Manipulative parents: controller

By default, parents should be on our side because they are… parents… It’s good when this is so. However, the largest number of psychological problems in adults are also associated with the relationship with their parents. A rare psychological consultation takes place without mentioning or even being focused on the relationship with mom and/or dad. Why is this happening?

The fact is that it is the parents who most often want to go beyond what is appropriate and violate the boundaries of their children – first small ones, and then adults. Most often this happens under the slogans “You will be better off” and “I only wish you well!”, which does not make the situation more pleasant. Perhaps, on the contrary, it makes you feel lost: everything seems to be done for my sake, but for some reason, I feel horrible…

Let’s study what types of parents-manipulators are most common.

Controller.

Helena strictly ensures that her daughter Sabine comes home no later than 10 PM. Later is unsafe – all kinds of strange people are out on the streets. However, Sabine is 27 and lives separately from her mother. Yet, every night she needs to call her mom, otherwise, Helena won’t be able to fall asleep… Helena also carefully monitors Sabine’s nutrition, demands reports, and asks her in detail what she had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. “Food should be light,” Helena (a former ballerina) lectures Sabine. “It is enough to have a glass of milk for dinner. Otherwise, you won’t get through the door.” When Sabine began dating Leo, her mother almost went crazy with worry: she demanded to know where he works, where he lives, who his parents are, and so on. Sabine was not eager to involve her mom in her personal life and left many questions unanswered. Once, when Sabine invited Helena to her place, she unexpectedly found her mother rummaging through her medicine cabinets: “You do not tell me anything! I must know what 

you use for contraception – just in case!”

Of course, Helena is an extreme case. But it is important to remember that any attempt to control an adult is a violation of their boundaries. Controllers cross boundaries all the time and are not even aware of that. They may demand to know what is going on in your life, try to monitor your social network accounts, interfere in your relationship with other people (Helena called Leo and asked him whether he has serious intentions regarding her daughter), use ultimatums (“Either this Leo of yours or me!”)

Here are the phrases-markers that raise red flags:

– You should/shouldn’t do that;

– You must tell me;

– Why don’t you show it to me if you have nothing to hide?

– I have the right to know;

– I am your mother/father, you must listen to me!

– Oh, come on, you are overreacting! What did I do?

– Do not drink at the corporate party, it’s bad for you!

– You need to eat properly, see this doctor, and communicate with these people, but not with those;

– I already called and scheduled an appointment for you. So what if you didn’t ask?

Adult children of controller parents may experience the following feelings-markers:

– Fear. Because the parent figure is “bloated” and oversized.

– Anger. Because constant intervention in your life makes you angry. At the same time, it is often impossible to give free rein to these feelings, since “this is my mom”. And anger is transformed into its collapsed form: irritation or resentment.

– Guilt. Because the controllers actively induce it. And the guilt becomes chronic.

What do controllers seek? Power – unlimited, which is based on colossal pride and indispensability (“Only I know how you should live!”). Controllers are anxious, and they need to ensure their safety at all costs. And this is possible only if the threads of all events are in their hands. Most often controllers sincerely believe that they do everything for the sake of their children. But in reality, they try to protect their security. However, if you tell them that (or even just suggest it) you will face their righteous anger. Do not say that we did not warn you!

How to defend your boundaries from controllers?

Stop every attempt. Here is the algorithm.

1. You warn the controller that they should not do the specific action that violates your boundaries.

2. If they do it again, you remind them about it and say what will happen if they do not stop.

3. If they still do not stop, you implement the consequences.

Assume this situation: your Mom calls on the phone and once again begins an interrogation on a topic that you do not want to discuss. For example, your food. When she starts her broken record, you stop her and say: “Mom, I don’t want to discuss this topic anymore, I don’t like it. Please do not ask me anymore about what I eat and in what quantities, okay?”

If she tries to do it again, you calmly repeat it and add “I definitely do not want to talk about it. And if you do not stop, then we will have to end our conversation.”

And if she still does not stop, you say (calmly!) “Mom, you are not able to hear me. ☹ Let’s talk some other time. I got to go. Bye.” And hang up.

This is an effective method of implementing the consequences.

You need to act consistently and relentlessly. Be sure to inform the controller about how you are ready to interact: (“I will call you on Mondays and Sundays”) and implement the chosen strategy.

Do not raise your voice, try to speak as calmly as possible. You do not need to escalate the conflict. Only give out the information that you want to discuss. Do not allow them to try to influence what is not in their zone of control.

If you want to stop reacting to manipulations, you can take our courses “Emotional Intelligence” and “Self-Image”. These therapeutic programs can be studied independently. They will help you to become a more stable person. 

You can find more information here <link>.