“Spanish shame”

Have you ever noticed this phenomenon: you did not do anything bad, but you feel very ashamed for a friend who got drunk at the party and started dancing topless, or for a colleague who was rude with a client, or, perhaps, for a stranger who works in the same field as you do and who shows complete incompetence. In other words, someone else is doing wrong things, but it is you who wants to crawl under the table from shame.

This phenomenon is called “Spanish shame” since it was initially researched by psychotherapists from Spain.

Empathic embarrassment – another name for shame for others – can arise for a variety of reasons. Here are the most common ones:

• High sensitivity and developed empathy

Empathic people tend to experience the other person’s feelings as their own. It is not surprising that when they observe an awkward situation, they feel themselves inside it and feel ashamed “instead of” someone or “together” with someone.

• Heightened sense of “appropriateness” and super responsibility

If a person has super-high moral standards, does not forgive themselves for mistakes, and does not allow themselves to “let the hair down”, then they will evaluate the actions of others much more strictly. These qualities provoke a feeling of shame for others, even in cases where it is not very clear to these others what, in fact, they should be ashamed of.

Valentino does not allow himself to come to work in a suit or shoes that are not perfectly clean. And when he sees a colleague in a wrinkled T-shirt, he feels incomprehensible shame for him. People are watching – how can he wear that?

• Tendency to control other people

We are not able to regulate the behavior of other people – it is beyond our control. However, sometimes it is difficult to accept this fact. And then the actions of others are perceived as your own flaws and oversights, which, of course, you are ashamed of.

• Not accepting yourself, the fear of being in a ridiculous position

In this case, the mistakes of others are perceived as too painful because it is so easy to imagine yourself in their place.

Annie is embarrassed when her husband tells filthy jokes or makes speech mistakes. It seems to her that she also becomes some kind of illiterate and even “narrow-minded” person because of this …

• Fear of rejection

We, humans, are social beings. And on a subconscious level, we are afraid of being rejected by society, “thrown out of the pack”. So, the mistakes of our relatives can be taken to heart, because they “represent” us.

• High social anxiety and low self-esteem.

If a person values ​​themselves low and constantly worries about what others will think of them, they will see signals as if something is wrong, even when it is not the case at all. Such people may feel shame almost everywhere and always.

It always seems to Faye that those around her are behaving too carelessly and frivolously. She experiences chronic tension, trying to prevent things from going badly in every situation, or at least to smooth it out. A colleague’s “hello” to the boss was not friendly enough (as it seems to Faye) – Faye smiles at the boss extra warmly to compensate. Her teenage daughter rescheduled her Italian class – Faye calls the teacher to apologize one more time…

• Belonging to a particular group (national, professional, gender, etc.)

You hear how a representative of your profession speaks absolute nonsense – you feel shame: I am also a doctor (psychologist, teacher, engineer). Or, on TikTok, you come across a video about a blonde who could not find a gas tank in her car – your ears turn red. What if they think about me that I am the same!

What to do if the feeling of shame for others lives in you almost constantly, and you want to get rid of it?

1. Analyze the causes of its occurrence: in what situations are you ashamed, what triggers this feeling?

2. Remind yourself that you are an individual and cannot be responsible for the actions of other people, even those closest to you.

3. Learn to focus on yourself, and not on the other person at the moment of rolling shame – to shift the focus to your own feelings and emotions. To do this, it is useful to “ground” yourself – to feel the ground under your feet, to return yourself to the present moment.

4. Work on your self-image – do you have any “weak” places there? Such as self-esteem, anxiety, high control, perfectionism, etc.

5. Come up with a phrase-formula that will help you “come back to yourself”: “I am me. They are them.”

6. Experience the feeling of shame without running away from it. It won’t take more than a minute. Name the feeling that “swamped” you. Exhale. Let it go.

Slowly, the feeling of shame will become weaker and start “visiting” you much less often.