations. Because of this fear, we do not engage in extreme behaviors and better recognize danger: we are not trying to cross a highway with moving traffic or jump from the roof of a house. In other words, the self-preservation instinct helps us to avoid death.

But today, we will not talk about this basic self-preservation instinct, but about the excessive fear of death that makes our lives difficult, instead of protecting us.

On one hand, we all know that we will die someday. This is was never a big secret that is only disclosed by grand-parents to their shocked descendants on their deathbed. 

We all know it. Nevertheless, as a rule, we are not absorbed in thoughts about death. That is, they don’t overwhelm us enough to make us fear and think about death all the time. Usually, these thoughts live somewhere in the background and don’t take the front stage. In some sense, the fact that we know doesn’t mean that we… believe it.

Inside of us, there are very well-tuned psychological defense mechanisms that protect us from this knowledge. It looks approximately like this: “Well, yes, I will probably die… someday… But… not soon, right? And then, how can I die? I’ve always existed… It may happen to someone else, but not to me.” You may not have such a dialog inside of you, but you may feel similarly.

But sometimes, it’s different and the fear of death may come to the forefront and become huge, all-encompassing, and dominant. Then you will not be able to ignore it – it is too big. And really, it is quite difficult to go to work, cook dinner, relax in a hot tub when the fact that your existence is finite is right before your eyes.

Why could it happen? There may be different reasons.

1.A person went through a traumatic experience and the illusion of immortality got broken, like a glass that fell from the table.

The person led a normal life and then a disaster happened. It could be any extreme situation: an earthquake, violence, a car accident, a fire, a near-drowning experience, or witnessing some else’s death… Any situation that threatened their life or the life of another person when they experienced the feeling of helplessness (“there is nothing I can do”).

Marianne was driving to work, as she used to do every morning. She was a good driver and felt quite confident in her car. Marianne was driving and thinking about what she is going to cook for dinner: bulgur with veggies (a healthy option) or a pizza (the children asked for it). And suddenly… she instinctively pushed on the breaks with full force. A white Honda crossed the divider and flew into the incoming traffic. It hit a taxicab that was right in front of Marianne’s car. The sound of impact, screaming, blood… Marianne came to her senses in a few minutes. She was not hurt – she only had a bruise on her arm because of the impact. But the first thing she saw was a dead woman from that taxicab. She was wearing the same boots as Marianne. Marianne kept staring at the boots for a long time, unable to move. Then the police and the ambulance came and took the bodies of those who died and helped the wounded. They wrapped Marianne in a warm blanket and offered her warm tea. Later, when she was remembering these events, all she could see in her mind were the boots of the dead woman… Marianne was thinking that the woman was not planning on dying when she got up in the morning. She was going somewhere, maybe to work, just like Marianne… And now… Does it mean that something like this may happen to her too?

2. General impressionability and increased anxiety can serve as a basis for forming the fear of death.

Tony has always been emotionally sensitive and anxious. He worried about many things, thoroughly prepared for any event, and in the winter would always take supplements to strengthen his immune system, disinfect his hands, and in general paid a great deal of attention to his health. And then coronavirus happened… and all his measures – they didn’t become useless, no… But they do not guarantee that Tony won’t get sick. The fear to get sick and die grew astronomically and Tony stopped leaving his house.

3.  The fear of the unknown. Nobody, absolutely nobody, can tell for sure what happens to a person when they leave this world. Is there something after this life? If yes, what is it like? Such a lack of information is scary. Testimonies of “witnesses” who had near-death experiences don’t make it better… sometimes, right the opposite – they cause anxiety.

4. Religious beliefs. They may both free people from the fear of death or they may make it stronger – for example, if people are imagining the scenes from hell and are afraid to go there after death.

Irene had an abortion. It was difficult for her to make this decision. Because she was brought up in a religious family, all her social circle condemned abortions as a horrible sin. It has been more than a year, but Irene still can’t get rid of the fear living inside of her: “What if because of this sin I will go to hell?”

5. Excessive control in all areas of life. “Controllers” can get “sick” with the fear of death. They intuitively know that in this area they have no control whatsoever. Just a thought about it makes them scared.

6. Crisis periods in life. Here, people in the age group of 35 to 50 are at risk. They may develop phobias when reevaluating their life priorities. Existential fear of death happens when a person starts thinking about the meaning of life and their existence, looking back and evaluating their life path. 

The fear itself can be very different. It is important to figure out what exactly a person is afraid of. There may be different options here.

The fear of pain and suffering. In this case, the person is not afraid of death per se, but of all what accompanies it.

Sophia’s Mom was very sick for a long time before she passed away. She had incurable cancer. The doctors couldn’t do anything. Sophia was taking care of her for a few long months and saw a lot of pain and suffering. When her Mom passed away, Sophia realized that she is very afraid that something like this may happen to her. “It is not scary to die” – she told her psychologist – “It is scary that it will be like that…”

The fear to lose a loved one. This is a very different form of fear of death. We will talk about it in more detail in the next article. 

The fear to be buried or cremated. Here, people may experience a whole set of fears related to funerals and corresponding rituals.

The fear of violent death. Here, it is not the fact of death per se that scares people, but the scary circumstances – violence, torture, pain, and horror.

The fear of loneliness. I am completely alone. They will not even find me when I die. Who will notice that I am gone?

How does the fear of death manifest itself?

• Strong fear of everything related to death: high anxiety, impressionability, tension, repetitive thoughts.
• A person may get fixated not just on the fear of death but on a certain scenario. For example, a heart attack during sleep, suffocation, drowning, falling from a height. Fears of the dark or of heights may hide the fear of death if you unwrap them like a piece of candy.
• Strong avoidant behavior: a person may refuse to make any changes in their life, may avoid conversations about death and funerals of close people.

Physiologically, there may be symptoms too, just like in the case of any other phobia. For example, tachycardia, dizziness, nausea, high blood pressure, changes in appetite, sexual dysfunctions, gastrointestinal problems, nightmares, etc.

In other words, this is not the most pleasant experience. Any fear that is so strong requires special attention and you need to “bring it” to a professional for analysis. It is important because it can be dealt with. A little later, we will talk about it.