In Harry’s family, it is customary to chit-chat about how he could improve his life. The conversation is conducted from the position of “who, except for your parents, will tell you the truth?”. Mom and dad actively express their opinions about Harry’s work (just a veterinarian, “it’s time to find a serious job”), personal life (“you are already 28, and still have not found a “good girl”, “Next week, we’ll introduce you to Aunt Margaret’s daughter!”), his appearance (“A beard? So old-fashioned! You’re a young guy!”).
And Ruth’s mother often casually makes remarks like this: “Yeah… This dress would look better on someone taller…”, “This hair color makes you look very old”, “Listen, are you going to do something about your huge booty? Let me send you a diet plan”, “It’s not your thing to work with your hands. You know, since childhood you’ve been somewhat cack-handed”. “Is it fashionable now? Well, your makeup is so vulgar!” And when Ruth reacts to such statements, her mother is offended, because she is “just telling the truth”, and wishes the best for her daughter… Ruth is such an ungrateful daughter, oh, so ungrateful…
Parents-appraisers make unsolicited statements about your appearance and personality (both negative and positive, by the way, in the form of “finally you started to look/live normally”). And this is also a clear violation of psychological boundaries. Regular discussions about who you are and what you do are unsettling and not always recognized as an invasion, because they seem to be just words and wishes…
Parents often react to objections with expressed resentment (what did you expect – we are talking about habitual manipulators!). They make you feel guilty and even demand to apologize for “rudeness”, if, for example, you said something back to them.
Phrases-markers:
– If I don’t tell you, no one will…
– Oh, well, are you offended now?
– You need to learn how to adequately accept critique…
– I am entitled to my opinion…
– What did I say? Now I can’t say a word to you?
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Feelings-markers:
– Resentment. Nobody likes being judged.
– Anger. For the same reason.
What appraisers are trying to achieve: Just like counselors (these sides can be present in one person), appraisers think that they “know how things should be” and have the right to “broadcast” this “knowledge”. They are well-intentioned! By the way, most often, they truly believe that they want the best for their children.
When appraisers accuse you of reacting incorrectly to their statements, they show resentment and become accusatory. Since if you are the guilty party, they automatically become the injured party and demand compensation.
How to defend your boundaries when communicating with appraisers: first, it is important to explain to yourself (and believe in it) that any assessment of your appearance, decisions, or actions can only take place when you request this opinion/assessment. In all other cases, it is a violation of your boundaries. And you have every right to make it clear, even to those closest to you, that this is unpleasant for you and that they should not do this. No, you are not “someone who cannot take criticism”, and no, you are not obliged to accept someone’s subjective “truth” as the ultimate truth.
It is necessary to give feedback to your parents when they exceed their authority, just as in all other cases: clearly and calmly, without raising your voice. And leave the conversation if the violations of your boundaries continue.
“Mom, I hate it when you evaluate my appearance, I ask you not to do this.”
“Mom, I’m 28, I’m a grown man and I can decide for myself whether to wear a beard or not. You have to come to terms with it.”
“I’m sorry that you don’t like my profession/my husband/my hair, but it’s my choice and we won’t talk about it anymore, okay?”
If your parents show that they are hurt by your response, you don’t have to rush to fix it. In this case, it’s not you who offended them, but it is them who chose to be offended. Allow them this choice.
Protecting your boundaries is important. You need them for your integrity and psychological comfort. You love your parents, and they love you. And properly built boundaries of your mutual love do not dimmish it, but, on the contrary, make it stronger.
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