We’ve been thinking about how to call those parents who constantly talk about proper behavior, as if what is “proper” is obvious to everyone and generally accepted. Usually, these sermons are accompanied by anger and bewilderment: how could you not know that you need to behave this way? How can you act according to your own (certainly selfish!) rules and interests!
There is such a word – rigorism. Wikipedia describes it as the strictness of interpreting or enforcing a rule. Rigorism excludes compromises and does not consider different points of view. Most often it concerns moral standards. A rigorist shows petty nit-picking in observing the rules of morality and is completely inflexible.
The words like “proper – improper”, “you should – you shouldn’t”, “obligations”, “duty” make up the lion’s share of the lexicon of rigorous parents. None of your desires and needs are important as compared to “proper” behavior. There are rules for all occasions. When communicating, such parents usually either “climb on a high horse”, or act as convenient doormats, disregarding their interests and needs, trying to please everyone. And they demand the same from their children of any age.
Maria has just such parents. “How can you not invite Aunt Helen and Uncle Ben to your birthday party? They are our relatives! So what if you don’t like them and you don’t even remember them – they are RELATIVES! This is very improper!”. “What career? You are 28! All women by this age should be married and have children!” “You must dress appropriately, people will be watching”, “Decent women do not call men themselves – they make men chase them”, “Only easy women have sex before marriage”, “If a woman uses swear words, then she is trashy. No decent man would marry such a woman!” And so on, non-stop, endlessly. Poor Maria has been hearing these lectures since childhood. She can’t stand the word “proper”.
Phrases-markers:
– What will people say?
– A proper man/woman should…
– Decent people act like this…
– As my daughter/son you must…
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Feelings-markers:
– Chronic shame. Often becomes neurotic.
– Resentment – because your feelings and needs are never considered.
– Anger – for the same reason. People often become aware of it in therapy.
– Guilt. After all, no person can be constantly “proper” and “good”.
What rigorists are trying to achieve: often they are also shackled by their rules. They perceive their children as an extension of themselves. So, if the children do not behave by their code, this causes them to panic – because what will people think! For rigorists, the world is black and white. There are no halftones or shades. There are only rules, rules, and more rules. Morality and ethics make them hypocrites. They do not feel the boundaries of other people – the concept of boundaries is unknown to them.
How to defend your boundaries when communicating with rigorists: explain to them that they can live by the rules that suit them, and you have the right to live by those that suit you.
Firmly indicate when they are crossing your boundaries: “Mom, this is my life, and I myself will decide when I get married and have children”, “Dad, my profession is my choice”, “No, I will not invite aunt Helen and uncle Ben, because this is MY birthday.”
Accept the fact that you probably cannot change your parents. They are what they are – leave that right to them. Just don’t let them interfere with your life. And in case of their excessive activity, use the method that we described in the article about parents-controllers.
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