Myths, Disinformation (and Truths) about Sex Addiction

A lot of myths and disinformation surround the concept of sexual addiction. The main idea boils down to the belief that this is almost a mystical dependency that entangles a person and does not allow them to break off a relationship that has not brought joy for a long time – only a short-term relief from sexual contact followed again by a painful uncontrolled desire…

This does not sound very good, does it? Fortunately, this is not true.

There are various types of addiction in the area of ​​sexuality: addiction to masturbation, pornography, and different dependencies on how to reach sexual satisfaction.

Sexual Addiction, which is directly related to another person, also comes in different formats:

– being in love with a person – and then sex is an opportunity to be close to them, to be together (especially if there is a counter-dependence);

– a complex pattern of sexual satisfaction. Something special is needed, there is a dependence on a specific type of stimulation – and this person either has such skills, or you have already passed the difficult stage of adjustment to each other. For example, a person prefers BDSM or threesome sex. Not every partner is open to that, and it is scary to lose the one with whom everything is already working out.

So, you think you have a sexual addiction. What can you do about it?

1. It is important to analyze what exactly is happening, in which zone the main difficulty is hiding. Are you in love with a specific person? Do you need only them? Or do you need a specific type of sexual satisfaction, and you don’t want to lose it so much that it feels like an addiction?

Why did we start with this? It is important to break the charm and flair of magic – and this is possible only through rationalization. When we see those very specific elements that are hidden behind the “addiction”, it will be possible to cope with it.

2. Sometimes sex addiction hides the needs that, in reality, are not at all sexual…

Here is the list of needs that may “impersonate” sexual needs:

○ The need for security. If you feel psychologically safe with this person – they are stable as a rock, you feel calm and good being with them – then sex with them is special. You can relax, not play any role, not be afraid that you will do something wrong, etc. Security is a powerful foundation for everything.

○ The need for protection from a strong and stable parent figure. It’s about the other person’s ability to take care of you and stay grounded when you are unbalanced.

○ The need for sharing experience. Perhaps you both went through something difficult (addiction, parental abuse, traumatic past). Then the feeling of “being understood” becomes an important factor.

○ The need for love and acceptance. It is when a person makes you feel completely loved. When someone accepts you with all your flaws, traits, and quirks – there is tremendous value in it.

If we understand the basic need that hides behind the sexual one, then we will automatically come out of the captivity of uncontrollable attraction to the only person who can satisfy it, because it becomes clear what exactly the essence of the need is.

3. The factor of the atmosphere.

For some people, sex is so good not because of WHAT happens in it, but because of where or what it is accompanied by.

Sergio describes his sex with Jillian as the best. It never happens in the bedroom: they did it in a fitting room, in a park, on a subway, and even on a Ferris wheel. Until he met Jillian, Sergio was quite conservative. And now, being with such a free-spirited girlfriend, he feels great: “With her, I become different – I feel like I am so cool!”

Here, two factors were important – the atmosphere and the great feeling about himself Sergio experiences while being with Jillian. It is easy to see why he is so attached to her.

Another contributing factor to the atmosphere is what sex is being accompanied by.

Miriam and Oscar have the most passionate sex after big fights. This is what makes them especially hot for each other.

In other words, sometimes the key factor is not the person, but the “environment” where the sex happens.

Any addiction consists of multiple elements. Let’s take, for example, smoking. One contributing factor is the addictive properties of nicotine, and the other – the act itself that people associate with relaxation and calming down. Therefore, if you want to quit smoking, you should address both components, trying to replace them with something else.

When we make the pattern weaker, the zone of dependency gets smaller and smaller. And you acquire the ability to manage and change it.

And this is exactly what you need to do to cope with sexual addiction, right?