Who doesn’t want to plant a seed of a new good habit that may help become healthier, happier, fitter, etc. (whatever your dream is)?

And who has not encountered a disappointing failure, time after time? It seems that you are trying very hard, but it still takes an enormous amount of energy to get yourself to go for a run/drink more water/write in your gratitude journal. And getting started with a new habit is even more difficult.

But you do want it! And you understand that you need it! In other words, you have the desire and motivation – so, what is the problem then?

Let us figure this out.

Let us start with the definition. A habit is an automatic action that you associate with a certain signal (the trigger of the habit). Doing this action brings you a feeling of pleasure. It means that you do a certain action “on autopilot”. If you force yourself to do something (situps, doing dishes right after the meal, getting up at 5:30 AM), it means that it is a conscious goal-oriented behavior, not a habit. These are two different things.

How to form a habit? There is only one way: continuous repetition. There is a certain catalyst that launches the action, then the action itself happens, and (very important) it is followed by reinforcement.

For example, let say that you decided to do yoga every day, even though before you were not into physical activity at all. You can use as a catalyst a certain ringtone installed on your phone. Then you do the action itself – you practice yoga. And after some time, you see the result – you love your calm and focus mental state and your fit body. This is how reinforcement happens.

There is an opinion that it takes 21 days to form any habit. In reality, it is just a myth. In most cases, 21 days is not enough to form and reinforce a habit.

The first stage is resistance to change. If you underestimate this very important factor, you may fail to form a new habit. You must know that resistance and even regression are normal when trying to form a new habit. If you are feeling resistance – call it by its name. Do not use words like “failure”, “all is lost”, “well, what can you do…”. It is a normal stage that signals that you are making an effort. Therefore, you can start tomorrow from the same place and move forward.

To summarize, here are the steps that you should not skip if you firmly decided to form a new habit:

1. Preparation

Do not start on a whim or based on “I decided that half an hour ago”, but by building a plan. State your intention – you can write it down. Find support – any form of support will work: from “let’s count calories together” to “good job!”. Tell about your intention to your close people – this will provide additional help if you decide to quit (and this may happen more than once). Create a list of possible difficulties (“My body may feel sore, but only at the beginning”, “I would not want to get up earlier to go for a run, but everyone feels this way”).

2. Monitor your progress.

If you do not do it, your brain may lose interest in this activity that is consuming its energy. If this happens, you can say your new habit goodbye. How can you monitor your progress? Here are some options: journal your measurements, feelings, mental state, etc. Do not skip this – every new plus or a checkmark indicating that the new habit is forming will add more optimism and provide visual support.

3. Broaden your opportunities for interaction with the new habit.

Add reminders in your phone, put a motivational slogan on a wall, add a picture representing the desired outcome in a conspicuous place. One person we know put in her closet the trousers that represented her ideal figure that she was trying to reach by running every morning. Another great way to remain motivated is by reporting your progress to like-minded people either virtually (through online groups) or in person.

4. Reward yourself!

Do you remember Pavlov and his dogs? We are not that different from animals when it comes to forming a conditioned response. The formula is stimulus – reaction – reward. Think of the prizes you could give yourself for following your routine for three days in a row, for example. Whenever we finish some small task, our body releases the hormone dopamine. This is a very important part of the brain’s “reward system”.

It is not easy to form new habits, but it brings a lot of benefits!

Do you remember the old proverb: “Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”? Does it inspire or scare you? If the latter, you must start building new habits right away!

The post How to teach yourself good habits? appeared first on Mindspa.

And finally – you’ve made it! You’ve found your dream job! Well, almost… Somehow it happened that you truly love your job and you are doing well and have opportunities for growth and development, and it pays well and is close to home, but… you don’t get along with your colleagues. It seems that everyone is a back-stabber or a brown-noser. Every morning to go to work with a thought: “Another 8 hours in a snake pit…” So what to do? You don’t want to quit – everything else is good! Besides, there is a pandemic now: who is going to walk away from a good job?

Yes, this is not the happiest story. But there are options! Let’s brainstorm your alternatives.

