What You Need to Know About Avoiding Conflicts

Conflict avoidance is a behavioral strategy that is expressed in:

– A firm refusal to discuss sensitive issues with the partner; 

– Passive aggression in response to complaints or attempts to clarify something; 

– Attacking in response to any discontent;

– Silence when a controversial issue arises;

– Disappearance after or during an argument;

– Suggestions to break up in case of any misunderstanding;

As usual, you need to look for the reason in your childhood. Most likely, back then you had to solve all your problems on your own. The tendency to avoid conflicts is common in people whose parents responded poorly to their emotional needs: ignored them, devalued them, punished them regularly, shamed or ridiculed them, brushed them off or suppressed them.

For example:

– You can cry now, but you’ll have to stop sometime! 

– Stop whining! 

– How can you be angry at your mother?! 

– You have a problem? I’m the one who has real problems, and you’re just being whiny. 

– Stop being such a wimp!

– Good girls don’t pout! 

– You try being angry with me, I’ll show you! 

– If you raise your voice ever again, I’ll throw you out!

– Are you a man or what? Don’t cry!

They never discussed challenging emotions with you, didn’t teach you how to deal with them appropriately, didn’t allow you to open yourself up in a conflict, didn’t listen to you, didn’t support you, didn’t give you a chance to speak out. You have never had the experience when a conflict ended with a constructive solution, so you can find that now you have the following beliefs:

– Any conflict is dangerous. 

– Negative emotions are bad.

– Feelings are a weakness and a reason to criticize. 

– Pain doesn’t mean anything, you can just close your eyes and move on.

– If you engage in a conflict, it will only get worse. 

– It’s easier not to respond.

Under the influence of these beliefs, and based on the experience acquired in childhood, you resort to the usual coping strategies:

– You defend yourself even when no one is attacking;

– You push your partner away;

– You escape from the contact;

– You get frustrated and keep silent;

-You withdraw.

And here’s what you need to know. It is normal to experience irritation, anxiety, frustration, and anger when there’s a clash of interests. That’s how it should be. But you can deal with these emotions in different ways. And this is a matter of choosing a response. For example, you can tell about your feelings, explain your point of view, and indicate your needs instead of running away or attacking back.

As a child, you had to adjust, because a child chooses neither the environment nor the form of communication within this environment. The only thing they can do is “cave in” in order to survive (psychologically, and sometimes physically). But as an adult, YOU shape YOUR OWN environment and form of communication. And YOU CAN CHOOSE how to behave. 

Of course, this requires time and patience. But the result is worth it.