Who among us has not encountered situations when someone, maybe even someone close, persistently invades the territory where they were not invited? This may bring up different reactions: confusion, irritation, anger, or resentment. Each of these reactions is quite natural because the violation of boundaries always feels like an invasion or aggression – no matter what sauce it is being served with.
Olivia says: “Every time I visit a playground, some random woman starts advising me how I should dress my two-year-old son, how to treat his skin rash, or what to do to lose weight after giving birth (although my figure is quite fine with me!). I freeze up and do not know what to answer. I feel insanely annoyed, but I cannot argue with them! It is just a piece of advice… But I do not know how to stop it without getting into a conflict…
True. How should you react when you encounter this kind of “do-gooder”?
1. If you feel that something that you don’t like is happening – respond right away.
“My colleague needed help, and he said: “Hey sweetheart, can you please print out these forms for me?” – Nadia says with irritation. “Of course, I printed them out, but I didn’t like how he addressed me. And I don’t think he even noticed.”
In such situations, you need to react immediately: politely but firmly. “Chad, please do not call me like that. I prefer to be addressed by my name.” If you do not say out loud what you like or do not like, nobody will ever learn about it, and you will always experience discomfort.
2. When communicating with close people, the “sandwich” technique works well: compliment-feedback-compliment.
First, you say something soft, a compliment, then you let them know how you feel and indicate your position, and then add another softening compliment.
For example, “Caroline, you are a very attentive and caring person, and I know that you want to help me. When you told me that I should not be wearing dresses because they don’t flatter my figure, it was unpleasant to me. I got upset and angry. I value your opinion, but only when I ask for it myself. In all other cases, it rather annoys me. I am sure that you will understand. You and I always see eye-to-eye. Thank you!”
3. Ignoring is a good technique if a stranger violates your boundaries.
“I also had a skin rash like this. Have you tried using zinc ointment?”
Here is an option of how to respond: give them a long and telling stare without a smile and… go about your business. In most cases, the person will feel awkward and leave you alone. But if they ask again, then you can respond in a calm tone something like this: “My silence should have been an indication that I am not interested in other people’s opinions on this topic.”
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4. Shift the focus to the “do-gooder” themselves.
This is a great way to deal with nosy relatives or neighbors.
Julia would often run into an annoying middle-aged lady in the elevator, who, during a short ride, managed to torment her with questions about her child, work, and appearance. Julia could only manage one-word replies. The next time, having gotten into the elevator with the same “auntie”, Julia started first: “And what are you feeding your grandson? You should be careful – this may cause allergies! Why do you take him outside so little? Children need fresh air! Isn’t it hard for you to be with him all the time? His parents just dumped him on you? Millennials are so entitled…”. The lady was demoralized.
5. Indicate your boundaries and point them out firmly and friendly, without aggression. Aggression usually provokes a similar response and takes up a lot of energy. You should only use it when no other options are available (this happens too).
The main thing is to clearly state your thought, look directly in the eye, and remain calm.
“I do not discuss my personal life with others”. “This is my decision, and we are not going to discuss it”.
6. In special cases, you can use passive aggression: ridicule and irony.
“What do you mean? I did not think we were so close that we can discuss such things! ” “Oh, are you a doctor? No? Well, maybe then we can do without medical advice? “
7. It is much harder to establish boundaries with close people because they know all the nooks and crannies and they are much more efficient at breaking through your fortifications. But with them, you especially need your self-defense skills. In this case, your main tools are calmness and consistency.
Every time in a phone conversation your mom brings up the topic of marriage and children. You can warn her once: “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it”. If she doesn’t let go, you tell her one more time and add that if she continues, you will need to stop the conversation: “Mom, I am asking you again to stop bringing up this topic. Otherwise, I will have to hang up.” On the third time, you say goodbye: “I am sorry, mom. Let’s chat some other time. Bye.”
And the most important thing: you will be able to defend your boundaries if you believe that you deserve respect. And it is in this area where you should start working on yourself. Then, everything else will work out much easier. Good luck!
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