If everything is really bad and we are not talking about simple likes and dislikes but harsh bullying – you need to save yourself. You can find another job, but to recover after such pressing and moral abuse can be hard. Therefore, if you are in a toxic environment and you feel that your coworkers are boycotting you, backstabbing, etc., perhaps the best option is to pack your things and move on. No job is worth ruined nerves and grey hair.

But not always things are this bad. Often, you can exist quite comfortably in the given circumstances.

1. Try to find like-minded people.

Sometimes it may seem that everyone is against us – all our colleagues are the same and equally horrible. But it is seldom the case. Take a closer look at each person. Do not look at your co-workers as a faceless mob: after all, it is composed of individuals.

You may find that this young woman never takes part in gossiping and political plotting. And that guy from another department seems quite nice – he helped you with the settings of your computer after the last update, and you didn’t even have to ask him. If you create your own community with reasonable colleagues – your life will be much easier.

2. Try to find friends.

No, we are not suggesting that you must find friends “no matter what”, but still, you should try. Often we can jump to conclusion that there are no options here and then we act estranged. But in reality, such conclusions may be too rash. Attend a moral event, strike up conversations with your coworkers, bring some sweets to the office – what if things are not that bad? At least you will know that you have tried.

3. Stay away from toxic personalities.

At the end of the day, we are not going to work to form friendships. If relationships do not work out you need to accept that. Keep a little distance and do not allow yourself to get emotionally involved. Work on solving business problems and avoid personal interaction.

4. Respect others and be formal and polite.

Politeness can become a wonderful armor that will protect you from negative emotions, gossip, and other dirt. It will help you create distance and smooth out conflicts by preventing escalations. Do you remember this joke:

– How do you manage to be so calm and happy?

– I simply do not argue with anyone.

– But this is impossible!

– Well, if you say so – I agree, it is impossible.

The main thing is not to confuse politeness with being a push-over. Your task is to keep your internal balance and create distance. You can say “No” in a very polite form.

5. Do not bring work into your personal life.

Yes, this is a simple piece of advice but it works. Job is only a part of your life, not your whole life. Once you realize this it becomes much easier not to get fixated on work problems.

6. Learn and use relaxation techniques.

It helps a lot when you know how to manage your mood and emotional state and do not allow others to control it.

The post I really like my work, but my coworkers are horrible appeared first on Mindspa.

If psychology is interesting to you – it is wonderful. The world of psychology is big, diverse, and truly interesting.

Of course, it is not at all necessary to make this a profession – you can expand your psychological knowledge just for yourself, discover unknown facets, and learn new things.

But what if you are thinking of psychology as your potential profession, even if you are now a doctor (manager, teacher, etc.)? In this case, you need to build a plan to become a good specialist and make your dream come true.

The first thing we want to say is that you need to approach it seriously – psychology must be studied in the same way as any science, starting from the basics. The fact that psychology is science has been proven long ago.

Any study begins with education. If your decision to make psychology your profession is resolute and firm, it is time to look for an educational institution with a schedule that suits you. This is important because you are not a recent graduate, but an adult, and, most likely, you will need to look for an option that will allow you to continue working at your current job.

There is an opinion that studying the basics is boring and a pure waste of time. Why do you need all this – the history of psychology, general psychology, cognitive processes? So boring! I want to help people! There are courses – only three months. They will teach how to be a psychologist – and viola, you are all set. You can cause goodness to people.

Nowadays it is not hard to find courses. Some even will give you a certificate. But to become a good specialist over three months and without a proper foundation is impossible. Here you need to understand what is more important: to have a certificate or to have knowledge. You must remember that a bad psychologist may cause just as much harm as a bad doctor. Would you want the surgeon who performs your operation to only have a certificate from some courses? We didn’t think so…

Therefore, the proper way to start is to study. You may be taking evening classes or even remote classes, but they need to be from an accredited institution. To become a psychologist you need to get an advanced degree in psychology from an accredited program, complete an internship or practice, and get a license.

But having a license is not enough to be a good psychologist.

