The darkest month of the year has come: the sun is almost invisible. It is chilly and cold outside. You must put on warm clothes and shoes and give up long walks…

Many of us feel particularly vulnerable during this period. Sadness, melancholy, and even irritability can come to the emotional forefront.

This is partly due to the reduction in daylight hours – you may experience light and color deficiency. But this is not the main reason. We often have internal reasons to succumb to sadness.

So, let’s figure out how not to become a hostage of the blues and stay in a good mood at any time of the year.

1. Do not condition yourself for sadness.

And this is the main point. 

If you tune yourself into thinking about winter as the time for blues, gloomy time, rainy and muddy mess, etc. – so it will be! When we think about something a certain way – this is how we will perceive it. If you suffer in advance that “oh, I will be miserable”, you will surely be depressed.

2. Be honest with yourself – are you really feeling down because of winter, or you have many unsolved difficulties in your life, and winter is just a background and an excuse to shift responsibility for all the problems onto the weather?

3. Surround yourself with pleasant things: candles and aroma lamps create a great mood. Imagine: it is dark, cold, and wet outside the windows, and around you are crackling candles, pleasant aromas …

4. By the way, about warmth – now this is a top necessity. The heat warms the body and soul. How can you imagine winter without it?

Take a bath with your favorite foam, a hot shower, a hammam, cover yourself with a beautiful blanket, wear warm fluffy socks, or an oversized home jacket in which you can wrap yourself entirely – choose any method or use all of them at once!

5. Fairy tales and magical stories.

Winter is the best time to re-read your favorite fairy tales: all the adventures of the Moomins, Harry Potter, or you can take on the famous “Lord of the Rings” … But this is not for everyone. ?

Any inspiring warm stories are also suitable: for example, from Joanne Harris, who wrote “Chocolate”, etc.

6. Keep moving.

Any blues, be it autumn, winter, or spring, is afraid of physical activity. If you want – walk, if you want – dance, if you want – stretch out at home on the rug while watching TV series. The effect is instant!

7. Teas.

New tastes are an excellent means of preventing and treating depression. Just listen to the names: strawberries with mint, pumpkin muffin – yes, this is also tea! Teas with lemon, tangerine, and ginger, banana oolong, masala, chocolate-covered cherries … Mmm … It’s getting harder and harder to be sad…

Winter demands that you spend more time on self-care, that’s true. But the return from this care is powerful, bright, and warm! Use our recommendations – and winter will become much more attractive to you!⠀

The post Do you feel the winter blues? appeared first on Mindspa.

Today, we are going to talk about some invisible force that often becomes a great obstacle preventing us from achieving important life goals. It may hinder our progress even if we are motivated, have good willpower, and know where we want to go.

It is Its Highness Resistance. It comes as if from nowhere and paralyzes any activity in the direction you want to go.

Let’s see a couple of examples of what it may look like.

Marianne started going to psychotherapy. She had a lot of problems, but was solving them slowly but surely. Her life started to change for the better and it made her quite happy. But suddenly, she hit a certain “wall”. She skipped the last two sessions: the first time because her throat started hurting a little bit and she decided that it is better to stay at home. And the second time – she just forgot…

Evan decided to change his lifestyle. Doing more sports was the first step: he got a gym membership and bought weights. He decided to strengthen his core to help his back, following the advice of his physical therapist. But after a couple of times, he gave up, even though he very much would like to have a healthy back…

Audrey needs to write an article as a part of the interview process in the magazine where she submitted her resume. A lot depends upon how well she does it: she can quit the job she does not like and get a coveted position of editor in a magazine.  She has been waiting for this chance for years! But… five out of six days she was given for the article has passed and there is only one left. And she hasn’t even started. Every time she wants to do it something comes up: either she needs to meet with a friend, or walk her dog, or do the dishes, or go see a movie… The deadline is tomorrow, but no progress was made…

We are certain that you can think of a lot of similar examples – both yours and your friends’. This is how resistance works. This force is working to stop you rather than to move you forward. It comes from the inside and it is trying to protect you from changes in your life.

In what ways does resistance show up more often?

Laziness. This is one of the most common disguises of resistance. “I think I am just too lazy to do sports/ work on my project/ write an article.”

Procrastination or “There is always tomorrow”. “I will definitely do it, but not right now”. “Let me get to the next level in the video game, and then I will start working on my article”. “I feel a bit tired. I should go take a nap.”

