There is an opinion that everyone should want to be in a relationship. They should strive for it and have it as a priority while forgetting about all other needs. And if someone does not want a relationship – it means that they are lying. Perhaps, they are lying to themselves, or something is wrong with them.
In reality, of course, there may be different possibilities. All people are unique. And what is considered normal is relative. There are people for whom being alone is truly more comfortable due to their personal traits. However, the percentage of such people is very small. Therefore, before claiming that relationships are an unnecessary atavism for you, you should check yourself for several markers. Perhaps the choice of a single lifestyle is not as deliberate as it seems…
Singlehood is often chosen for the following reasons.
1. Negative or traumatic experiences.
Ivan and Deborah had lived together for a year and a half. Deborah had an anxious personality and she used to “suffocate” Ivan by leaving him no personal space. She would accompany him to see his friends, throw tantrums if he was late from work, and tried to monitor his phone. Ivan would catch himself feeling that he doesn’t want to come home – it was so uncomfortable to him. The couple split. Ivan has been alone for a few years now. He states that he prefers solitude by nature and doesn’t need anyone. In reality, he is simply afraid to get into the same trap of sticky relationships. And it is hard for him to believe that another scenario is possible.
2. Experience of the parents.
Gabby grew up in a family where mom “stayed in the family for the sake of children” – for the sake of Gabby and her little brother. Her dad was drinking and sleeping around. Her mom always felt like a victim, a workhorse that is carrying the whole household and the children. At the age of 11, Gabby decided that she would never marry – she would live for herself to avoid ending up like her mother. Now Gabby is 33. She is single and says that she is fine: “It is better than to live with an alcoholic who doesn’t respect you”. She doesn’t consider the possibility that things can be different.
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3. Disappointment and the lack of skills to build a relationship.
We can’t say that Selene’s experience was traumatic, but there was no joy in her relationships. She had three of them – and they didn’t bring her anything good. Her needs for love, care, acceptance, and attention were not fulfilled whether she was in a relationship or not. “Why do I need them then?” – decided Selene.
4. The fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection can be very strong. It may control our behavior and create a lot of complicated motivations.
Diane used to date a man for almost three years and loved him very much. Then he told her that he fell in love with another woman and left. Also, Diane’s mom left the family when Diane was 6. Then her dad passed away a year later and Diane started living with her aunt. It has been four years after her break up, but Diane is still single. She says that she will not survive if someone abandons her like an unwanted dog. And in general, she is doing fine by herself! She can do whatever she wants!
Yes, everyone has life moments and periods when they may not want a relationship for various reasons. But if you don’t want relationships AT ALL, it makes sense to test yourself using the above markers – are some of them about you?
But in general, we all make our own choices. If yours is to be single, who has the right to tell you that this is not normal?
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