First, the profession must suit you. To become a good psychologist you need to like people, be interested in them, have well-developed empathy, not be judgmental, be able to find a common language with people, know how to build a holistic picture by systematizing the information that you received, and many other things. But this is not the topic of this article. We recommend that you investigate further whether this profession suits you.

Second, you need to continue learning all the time: taking extra training, webinars, reading psychology books will greatly help you in this regard.

Third, you need to truly want to become a good specialist.

Learning while working is never easy, but nowadays it is quite common. While you are studying, you will be able to figure out whether this path is really for you. And if yes – welcome to the new profession! It is very interesting! ?

The post I want to be a psychologist, but… appeared first on Mindspa.

Oh, how many of us created such resolutions! Starting next Monday (or January 1^st, or my birthday, etc.) I will (start, stop, …)…

And… it all somehow disappears, dissolves, and fizzles out leaving us with a hint of guilt and usual regrets. And here is another New Year but there is no change. Why is it like this?

Let’s first consider the statement itself: it is very rigid and doesn’t allow any “wiggle room”. If you are going to start a new life from January 1^st, where will your old life go? And really, is your old life so bad that you are going to give it up?

But wait, that’s not all! You are living your life and by January 1^st you are at a certain point of your life that brought you to all the decisions and choices that you’ve made. If someone invented a time-machine, perhaps, you could go to a new point in your life in an instant, without any effort. But since time travel or teleportation is not possible, you will have to move a certain distance before you get there. It is not enough to just wake up with a resolution to “become a different person”.

Your resolution may set you in motion on this path. And the fewer restrictions you impose on yourself while waiting for a “perfect opportunity” to start your journey, the more likely you are to start moving forward.

Here is an interesting rule: start implementing your resolution within 72 hours after you’ve made it. Otherwise, you will lose interest, deflate, and have no energy or motivation left.

For many of us, a New Year is a psychological milestone – it is a time to evaluate your progress. Just this process itself is quite energy-consuming, let alone creating instant changes in your life. 

Starting a new life from a New Year is an illusion that you can become a different person in a blink of an eye.

To summarize, why starting a new life from a New Year is a bad idea?

• It makes your life heavy and creates a burden of expectations. And the more expectations you have the more likely you are to be disappointed.
  
• It is an illusion. The road to success goes through being disciplined and making the right choices. This is not very romantic, but it is true.
  
• Postponing something till “tomorrow” drains your motivation. And it’s a pity. ? It is a very important source of energy!
  

Simply start right now. Without long preparations or dreaming about the “right circumstances”. You don’t need a clean slate to start writing something different. Your handwriting (the essence of you) will not change because of it, right?

The first of the month, the next Monday, the 1^st of January – don’t guarantee that your beginning will be more effective. Any changes are based on a long-term strategy. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

The post Why starting a new life from a New Year is doomed to fail? appeared first on Mindspa.

“Man is more weak than strong” – a favorite excuse of those, who can’t  resist  temptations, runs away from difficult, but  important things and promises already  for the hundredth time that  from  Monday  will become a different person.

If you are familiar with this situation, you already know that your Achilles’ heel is a willpower.

It’s an important part of our personality that is able to mobilize internal resources for the implementation of our goals.

Thanks to self-control, we are able  to ignore the immediate desires  and endure boring and hard work, knowing that in the future we will receive a worthy reward.

If you compare willpower with muscle, it’s fair to say:  from regular training it will only get stronger, but from idleness – completely weakened. That’s why we are starting the training.

1.Actually, why would I need that?

Really, why should I exert myself? We suggest from the beginning to deal with the motivation: “Why am I doing this?” The clearer the target, the more confident you will be able to move towards it.

The main thing is not to substitute your desires with others’ desires. “I want to learn how to drive because I dream of traveling in Europe”  (not to let my husband drink at a party).

Be sure to remember about your motives and future  results, when you are tempted to give up or say “well, I didn’t want to.”

2.Don’t seduce me 

The next step is to check everything  around you. We break our promises much faster if there are temptations everywhere. Help your willpower yourself: lose weight – remove a vase with candies from the table; write a complex report – turn off the social networks. By the way, it also applies to people around you: if you quit smoking, don’t go to work with your colleagues who smoke.