Avoidance. “Why should take this continued education course? It is unlikely that I will get promoted. I will do it later. Or not…”

Chasing perfection. “It makes no sense to do photography unless you have the latest equipment. And I need to take this course and that one. I need to improve my skills… Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense to try.”

Denial and rationalization – these are well-known psychological mechanisms. “It doesn’t look like I have serious problems. I can live with them – things are much worse for other people.” “To be honest, it is even better that I didn’t get a new job. Think about it: here, everything is familiar, and there – who knows how it will all work out. And my current job is close to home. Salary is not the most important thing.”

Fears and anxieties. “If things will not work out, I will become a laughingstock.”, “It will be a failure”.

So what happened in all these examples? Working with a psychotherapist always triggers a process of psychological change in a person, so resistance in psychotherapy is almost inevitable. Marianne reached very important deep issues and further awareness would lead to significant life changes. So, she “froze” and even her throat started hurting…

Evan truly wanted to strengthen his body. But … his wife was so attentive to him when he had sciatica attacks… And at work, he was freed from tough projects during such periods… Do we need to explain why Evan stopped going to the gym?

Audrey is very scared for many reasons. She does not like her job, but … it is familiar. Plus, she is not very confident in herself as a specialist and is very afraid that she will screw up as an editor. And her mother always used to say: “Well, what kind of editor are you? You have to be smarter there, and you can’t achieve anything without connections. “

Our brain is very conservative and does not like changes. It needs to be convinced that they are not dangerous. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for rationality and long-term planning, but it is difficult for it to combat the limbic system, which sounds an alarm when changes occur, or the reptilian brain, which really wants stability…

And there are also learned beliefs that we received as a gift from our parents and society as a whole. Among them, there are many limiting ones. Take Audrey: the words of her mother suddenly come to her mind: without “connections” she should not even try and she is not “very smart” in general.

Since we unconsciously avoid such experiences as anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear, resistance seems to save us from them. Although, this is an illusion, of course.

What to do when you realize that the resistance has deployed its troops?

1. Give up the idea of getting rid of it completely. If you stop avoiding,  you may start procrastinating. It is better to realize that this is a protective mechanism, which means that it is a built-in default setting. It is more important to understand what exactly resistance is protecting you from – then you will deal with the root cause, and not with the effect. As always, we want to treat not the symptom, but the disease.

2. Analyze – what is happening, why, what kind of disguise your resistance is using? Otherwise, you will scold yourself for laziness and ineffectiveness – and this will lead you nowhere.

3. Assess the secondary benefits. Yes, there are some. What do you get by playing this game?

4. Identify what you are missing by giving in to resistance and letting it take over. Evan will receive care and attention, but he will continue to suffer from pain. Audrey will miss an opportunity to change her life. Marianne will hide her head in the sand and continue to pretend that there are no problems …

5. Diminish the significance of the results. “This job will not work out? I’ll get another one, but at least I’ll try here.”

6. Come up with a slogan for special occasions. “Just do it”, “I can do it”, etc.

And most importantly – keep in mind what you are doing all this for. Then no amount of resistance will become an obstacle to your happiness!

The post I want to do something, but do not do it. Why is that? appeared first on Mindspa.

Tanya turned to a psychologist because she often felt sick and had no energy. Somehow, everything appeared bad all the time, but she did not know why. She often had headaches. Her mood was always exactly zero: neither good nor bad. Apathy accompanied Tanya all her life. She was regularly treated for depression and was almost used to it.

First of all, the psychologist suggested that Tanya would see a doctor because such symptoms can have a physiological cause. But everything turned out to be in order.

Then they began to talk about her life – what it is like and what fills it. And found out this…

Tanya always knew that her birth prevented her mother from becoming a great dancer. Mother often complained about this: said that Tanya was so stupid and it would have been better to have an abortion… If Tanya could disappear, sink into the ground, she would have done so. And it would have been even better not to be born at all, so as not to interfere with her mother’s plans… But, of course, Tanya had no choice… And, according to her mother, her daughter should be grateful to her for the gift of life… And Tanya was grateful…

The psychologist asked about what Tanya wanted. She was surprised by this question and clarified: “What do you mean what I want?” Her needs never mattered before. Mom used to say: “You will do without it.” or “And I want a pony”. Tanya did not have any desires for a very long time. She ate because she needed to eat, bought clothes when the old ones fell into disrepair…

A person, as a rule, pays dearly for giving up their needs and desires, and their body often suffers. The inability to process painful feelings, blocking one’s emotionality, sacrificing personal choice in favor of attitudes instilled in childhood – all these lead to mental dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s life.

