Self-abuse and self-gaslighting 

Let’s start with terminology.

Abuse is any violence (physical or psychological) aimed to dominate and oppress the will of a person.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological violence, the main task of which is to make a person suffer and doubt the validity of their perception of reality through the denial of experiences, devaluing, and various kinds of manipulation.

One may think that this can only come from other people. How is this possible at all – “to abuse and gaslight oneself”? Can a person do this to themselves?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes…

“I’m a nobody – a complete nothing!”

“I will never do anything well, I am so clumsy!”

“I am such a loser!”

“I must have imagined it – they were just joking. And I burst into tears, what an idiot!”

“Am I sure that I remember this dialogue correctly? Maybe I made it all up?

Such internal dialogues are not uncommon for those who grew up in dysfunctional families where they were humiliated and devalued. Or maybe a grown-up person has been in a relationship for a long time with an abusive partner who mistreated them in this way.

In the past, these phrases (you only need to change the pronoun from “I” to “you”) achieved their goal by engraving themselves into the victim’s self-image, forming it, or to be more precise, deforming it.

And then a miracle happened – the person broke free from the oppression of their toxic parents or partner. It would seem that everything should go better now! But alas…

The violence has not ended: the abuser and gaslighter ceased to be outside and moved inside and settled there, taking all the free space. They settled down inside the person’s psyche and feel quite at ease, continuing their sabotage. They are like an “alien” from the movie by the same name: they capture and control the body they have chosen. For psychological abuse to continue, an external source of violence is no longer needed.

Now, you use the harshest words to scold yourself for the mistake you make, severely punish yourself, and devalue any of your achievements.

Not everything worked out as planned? “Of course, you failed! Who did you think you are, fool?

You made a mistake at work? “What did you expect, dummy? Now everyone will know the truth about you.”

“This is not real grief – I’m just overreacting, as always.”

“She is not like that – I am just imagining that I’m being bullied.”

“I fell on my own – he barely touched me.”

Self-gaslighting is aimed at the psychological self-destruction of the individual. The ability to distinguish between the good and the bad is lost. It is not clear who can be trusted and who should not be. The person finds themselves in a distorted environment that has nothing to do with reality.

In therapy, there is an opportunity to learn to notice this inner abuser, analyze the outcomes of their skillful manipulation, and develop new strategies for handling life events – for handling them successfully and building a happy life, which is very important.

You can start this work yourself. However, it is difficult. First, you need to learn to notice when the inner tyrant speaks to you and try to replace their usual depreciating phrases with opposite, supportive ones.

No one can be happy if they are humiliated and their feelings are devalued – even if unconsciously the person does it to themselves and there is no external abuser.