How do you know what are adequate requests, and what are unrealistic expectations? Let’s analyze it with simple examples.
✘ Unrealistic demand: I want a perfect relationship!
✓ Adequate request: I want a living relationship and a mutual willingness to deal with both the good and the bad.
✘ Unrealistic demand: I want a completely safe relationship.
✓ Adequate request: I understand that relationships are always a risk, so I want to learn how to deal with issues that may come along the way.
✘ Unrealistic demand: I want to meet a person who is perfect for me.
✓ Adequate request: I want to learn to see different things in people, to get closer, to get to know them, to be more flexible in my requirements.
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✘ Unrealistic demand: I want a relationship with guarantees.
✓ Adequate request: I want to accept the fact that there are no guarantees for anything in this life.
✘ Unrealistic demand: I don’t want to need anyone.
✓ Adequate request: I want to be able to manage my need for intimacy, not to deny myself the joy of relationship, but also not to lose myself in another person.
The unrealistic demands that we have mentioned often indicate the avoidant attachment style because they allow you to run away from relationships for as long as you want without admitting it.
If you recognize yourself in the given examples of unrealistic demands, then it’s a good reason to analyze your attachment style.
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