Letters from readers: Is my man a gaslighter?

“Hello! I’m writing on the subject of gaslighting. After reading your articles about it, I realized that it exists in my life too.  My man often says things like “you think wrong”, “don’t you think you’re overreacting?”, “everything is so complicated with you”…  He often denies ever saying things, “I didn’t say that” or “you misunderstood”, when I remember word for word what was said…

Here’s one situation as an example: we agreed after work that we would meet at the mall.  When I got on the tram, I texted him saying that I would get to a specific stop and then walk from there, so that he could roughly estimate how long it would take me to get there.  While I was on the tram, I realized that if I got off at a closer bus stop, my walking distance would actually be closer.  Eventually, when I approached the mall, he called me and said that he had come to the stop where I had originally planned to go.  And then it ended up being my fault that we missed each other. I even sent him a screenshot on WhatsApp, where it indicated clear as day where we’d be meeting up, to which he replied “and?” And then he said that he wasn’t really ever sure where I was or who I was with, and that maybe I was seeing someone else before coming to him…

Anyway, in any situation, it all boils down to being my fault.  Even when I need to be home for a couple of days, the first question he asks when I meet him is, “where did you vanish off to?” And then he starts threatening me, saying, “keep it up and I won’t marry you,” “I’ll find myself someone who doesn’t go missing.” It sort of sounds like a joke, but every joke has its own sliver of truth. And I get upset hearing this. I don’t say that kind of stuff to him.

Yesterday, I asked him if he knew what gaslighting was. No. I explained it to him. In return he said, “You mean you think that’s how I act? Don’t you think that’s all in your head?”

And I’m starting to think that maybe the fault really is in me. I always “accept” all the guilt he puts on me. Of course, after your course, I started to see it, but so far it’s like I’m looking in from the outside… I kind of understand deep inside that my feelings of guilt are inappropriate, but at the same time the physical sensations persist — my heart pounds, my hands get cold, tears well up, and it feels like a bag of potatoes is weighing my neck down…

Question: If a person does not realize (or doesn’t admit) that he or she engaging in gaslighting, how does one counteract it?  Are these types of relationship doomed? Thank you!”

Hi, E. 

• You have a difficult relationship, and of course it’s great that you’re asking yourself this question on how to resist.

• Yes, there are toxic people. And there are reasons why they become or remain that way.

Your man also had something in his life that gave way to such problems. Perhaps one of his parents often blamed him for things. Guilt is also usually used to try to control. It could have been, for example, that he was made to feel guilty and through this guilt was then controlled. For him, guilt may be an overload and something intolerable. And so, when any inconsistency is sighted in the relationship, it’s easier for him to blame you than to look at the situation reasonably.

What can you do with the relationship?

1. Accept that he has these traits. Compare the pros and cons for yourself – do you need this? Think about why you stay with him despite these challenges. What connects you two? In what aspects are you two similar?  It’s important to understand the whole picture.

2.  Invite him to go to a family psychologist together and look for options to improve the atmosphere in the relationship. Invite him to resolve the situation between you two together.

3.  In fairness, his toxicity is his responsibility and his job is to deal with it.  But he won’t start dealing with it until he arrives at the idea that communicating like this is futile; it’s harmful to the relationship.

Until then, he’ll be like a programmed robot repeating the same thing. 

That’s why you can only give feedback using “I” language. For example: When you do this, I am sad, hurt, confused… or something else.

For one person, this will be a reason to stop and to think. For someone else, it’ll seem that you’re scolding them, blaming them. And instead of being heard, you’ll get a negative response. 

For your words to be heard through your mouth, you also need ears that can hear. It’s not certain that you partner will hear, but you can give it a shot. And using “I” language serves to convey information to the other person in the most neutral way possible, so that this person understands how his actions affect you. Neutral, calm. That is, first it is better to calm down, and then talk to him.

And once again, I emphasize: not even the most correct wording possible can affect someone who is not ready to hear and accept the feelings of their partner. Be prepared for that. Leave his part of the responsibility to him.

What can you do?

1.Understand that there are negative contributions to the relationship from him and from you, too. Whatever the second person does, the reaction we have is more about us than about him. So if he’s being toxic – you react

2.Understand that this is his own characteristic (for now or for always) and not to take responsibility for someone else’s inadequacy. 

Something like: “I know that he tends to credit me with all the mistakes in our relationship, but I know that I have my own truth (and outline what that truth is). It is important to keep your own meaning, as you see it, separate from his opinion. 

For example, he says that you’re vanishing, but you remember that you are resting. (Again, I don’t know the details; it’s important to know if you’re letting him know, discussing how he feels with your breaks. Perhaps he’s having a hard time with it. And then you’ll provoke him to react negatively. He is responsible for his own reactions, but you might be contributing). 

3.Work with your emotions. “But the physical sensations persist — my heart pounds, my hands get cold, tears well up, and it feels like a bag of potatoes is weighing my neck down…” Of course, it’s better to see a psychologist. This reaction clearly indicates some difficulties in perceiving the situation. They need to be resolved. You can use the exercises from our psycho-sutra section. 

Take care of yourself. 

Natalia Nikulina

Mindspa Consulting psychologist