Financial Independence. Step one.

Are you in a terrible relationship where there’s a place for everything that contradicts the principles of partnership and mutual respect? There are abuse, betrayals and even physical violence. “Run !!!” you’re thinking. “Today!” your psychologist is telling you.

But there is a caveat … This person financially supports you. “This person” can be anyone: spouse, lover, parents, children. The bottom line is that you are financially dependent on another person, and breaking these relationships is problematic for you because you won’t have a livelihood if you do.

Against this backdrop, all the arguments of psychologists about “happy independence” fade. You know for sure that without money, resources, connections of “This person” you cannot survive.

Let’s take a look at a few examples:

Polly is a mother of three, she has been on maternity for the last 8 years, now she has a baby. The relationship is unbearable. The husband yells at her, regularly tells her off because of the mess at home, makes her look dirty and stupid in front of friends and relatives. A couple of years ago, Polly found his romantic correspondence with another woman. There was a big scandal. But he didn’t leave the family – instead, he began to be more sexually active, and Polly therefore became pregnant again. They live in a large apartment, purchased before marriage. The money that the husband provides for the household is enough for food. Money for any other purchases must be requested separately. The relationship is very exhausting, but there’s nowhere to go, because of “ the children …”

Alexandra is a second-year student at a university. She came to Moscow from a small town. But suddenly everything went wrong with the “conquest of Moscow”. At the end of the second year, she was expelled from the university. The reason was a tumultuous romance with the “handsome prince”, whom she met in a nightclub. He was 10 years older than her, courted her perfectly, was building a career. He rented her an apartner, helped with money for shopping and cosmetics. Everything was wonderful. But after 8 months, she found out that he was married and had a baby. He assured her that the relationship was terrible, that he has long been dreaming of a divorce, and that she needed to wait a bit. After that, his gifts became more expensive, but the dates were less frequent and cooler. He began to tell Alexandra off that she couldn’t do anything, that they had nothing to talk about, that she was uninteresting. Alexandra was going to sign up for cosmetologist courses, but he made fun of her hobby, saying that “only complete idiots can want to smooth out the faces of other ugly ladies all their lives”. Alexandra is at a loss. She doesn’t have a profession or friends, she’s also ashamed to go back home, because her parents don’t know about the problems at the university, they believe that she is still studying.

Natalie worked as a PA to the general director of a large corporation. And on her 35th birthday, the director invited her out to a posh restaurant as a gift, and then to a bowling alley. The evening continued in her bedroom. She knew that the boss was married, and that the wife had leverage over his career. But he was so impressive. She’d liked him for a long time. Moreover, her circle of admirers wasn’t exactly teeming with other contenders. They began an office romance. Suddenly, three months later, the finance department found a mistake in her work and she was fired the same day. He came to her house, lamented that he couldn’t help, promised to recommend her to another company. But weeks passed and there were no references. He did help her financially a little, but he spent more money on their joint fun. After the money from the “safety cushion” ran out, Natalie said she’d start looking for a job. To which her former boss said: “No!” He said that she’d fail anyway, that the mistake that made her fired was very serious, and that he wouldn’t give her a good reference. And in general, if she wanted to continue relations with him, then she wasn’t to work. Natalie was very scared, but she didn’t understand what to do next, because the money in her account has practically “melted away”.

Three different stories. But we see a common logic in each of them. “This person” has more freedom, resources and awareness. Throughout the relationship, “This person” deceives his partner. “This person” seeks to reduce her freedom, seeks to fully control her, to determine her life and the course of development.

What can you do? How to fight back when there’re no resources to even just maintain a stable relationship? Where do you go when everything that belongs to you doesn’t in fact belong to you?

The first, the key and the only thought is to leave! Leave, because it’ll only get worse from here on. A violent and abusive person doesn’t intend to stop when he feels that he has gained power over the “victim”.

“Should I leave right now?”, you ask. Right now usually doesn’t work out – you need resources to fight, to establish new connections, to help yourself, to consolidate success. And right now isn’t your option. We’ll allow ourselves to assume the thoughts running through your head when we, or you, say to yourself, “Get out!”:

• “I’m used to comfort and can’t give it up.”
• “I don’t know how to work, I can’t imagine doing something boring all day in a stuffy office.”
• “I don’t have any useful skills for which I would be paid”
• “His” influence is so great that I can’t find a job, “he” won’t let me.
• “I can’t earn as much as I need, it will be a waste of my time and efforts”
• I won’t be able to work, because I have children, there won’t be anybody to support them, we won’t have anywhere to live and anything to eat.

