Counter-dependent people are afraid to get close with others. They perceive love and intimacy not as a joy, but as a danger, an unbearable burden, a heavy thing that is about to fall on an unhealed bruise and cause them pain. Consequently, such people choose the avoidance tactics. Here’s how it can manifest itself:
Challenging behavior
You behave aggressively or inconsistently, showing off the “dark sides” of your personality. Why? To test if your partner is TRULY ready to be with you. Fear of intimacy (and it’s what triggers avoidance) tells you that when the significant other sees your vulnerability, they may leave you, so it’s better to test the seriousness of their feelings with the most repelling behaviors.
Doubts
On the one hand, you find the person interesting, you have a great time together, they attract you and make you want something more. On the other hand, as soon as you get a little closer, you feel uncomfortable, stifled, cramped, you want to withdraw, distance yourself, run away. That’s when you start hesitating: are they the right person? If you get these feelings, maybe you shouldn’t go any further?
It’s important to monitor when these doubts occur. If you notice that there is a cycle of “I felt good – I started doubting”, then it’s most likely related to avoidance.
Mistrust
You scrutinize your own and other people’s words, you can’t relax and open up when interacting with others, you double-check everything, and any tiniest discrepancy or inconsistency brings you a surge of negative emotions and makes you think “I see, I can’t trust them!”
In relation to this, you also need to consider the context. If your mistrust is constantly ringing in your ears, if it has nothing to do with facts and reality, if it sounds like “I don’t trust them because I can’t trust anyone” or “I don’t trust them because it’s too good to be true”, then it’s most likely avoidance.
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Finding faults
As soon as you find the person interesting, you start looking for flaws and trying to find a catch. And if you can’t find any flaws, you start making them up. They can’t make a mistake around you: the slightest blunder causes a burst of anger, rejection, and a weird relief. If you look closely, you will notice that when the significant other messes up, somewhere deep down you feel happy, because it gives you an excuse to distance yourself.
Escape
You prefer to break off the relationship instead of finding a solution. The first thing you think when faced with a conflict is: “I need to finish this!” Since you don’t have the skill to solve problems, to get over contradictions, to choose the right responses (you give in to your emotions and react to them), it’s easier for you to end a relationship than to stay and solve the problem. It brings a momentary relief, but then you feel sad, lonely and guilty, and start reproaching yourself.
Can you do something about this counter-dependent tendency? Sure you can. And the experience of millions of people around the world proves it.
You will benefit from regular therapy with a good psychologist, or if it’s not available, you can join our program The Elusive. You can find it in the Courses section.
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