Stay over there, no come over here!

Today we’re going to introduce you to an excerpt from the “Counterdependency” course. 

Counterdependence is a particular relationship-building scheme.

It manifests itself as a person’s avoidance of “connecting” with another in some intimate situations. For each person, the types of situations are individual. One runs away when faced with the idea of living together, another runs away whenever plans for the weekend are brought up. 

Counterdependence is often compared to co-dependency or seen in one context as a counterbalance to another. But co-dependency is not the opposite of counterdependence; that is fundamentally wrong.

Counterdependence and co-dependency can exist together (which, by the way, happens very often).

Co-dependence and counterdependence share the same foundation – a painful experience that makes people fear facing the pain of abandonment and rejection. They can, however, be rescued from these hypothetical dangers in different ways.

Co-dependent people often have experience of the painful merge that they need, or ideas on how they would like to merge into one. And they begin to diligently restructure the relationship and their partner to fit this scenario, which is the central thought that fuels the idea of “if I’m not with you, there’s no me.”

Counterdependents, on the other hand, avoid different forms of connection and intimacy in order to protect themselves from the psychological danger that they know so well from past experience.

They control levels of freedom in aspects that are important to them, even going as far as to fight for that freedom. If they stumble upon something that threatens their freedom, they are met with the “cornered animal” sensation, the feeling of inevitability and of an unbearable situation.

Therefore they have the desire to get out of it as fast as possible, to carve it out of their lives, to stop it all or even to escape. Counterdependent people also have a specific scheme they use to build relationships.

Man is always unevenly developed – like a cake with edges of different lengths or heights. Some parts are more adequate, mature and healthy; others may consist of dependency and co-dependency related strategies. Some parts may want to engage in relationships very much, while others may want to avoid them.

One of the most vivid metaphors we found about counterdependence is the “prison” of intimacy. Let’s see how it all looks in action.

When a relationship begins everything is fine and calm for a while. But the moment one of the partners face a “dangerous level of intimacy”, the counterdependence games begin.

The counterdependent demonstrates ambiguity in their behavior. They can express their desires, and at one point avoid these same desires themselves: stand over there – come over here; go away – be close at the same time. Their partner is often surprised and confused, and does not understand what is wanted of them. Attempts to clarify both their behavior and their motives often go nowhere.

The counterdependent themself may not be aware of their “double messages”, and rarely understands that something is wrong with them. As a result, the second party to the relationship is left alone to deal with the issue as the counterdependent not only avoids participation, but also distances themself and is blind to the problem. Like, what are you making up, anyway?

In these alienating moments, the counterdependent becomes very busy. They start occupying themself with anything possible; they have no time. This can make their partner angry, because it seems that the person the partner loves is being avoidant, and to add to it all: is also messing around.

For example, it can be important for a counterdependent to think about what they will wear to work the next day, and will carefully prepare for an ordinary day, with no special reason as to why. “That is exactly why I can’t hug loved ones, spend an evening together, or have sex – I’m very busy.” This is what avoidance in dangerous moments can look like. 

This is another example which reflects the recurring games that stem from counterdependence.

A counterdependent shows their feelings, saying that they would like to meet up, that they miss you. The partner responds to this, and prepares for the meet-up. The counterdependent then suddenly feels a sense of imminent danger and chooses other business instead of the meet-up. And this “other business” isn’t usually urgent or very important. The partner is at a loss. It seems to them that a date was arranged, but at some point everything just got canceled for some unknown reason. When presented with adequate questions such as “what’s going on?” the counterdependent will say that their personal business is super important (and in fact, this “business” can even sometimes be something the person doesn’t usually do at all) and cannot be postponed (with them believing it). 

Usually the counterdependent doesn’t realize this moment of avoidance. If the partner gets very upset or angry about the failed meet-up, the counterdependent person will react to this behavior with heightened pressure. And the pressure will give them an excuse to distance themself even further. The partner will be left alone with their emotions without support and understanding; the counter-dependent will keep a distance until things calm down. This cycle can happen regularly, repeating itself every week and every month.

The main question that torments everybody – both the counterdependent person and their partner – is: why is all this happening?

Look. At some point (individual for everyone), the counterdependent person begins to feel threatened and in addition, feels an overwhelming desire to separate, to break off contact, or at least significantly reduce  intensity.

These stories can be either one-off, for example, if something happens in the relationship (a conversation, a suggestion, or too good of a time spent), or they can be recurring, such as if time after time in the relationship, the counterdependent crosses a threshold that is terrible for even himself. After these “cases”, there’s a sudden drop in communication.

Counterdependence has a certain cyclical pattern. Many of you know it as the similar, popular “game” called hot and cold. It is at times mistakenly taken for some tricky strategy game (and there is a strategy, used by guys or girls who pick up others, trying to tie a person to them in a strange way), but it was built on the basis of behavior in dependent relationships. In our own situation, “come over here, stand over there,” is natural and is an uncontrollable manifestation of counterdependence. 

The cycle of counterdependent behavior is as follows:

• Got closer –felt danger; got further away – felt boredom; felt safety – got closer again.

• In addition to the initial reasons that we will talk about tomorrow, this cycle is actively and effectively supported by public values, especially those that have been popularized recently. 

For example, ideas about self-sufficiency and independence are being actively promoted. There is nothing wrong with self-sufficiency and independence itself; these are wonderful qualities in moderation, but ideas and scenarios are presented in a distorted way: forget about your partner’s opinion and do whatever you want, take all the family money and spend it on yourself – this is what a real woman does, a self-sufficient person should not feel anchored by anyone, and if you want happiness in love, always be slippery and inaccessible. As you can imagine, only those who aren’t dumb enough to slip away or, on the contrary, be biased towards endless pursuits, could be in a relationship with someone like this. 

TASK

Let’s analyze the beginning of your relationship.

Do you find the connection attractive or intimidating? How does the word “relationship” make you feel at all? How does your body respond to the word “relationship? Say it – what do you feel? Something warm and pleasant or prickly and frightening? Try to listen to your feelings as carefully as possible.

What are your thoughts on “being in a relationship”? Does it mean safety or anxiety for you?

And what of your partners? Are they seeking to connect, or are they actively avoiding it? What do you think? Yes, you may not know for sure, but you can definitely make your own guesses and have your own your impressions.

Why are we doing this assignment?

By doing this, you will be able to understand that the idea of having a relationship (or more so: RELATIONS) that may exist separately from your specific partner and will affect quality of communication.

For example, the very idea of a relationship feels almost like happiness. In this case, the partner may as well not be too important. It doesn’t matter who he is or what he is. The main thing is the relationship, and vice versa, too. The very idea of a relationship can seem terrible. And in the beginning, the partner may be the most beautiful, but we’ll soon drive them crazy and ruin their life, because this creep dragged us into this horrible place – relationship.

If you have the strength, you can proceed on to the second step of that same analysis right now.

What do you think of the thought of a “relationship with…” (Insert partner’s name)? New, different types of thought may arise, and they will already be more about a specific person.

You can continue to work on your counterdependent tendency on the “Elusive” course. It’s also suitable for those of you who are in a relationship with a counterdependent partner and who want to establish and maintain this relationship. 

The “program” is waiting for you in the Courses section.