Sounds familiar?

All these thoughts are the result of learned helplessness, which is what you inherited from a toxic relationship with an abuser. The key goal of the abuser is to feel strong. What’s the easiest way to do this? It’s necessary to convince someone close by that they are weak, dependent, helpless. And then, against the backdrop of this “mouse”, it’s not so hard to feel like James Bond and Bill Gates at the same time.

What helps against helplessness?

1. Anger!

2. Clear understanding that it’ll only get worse from then onwards.

Let’s take a look at what happened with our heroines later on. What changed the course of events, helped make them feel more powerful, helped find the inner strength and push the helplessness away.

Once upon a time, Polly worked as a lead sales manager for advertising spaces in a large print media outlet. But she left as soon as she became pregnant with her first child – even before her official marriage. After 8 years of marriage and almost 9 years of unemployed life, not only her career turned into “dust”, but the publication itself lost its position, shrank to the size of a small online outlet.

However, an unexpected challenge has highlighted the entire depth of crisis in her relationship with her husband and forced Polly to change the behavior strategy from passively accepting to actively transforming. Coronavirus came to the country, and Polly’s husband, the commercial director of a leading event agency in the city, was sent on unpaid leave without receiving any indication when he’d be back at work.

He came home, fell down on the couch, ordered pizza and began to lie down and watch TV. Days passed, the money for food this month was almost finished. Children were moved to home schooling, life turned into a madhouse. After a week of such existence, Polly decided to ask her husband whether he was going to do something about. As a response to that, her husband unexpectedly and irreversibly “went ballistic”, threw things at her, including their framed wedding photo, yelled that he had lost everything, and in general he had no life, everything was just about them, that she had “trapped” him, and can’t imagine what it means to work and earn money for the entire family. Polina got very angry, but seeing that he was in a mad state, closed the bedroom door tightly. Her trust in her husband clicked and got locked away just like that door. She slowly examined her apartment, her children, the familiar interior items, understanding, and feeling that fundamental changes were taking place inside her.

Significant changes have taken place in Alexandra’s life. Once, when her lover was in the shower, he got a text on his phone. Alexandra looked at the phone and saw the words “Honey, I miss you…” Shocked at such a start, Alexandra read the texts, and realized that he had a new mistress, whom he’s telling the same “tall tales” about the upcoming divorce she herself was hearing six months ago. She kicked up a fuss at the lover, sent her her own naked photo in his jeans, and threw a tantrum for him. He got furious and said that he demanded that she leave the apartment tomorrow. The next day, he really showed up with a friend, began to collect her things and take them out to the street, and then, right before her eyes, changed the locks. Alexandra was literally out on the street. Perplexity was replaced by anger, then confusion and resentment came, and then it was anger again.

Despite the lack of support from her lover, Natalie nonetheless sent her resume out to several large companies for various administrative positions. An invitation to an interview came from one of these companies. Natalia decided to consult with her lover. He promised to make inquiries and asked her not to schedule a meeting yet. A week later, she asked how things were going with the inquiries about the company – he told her that this was a bad employer and she shouldn’t waste time on them. But Natalie still decided to go in for an interview. She started calling the recruiter to set the time, and it turned out then that they weren’t considering any more candidates for this position. She was too late.

Natalya hung up and began to. The whole chain of events began to line up in her head. Vulnerability in the career of her lover in front of his wife, unexpected financial error and a quick dismissal, control of job hunting, poor references, delaying the appointment of an interview … No, this person was unlikely to want her to succeed.

Let’s analyze what had happened to our heroines. Each of them was faced with a situation where the delicate balance of their patience and acceptance aimed at maintaining the benefits that an existing relationship provided them with has collapsed. Instead of benefits, a gigantic shortage of resources was identified in their lives, together with a stream of aggression, accusations and intimidation from their partners. Benefits have vanished, and acceptance has also vanished in turn. And anger and devastation came in its place. And it was anger and devastation that became the turning elements that made the change possible. Anger and devastation are markers of the end of an era, it’s what conquers affection and fear, it’s what’s stronger than status and decency. Devastation dries up the feelings with which we cling to the old, anger is the fuel of movement that drives us forward. And therefore, it’s a sufficient amount anger and devastation that is the resource for a change. And you have a situation when you stop answering the call “Get out! Today!  with “Impossible …” and start answering with a simple “Yes! ”

Are you experiencing these emotions in the relationship with “This person”? Many times? If yes, you’re ready to act!

To be continued!

Read the answer to the “What to do?” question in the next article.