Having a baby usually brings joy, excitement and a sense of new beginning. But with that, there may be some tension and relationship issues between the spouses. What can you do if your husband is jealous of the baby, and you don’t understand his feelings at all?
4 major causes of jealousy
1. A response to changes in the family and unsatisfied needs.
Think about it: previously the husband was the only one, the most important one, and now he feels like he’s getting much less attention and losing the connection with his partner. A baby needs you more than an adult man, so it’s only reasonable that you are focused on your child. But what is natural for the mother, may be problematic for the father. Especially when there’s no more intimacy, no more romance, and the only things you discuss are your baby’s needs. The man feels like his role in the family and his personality is fading into the background. And this is often true.
2. Competing for influence.
Jealousy arises from the man’s desire to maintain authority and control in the family. He sees the new baby as an opponent in a competition for the woman’s love and attention.
3. Imbalance of roles in the couple.
If the father maintains a childish position, constantly needs support and is used to being taken care of, then jealousy becomes inevitable. The man begins to compete with the baby and tries to manipulate the amount of attention and care that the mother gives to it.
4. Negative childhood experiences.
The father may have had the experience of growing up in a single-parent family, being deprived of love and care, or may have faced some other issues as a child. Now that he sees his wife completely immersed in care for the baby, he relives a feeling of loneliness. It seems to throw him back, making him feel abandoned and emotionally cold, just like he felt as a child.
A man’s jealousy of the baby is rather common, but the good news is that you can help him overcome his frustrating feelings while remaining a caring mother and a loving wife.
What can you do to achieve this?
1. Use open communication
Share your own thoughts and feelings and create a space for your husband to share without being judged or criticized. Your home is a safe space where you trust each other and can be completely honest. Invite him to discuss possible worries and concerns — use these helpful phrases:
– “Honey, you seem a bit tense lately. Help me understand what exactly is bothering you”.
– “I know that being a parent can be difficult and can cause different emotions. Tell me, what you feel”.
– “Honey, I get upset when I see that you are jealous of our baby. I want us to be able to enjoy being parents without stress and anxiety. I’m sure our baby needs both mom and dad equally.”
– “Do you want to talk about us? After having the baby, I feel like my heart has grown twice as big, and my love for you is no less. Are you worried about that?”
2. Acknowledge and appreciate when your husband participates in the baby’s life and help him gain confidence as a father.
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He can get involved on his own or you can try to find some opportunities for them to spend time together, like playing games, going for walks, bathing or reading books. An inexperienced dad can sometimes feel awkward or even scared to do something wrong, so help him through this experience and show that you trust him. And be sure to thank him for any help, even if it’s not directly related to baby care (like when he takes on some house chores, cooks for the family, etc.)
3. Be flexible and don’t be afraid to build healthy role boundaries.
After having a baby, each of you acquires a new role: the woman becomes a mother, and the man becomes a father. But you don’t stop being partners, on the contrary, you now have new common goals, tasks and aspirations. Help your husband realize that your new roles can add to your relationship, not take away from it. For example:
– “I’m happy to share with you the joys and hardships of taking care of our baby, because we want the same things…”
– “Let’s think what tasks we can delegate, and what things we can do together to lighten the load on you and me?”
– “Honey, what are the things (changing diapers, bathing, changing clothes, feeding, waking up during the night, reading, playing, etc.) that you absolutely don’t want to do, and what are the things that you would enjoy doing? Can we try and share responsibilities? It might make our routine a bit easier and bring some structure into our lives”.
4. Use time management and set your priorities.
It is important to find opportunities to spend time together in order to maintain and strengthen your relationship — this will help you relieve tension, wind down and relax. Suggest an activity for just the two of you: taking a walk in the park, eating out or going shopping. In addition, be sure to make the most of the baby’s naptime: watch a movie together, give each other a back rub or take a shower together.
A trusting relationship in the couple is the foundation of a strong family. It is important not to suppress your feelings, but to share them with your partner in order to find solutions together and grow up as a couple.
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