3.The elephant should be eaten piece by pieces.

For one day willpower will not be “pumped up”, but to get a bad mood and the loss of  strength  is quite real. Set tiny but daily goals, the volume of which you will increase day by day. If you decide to give up sweets, don’t swear  that “never again!” You’ll  not probably resist  in a couple of days. But if gradually  – today three candies, not five, tomorrow two, etc. – the chances of success will increase many times.

4.Down with the chaos, long live the system!

As long as your  affairs and head there are a mess, it will be difficult to develop willpower. You will  be constantly distracted by momentary  “wish list”

Learn yourself to make plans for the day, week, month. You will immediately see how much you have time, and the pride in what you  have achieved  will give you even more strength. For example, every day to learn 5 Italian words, every week to disassemble one drawer in the kitchen, every month to make a revision of photos in the phone.

5. In a healthy body…

Yes, without it willpower will not work either: healthy sleep, a lot of water, light food and, necessarily movement.

It’s not a secret what an iron will athletes have. Sport is perfectly discipline, because physical exercise is a constant struggle with laziness and false fatigue.

6. And the gifts?

Adults are the same children, they are terribly fond of gifts and rewards. Our willpower also needs to be stroked. Having set yourself a difficult goal, promise yourself that when you reach it, you will treat yourself with something very pleasant.

“If in 2 months I quit smoking, I will definitely go with the girls in karaoke / I will buy myself “those” shoes / I will sign up for a massage with hot stones.”

The first steps in any business are always difficult, but gradually, using these tips, your willpower will be strengthened, and what once seemed   difficult to achieve, will become a reality.

The post Willpower training appeared first on Mindspa.

Subject: Sasha, 25 years old. 

Sometimes I get waves of unpleasant feelings reminding me that I’m not reaching some invisible bar in life, that I don’t have enough time, I study too little, don’t have enough knowledge in different areas, am not good enough for my husband, or not professional enough at work. How do I fight this? 

Recommendations: 

Where to start, Sasha? Let’s begin with her idea that she doesn’t “have enough knowledge in different areas”.

This thought should be analyzed using the following criteria: What signs have led me to understand this? Who am I comparing myself with (is there a sample)? What exactly am I missing? Is it possible to make up for it? 

Or perhaps, “I don’t have enough time” – enough is how much? Is it a number real or is it fiction? What can I do to make it enough?

The first task is to translate ambiguity into certainty so that you can understand whether the requirements are realistic or so unattainable that you may as well not even dive in at all.

It’s important to find out if Sasha has an understanding of what it takes to be “enough”. 

Let’s go on now and take a closer look at “not good enough for his man”. 

Sasha emphasizes here that the problem is not in the actual situation, but in her negative assessment of herself. What should be “good enough” for another person? And in general, why can’t one be themselves? 

In fact, most often people who assess themselves this way have learned in childhood that they are “not good enough”. Perhaps mom, dad, or grandma wasn’t ashamed to say this all the time, “Why are you like this? Maria studies a lot better than you, and she also helps her parents, and you…”, and then a little later on, “What kind of work is this that you’re doing? Just take a look at Irene, she…” And so the child, from early childhood, constantly tries to reach the “carrot” dangling in front of their nose, but the sadness is in the fact that this carrot is tied to him, so to catch up with it is just short of impossible…

It turns out that the answer to the question “how to fight it” is hidden behind an analysis of causes and logic. As soon as Sasha can answer the questions recommended by our specialists, the case will move from its current dead point.

The post I’m not good enough. appeared first on Mindspa.

What is perfectionism? This is a poisonous belief that an imperfect result has no right to exist. 

Why do we call it poison? Your reality is replaced by a mythical and unattainable ideal. The joy of life goes somewhere to the second and third plan, and life itself turns into a race for non-existent “perfection”.