Tanya did not feel anything, because she “could not” allow herself to find inside the anger at her mother who treated her like that. Unwillingness to face these difficult feelings made her unconsciously choose to give up her desires. Hence, she experienced dissatisfaction with herself and her life and a lack of motivation.

And then the process of defrosting Tanya’s needs and finding the real Tanya began. First, the body began to come to life. Then feelings appear. And those who came first were not very pleasant: Tanya felt strong anger for the first time in her life – and she felt alive.

With the help of her psychologist, Tanya experienced and learned to appropriately express the most difficult feelings. She no longer had to push them into a hidden box. She stopped masking her feelings with various symptoms and diseases. Her apathy slowly but surely began to leave her.

The turn to recovery happened on the day when Tanya came for a consultation in a new raincoat and said that today she wanted a pineapple. She wanted! A pineapple! And how delicious it was!

The post I don’t want anything appeared first on Mindspa.

Different couples living together share household responsibilities in different ways. This applies also to creating a budget or any other issues that partners may face. There are no universal rules, but some couples may feel tempted to “pull on” someone else’s standard onto themselves.

For a long time in many cultures, there was a prevailing notion that there are “male” and “female” household tasks. As a rule, a woman was supposed to take care of most of them: cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking, and taking care of the children. In addition to that, often women also worked outside the home and they would leave and come back from work at the same time as their husbands. As for men, they were supposed to do “men’s” tasks: fixing things around the house, assembling furniture, and taking out the garbage. No wonder that under these circumstances women felt tired, irritable, and exhausted. This “invisible” labor would consume their energy and even life since they had neither time nor resources to enjoy it.

Debby didn’t want to get married for a long time after observing her constantly tired mom. She was certain that no other options are available and this scared her. When she shared her concerns with Paul whom she has been seeing for over a year, he was surprised. In his family, the available person was doing the chores – there were no gender roles.

Nowadays, people have way more options of how to divide household labor. Both partners are more open to different ways of sharing these chores.

Some couples do it 50-50: they estimate the approximate division of labor and implement it. Of course, this approach has its pluses because everything is “fair”. However, there are minuses as well: some couples get too fixated on “calculating” the proper contribution of each person and this doesn’t promote mutual understanding. Besides, this model doesn’t take into account the circumstances that may change from day to day.

Today, one person may be over-booked while the other one has a day off – in this case the 50-50 model doesn’t look very fair.

There is another approach that seems more flexible… We can name it “the available person does the task” – this is how things worked in Paul’s family. For many people, this approach is quite convenient. You can take into account the unique traits of your couple to make it work better.

Courtney cannot stand cooking, but her husband Dimitrios loves making meals. Courtney’s mom used to tell her that this is not normal: if the wife doesn’t cook, no husband could be happy. But Dimitrios and Courtney decided that cooking is his job, and Courtney would do the dishes and clean the kitchen. For many people (including Dimitrios) these tasks are tedious, but they feel almost meditative to Courtney and help her calm down.

Another option that works well is “we do everything together”. If we need to clean the apartment – we do it together, if we need to unload the dishwasher – I take the dishes out and my partner dries them and puts them on the shelves. And nobody is upset because one person does more or less work.

You can create a list of all household chores and assign them to yourselves. There are special apps for that, or you can use a whiteboard or just a paper sheet attached to the fridge. Any media will do.

There is no single universal formula of the “correct” division of responsibilities: we are all different. The only way is to discuss the situation (that may change), your expectations, and other relevant circumstances.

To summarize, the first thing you should do when dividing responsibilities is to throw away all stereotypes. There is no “it must be this way” or “my parents did it like this, therefore I should do it too”. You need to choose the approach that works for you.

Second. You must be flexible. Sometimes, either you or your partner may not be able to do a certain task today because you are getting ready for a presentation or preparing a report, or you may be feeling ill or have emotional difficulties… Of course, in this case, the partners need to communicate to each other about these circumstances and be able to hear each other.

And thirdly – you need to learn to negotiate. There is no way to negotiate other than “by saying words with your mouth”. As for the rules… Only those rules are effective that you both agree on.

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