Men’s top 5 fears

During counseling sessions, women often say that men have it easy. We, women, have a lot of anxieties and fears, and they (bast…) only have fun! And – they don’t have periods. We will agree with the last point, but the issue of anxieties and fears is not that straightforward.

The thing is that in their principle, men’s fears are very similar to women’s, even if it is hard to believe. They may have a slightly different focus, but the essence is the same. Our experience of working with men, who also come to psychologists for help, allows us to state this quite confidently.

So, what are men afraid of? Here is the list of the most frequent fears:

• 1. … of getting old and not being attractive.

Yes – this is not just “women’s” topic. The upcoming new anniversary is making men as anxious as women. Gray hair, loss of strength in muscles, wrinkles make men think that attractiveness is fading away, and … I’m not the “wow” I was 10 years ago. It is during this period that men often have young girlfriends, as if proving to themselves that they win the fight with age.

Scott is studying his reflection in the mirror. Today he turned 50. 50! There is a tummy showing, he already has more gray hair than his natural dark hair… The time is not far off when a beautiful woman will no longer look in his direction… And what lies ahead? Old age and weakness? Ehhh…

• 2. … to fuck up in bed.

Male strength, the ability to be good in bed is one of the most important pillars on which male self-esteem is built. If something goes wrong in this area, there is a fear of “screwing up”, which greatly affects the erection and confidence of a man in his capabilities in principle. And not only real health problems in the intimate sphere, but also the indelicacy of the partner, excessive fixation on this topic, and one-time sexual failures can make men worry about their solvency in bed. Women are afraid to be unattractive, not to be liked, and men – to look like bad lovers.

Under the influence of a prolonged stress period, Jay experienced an embarrassing moment in bed with a new girlfriend. She said something like “Yeah… It would be better if we haven’t tried this. Maybe, you need to take some pills?” And Jay lost his peace of mind. Now, he is afraid of sex, afraid that things will not work out. And problems did start happening since fear and anxiety block literally everything in our bodies.

• 3. … of not being accomplished professionally.

Here, we can add the fear of not earning enough and not being able to support the family. If this area is not stable, a man may literally lose the ability to enjoy life: to be happy, to have sexual desires, and to want anything at all. Women, by the way, often don’t understand this fixation on work. They become upset thinking that it is because of them that their partners’ mood is going south…

During the last six months, Gregory have been having problems at work. His start-up, where he invested all he had, is at the brink of bankruptcy because of the pandemic. He is extremely worried that he will not be able to support his wife and will need to ask his parents for money. The financial independence that he worked so hard to build is melting like a morning fog. And his wife, Barbara, is getting upset because he is not attentive and “fixated” on his work. “It is only a job!”

• 4. … to show feelings.

Oh, we can write treatises about that. “Boys don’t cry” – this is taught to kids from the kindergarten. And now, grown-up boys try in every possible way not to show their emotions: to restrain their joy, not to show frustration and even more so – tears. After all, this means “to be weak”. They also have a hard time with other people’s emotions – it is not clear what to do with them and how to behave.

Nobody has ever seen Yu-ting upset. No matter what happens – he is always composed and not a muscle on his face betrays the real emotions he is feeling. When he was little, his father used to call him a “whining baby” any time he showed his feelings.

• 5. … of being “used”.

And again, this fear is similar to women’s fear. What if I am simply convenient for my partner? What if they only need my money/house/status? The fear of not being loved can literally paralyze a person (regardless of gender), especially if there is a history of traumatic experience.

Nathalie and Kegan have been keeping a distance from each other for a long time. They both were afraid. Nathalie’s ex was a gigolo and has been sucking money out of her non-stop. And Kegan was worried that she does not need him, but his beautiful house and financial stability. They have spent two years going round and round, looking at each other – trying to notice every little “confirmation” of their suspicions. 

We are not that different, friends. Even though they say “men are from Mars, women are from Venus”, both genders are equally vulnerable. And we are afraid of very similar things…