Here is a short test that allows you to identify your tendency to perfectionism:

• you evaluate yourself by your achievements

• you “dwell” on the details

• your motto is “if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all”

• you want to be perfect

• each and every mistake is a serious obstacle on your way

• people “can’t reach your level, and you still have to grow to reach it”

• you set yourself unattainable goals

• you have a lot of anxiety and you are very afraid of evaluations from other people

• you want to control everything

• it’s very difficult for you to make decisions

• you finish projects with great difficulty because you don’t let the “you can still improve” feeling go

• you ignore the praise while noticing only criticism

• criticism causes a huge reaction and a lot of anger

• you’re afraid of not living up to other people’s expectations

If you get more than 7 positive responses, then perfectionism is your problem. 

Let’s try to work with it? 

1. First of all, you have to admit the problem. 

Until now, many people consider perfectionism an important building block of their own personality. They are proud of it and hold on to it until the last moment. 

Many people always ask the same question: “Is it bad that I always prove to the world what I can do?” At the same time, they can’t see that they are barely living. 

Ask yourself the following question: “Do you want to do something good, or you just want people to praise you?” 

Now imagine what your life might look like without this fear of not being perfect. 

2. Allow yourself not to be a person with supernatural abilities.

It is very difficult but possible. 

The desire to be the best in all areas is frustrating and draining. You have a legal right not to always be a superwoman. You don’t need to be the best at everything!

This is your decision. This is your choice. You can be a normal person, who has a right to make mistakes, or you can be a tortured creature dreaming about the perfect state. 

3. You need to live without being over-attached to this feeling. 

Fanaticism is a great evil. Next time, when you want to make the work from the very beginning to add “another stroke”… when you want to pull out a piece of paper with a mistake (everyone did this in school) and start again… stop and think: Why are you doing this? What happens if the page isn’t perfect? Will the world cease to exist? Will something change significantly? 

The answers will surprise you. 

4. Make mistakes.

Put things on the table in the “wrong” order. Shorten the list of things that should be done perfectly. Do the dishes in the kitchen cabinet really need to be laid out in size? Do you need to sort books in alphabetical order? Do you have to sort your clothing by color? Do you have to perform 10 deeds per day? 

Try living like this for a few days and then analyse. Has the world collapsed? 

5. Take yourself off the social approval needle.

It’s simply impossible and not really necessary to be appreciated by all the people in the world. By adjusting to other people’s desires, you not only lose yourself, but you also cause irritation and a desire to move away from you. Why? Because people are not idiots, they feel false emotions. Very soon they will be enraged by these attempts to be “perfect” in everything. 

6. Try to get out of the vicious circle.

It is difficult for perfectionists to work and be creative. They are more likely to redo what they have already done than to start something new. 

Here’s your task: every day you better be spending 30-50 minutes to create something new. As soon as the time is up, stop working and don’t go back to it. 

Measure your results: How much of the job is done? Did you manage to reach only 80-90%? You can leave it like this!

7. Stop trying to control everything.

There are a lot of things that you can’t control: the behavior of other people, their reactions, what has already happened, circumstances, road situation, world peace (the list goes on). You have to accept all of them as the weather outside your window.

Every type of control always hides anxiety. Control is a cloak of anxiety. Outline your area of responsibility by asking yourself: What am I really worried about right now? By transferring control to the zone of awareness, you will lose its power and return yourself to reality.

8. Time-management.

If it is difficult to focus on the result, let the time spent be the key indicator. Set a shorter time frame for the task in advance than originally planned.  “I will spend 10 minutes on each document, and then move on to the next” or “I will clean the kitchen for 15 minutes, and then, regardless of the result, I will stop and start reading.”

9. Focus on the positive side, and not the negative.

Start keeping a diary to write down only the good events of the past day. Put a beautiful box in a prominent place. Every evening you will put a piece of paper with the words of appraisal. At the end of the month, you can pour a glass of champagne (juice, tonic) and celebrate these good events. 

10. Eat the elephant piece by piece.

Break down big goals into small and achievable ones. This will help you see results, develop a habit of not putting things off ‘for later’, increase your own self-confidence and reduce anxiety due to upcoming deadlines.

The post How to stop destroying your life if you want everything to be perfect? appeared first on Mindspa.