Why do I feel uncomfortable in social situations?

In the last article, we considered what social anxiety is and how to recognize that it wrapped its tentacles around you. Now it is time to figure out where does it come from? 

1. Personal traits 

All of us are different. Everybody is born with distinct features of the nervous system that creates “brick by brick” their temperament. Later, under the influence of society and external circumstances, the person’s character is created. The character is something we acquire. By contrast, we are born with the properties of our nervous system and they are “non-returnable and non-refundable”. 

Some combinations of all these factors can create a characterological picture of shyness, timidity, and indecision. Add to this “salad” the acquired neurotic disposition of the personality and you get a solid basis for social anxiety. 

Anthony has been always a shy child, ever since he was a baby. In daycare, he often played by himself, quietly rolling a toy truck. He would flatly refuse to participate in common games and activities with other children. The teachers at daycare gave up on the idea to get Anthony to act in any of the performances. He knew a lot of children’s poems, but he was only able to whisper them into the ear of his favorite teacher. At school, the situation has not changed: Anthony had only one friend, and he would rarely speak up in the classroom. His answers at the blackboard were agonizing too. In the end, the teachers resigned themselves and stopped asking Anthony to answer in front of the whole class. He knew the subject perfectly, but he could only answer questions in writing, or when he was alone with the teacher. Now, Anthony is a programmer. He is great at what he does. His work doesn’t require a lot of interaction with other people. During the team meetings he is still experiencing difficulties, but he is working on it. He is trying to participate in them and takes time to prepare. It is a challenge for him, but overall, he is doing fine with the help of various anxiety-reducing techniques. 

2. Beliefs we get from childhood 

You may say: “Here we go again – everything comes from childhood”. Oh, yes: a word dropped from a song makes it all wrong, as they say. Of course, the environment where we grew up, the words we heard from our caregivers, our first experience of social interactions – all this has a huge influence on us. 

Vanessa’s Mom was an anxious person. From her point of view, everything was dangerous: inviting friends over (they may steal something), walking to school alone (you may get lost, you may trip and get hit by a car, you may meet a pedophile), to act in a play (you may forget the words and everyone will be laughing at you), to date boys (they only want one thing). 

Vanessa had to call her Mom every two hours when she stayed at home alone, to make sure that Mom would not worry about her. She was forbidden to open doors through the intercom (we don’t know what kind of criminals are trying to rob us and our neighbors) and to talk to strangers (even to clerks at grocery stores). Vanessa firmly understood that the world is dangerous and inhospitable, and it is better to stay away from people. Now, she is already 23, but she is still avoiding people. She is afraid of communication and spends a couple of hours in doubts and anxiety before making a simple phone call. 

Between the child’s upbringing model and the developmental features of their psyche there is connection. These are the most common types of upbringing that can plant the seed of future social anxiety: the rejection of the child, overprotection, and anxious-suspicious type (this is Vanessa’s case). 

When the child is rejected – there is no warm connection between them and the caregivers. This leaves a trace on the child’s psyche. The child may be well fed and dressed, but utterly lonely. In this case, there is a good chance that they will grow up to be an aggressive and antagonistic person. Or vice-versa – they can be shy or even timid, following the unspoken directive from the parents to be invisible, “not to shine”. 

Alicia always knew that her birth disrupted her Mom’s promising acting career. Her Mom would talk about it often and in front of other people. She would fill them in on all the details: how she saw those unfortunate two stripes right before she was invited on an awesome tour and they had to hire another actress. How she wanted to get an abortion but got scared of pain. How she gave up her life for the sake Ali, but what can you do. In moments like this, Alicia would shrink to be as small as possible. If she could disappear, fall through the earth – she gladly would. Or ideally, she would not be born at all, just not spoil her Mom’s life… 

Among other people, Alicia also feels unneeded, like a third wheel. 

3. Negative social experience. 

Sometimes, there are other events. At first, a person doesn’t have problems with communication, but then something happens… something that changes everything. 

Kate was 12 when her family moved to another city. Her Dad was in the military and they used to move often. In the new city, she went to a new school. It was the third time when she became a “new kid”. Before, this didn’t cause serious problems. Kate would easily adapt to new classmates and find new friends. But not this time. The “queen” of the school took a dislike to Kate. She saw her as a competition since Kate was good-looking. She started gossiping and telling lies behind Kate’s back and soon everyone started harassing Kate. At first, there were small things: they would hide her notebooks or draw doodles in her textbooks. But then the size of “pranks” began to grow and turned into real bullying. They called Kate names, teased her, thrown her backpack into the toilet. The culmination was the situation when the same “queen” in the middle of the schoolyard pulled off Kate’s skirt in front of half of the school. Everyone was laughing. Having learned about all this, the parents transferred Kate to another school. But by then, Kate has changed a lot. She became afraid of her peers, tried not to communicate with anyone (she was afraid of repeating the history), and hurried home right after school. 

And Peter (just yesterday he was just Pete to everyone), the newly appointed head of the department to which he was transferred, was always a sensitive person. But he became afraid of public speaking after he got nervous at the presentation in front of the new team and forgot his carefully prepared speech. The new subordinates did not miss this opportunity and laughed at him. In the evenings, he heard them hanging out by the water-cooler and mimicking their “tongue-tied boss.” 

Of course, Kate and Peter do not have classical social anxiety. It is one of the components of the trauma they received in the past – it is their reaction to something that happened to them. Kate experienced serious bullying and now she needs time, and maybe the help of a specialist, to start trusting the world again and to stop being afraid. Peter also has a weak spot – his delicate nervous system. It is sensitive to stress, and where it is thin, there it breaks, as you know. The team’s mockery undermined his self-confidence and lead to neurotic avoidance of such situations. 

This is how it happens – the situation is already in the past, but people continue feeling as if their wellbeing and self-esteem is still in danger. As if they are carrying in a backpack all their memories and in similar situations, they pull them out and superimpose on the new social context.