My loved one has an addiction. What to tell them?

A step-by-step guide for those who want to try to help. Part IV

You are almost ready for this important conversation. You have an idea of ​​what you may face. You know about the protective mechanisms of the psyche and what to do to avoid falling into the usual scenario. You have analyzed possible secondary benefits and entitlement attitudes. You have sorted out your resistance – and now you can start a dialogue.

First, let’s discuss “safety techniques”.

1. It is necessary to prepare the space in which the dialogue will take place. It is important not to be disturbed by random people or your children, who do not need to hear this conversation at all. Make sure to choose a convenient time and place.
2. Your dependent loved one must be sober (not in the state of gambling excitement, etc.) This is extremely important. It is useless to conduct any kind of conversation with a person who is drunk or under the influence of any substances. Or – if they are a workaholic – are approaching a project deadline.
3. The conversation should not take place during an acute conflict. If an incident has just happened again, now is definitely not the right time to start a conversation.
4. Take care of stabilizing your emotional state. If you are nervous, upset, or angry, postpone this conversation.
5. An addicted person can show aggression. Their personality is deformed due to addiction, and the person gets angry in response to the “invasion” of their space. It is important to reserve the ability to call for help (or call the police) if you feel threatened.

At the beginning of the dialogue, it is worth doing everything to show the addicted person a real picture of what is happening.

What might work here:

● “Look how it used to be”

Here it would be good to turn to the past, which has not yet been touched by addiction – it should be something positive, cool. Anything inspiring will do – old photographs, rewards, letters, stories. It is important to touch emotional memory, wake it up, and give a reference to past successes.

And then to show what is now, in the present – those changes for the worse that have taken place.

Show the evidence of how things used to be. And now – there is nothing left…

“Look – you and I are together on these old photos, either at a concert or on a hike, and now there is not a single photograph in which we are together… Over the past six months, we went out only to two events, one of which is a funeral “.

● The evidence of change.

Provide your loved one with evidence of negative dynamics. It will be good if the dynamics can be quantified:

“You used to earn this much – and now this much”, “Before, you saw your friends once a month. You used to go skiing, go to concerts – and now 6 months have passed since the last time you saw them”, “I used to have a fur coat, but we have sold it to cover your gambling debts. And we never bought a new one, although we were going to… “

The main thing is not to start accusations. This is a direct road to the usual ineffective track – you definitely do not need to go there. To do this, you need to control what and how you say: if emotions start to overwhelm, return to the facts.

Then you can move on to motivating phrases.

Do not use generic phrases – but target them, so to speak. The tone should be businesslike, motivating – not begging, not accusing, not aggressive.

• Use authoritative examples. You can cite the example of acquaintances or well-known (public) people who coped with similar life difficulties. Prepare in advance.
• Focus on inspiration, show your faith in your loved one: “<Such and such> could quit, and you can too!”, “You have a powerful support system – it’s me, your mother, your friend Chris – we’re all here for you!”
• Build on their achievements: “Do you remember running a marathon in 2015? Do you remember how you prepared? How hard you tried – and you did it! Now you can do it too! “
• Remind them what (and who) they can rely on to get out of this rut.

“You have us – your family, you have a goal in life, it is still achievable! You have … YOU! You are not your addiction; you are more than this! ” It is important to reach out and to make it clear that behind all these addictive behaviors there is YOUR LOVED ONE and you see THEM despite all these difficulties.

Invite them to a common space for solving this problem – your common problem.

It’s very important to talk about resources.

“Let’s think about where we can get help”.

There are social resources: help centers, social services, and support groups – anyone who helps dependent people.

Friends, coworkers, hobbies: “Your boss has always supported you”, “Your friends are always on your side”, “Work is important for you – it is also your resource”, “Let’s go to that dog shelter more often – it will be a distraction, and we will help the dogs “.

Internal resources: here you can focus on the qualities of your loved one, their achievement. Remind them of what they can do if they quit (get a promotion, resume their hobby or sports), etc.

Discuss the path to recovery.

Think together about how you will cope with the difficulties.

There will definitely be craving for what he/she is trying to give up. And here, too, you need to talk about support and what to do in this case:

• “You will be drawn to drink/smoke/gamble, etc. Let’s find a person with whom you can talk in this case – to whom you can turn to if needed.”
• Develop together a plan with at least five options for “what to do if …”. Don’t look too far, let it be a blueprint for the next couple of steps. For example: “If motivation weakens, then you can: a) call your friend Kyle; b) go to a meeting with a psychologist; c) … d) … e) …”

You are making a plan together – you are already a team.

It is important not to drag out the conversation for too long. The best option is no more than half an hour. After that, attention and concentration are lost and there is a high risk of falling into a fruitless discussion – going round in circles.

Having completed this part, proceed to indicate your position – in case everything remains as it is.

Formulate a phrase that is as specific and understandable as possible and reflects your unwillingness to continue living as before. This should not be an ultimatum in form, although, in fact, it is. For instance:

“Things have to change – this is a condition for us being together as a couple. For me, changes are important. I can no longer live like that. I need to see that you are also interested in this and are trying. “

In especially difficult cases, when you do not expect to cope with the conversation alone, you can conduct an “intervention.”

What is an intervention?

The conversation, in this case, does not take place tête-à-tête, but in the presence of others close to the addict. You need to assemble a team of friends and family members of the addicted person. 3-5 people who are on your side – your positions should be similar. Set a time frame (about 30 minutes).

It would be nice to organize everything so that it would be unexpected for the addict. They should be confronted when they do not expect this and are not ready to defend themselves.

Friends/family take turns talking about what worries them: “I am afraid of what is happening to you”, “I feel bad that …”, “I see that you …”

This does not allow the addict to remain in the “comfort zone”- it becomes more difficult for them to deny the obvious.

They must see sincere concern and hear what is being said.

Then you can list the points that we proposed in the first version of the conversation (resources, path, support).

Well… You have all the information and advice you need. But please remember that your efforts are only 50 percent. The other 50 percent must be invested by your loved one. And it may happen that neither the right wording nor the correct scripts will help. You must accept it.

But for now, we hope that in your case the plan will work and that you and your loved one will have a chance to deal with the problem.