You got disappointed in people. What to do about it?

Disappointment is a negative emotional state that has several components. Among them are frustration, regret that something did not come true, resentment, and bitterness about ruined hopes and unmet expectations…

Many people are feeling like this right now. If you are one of them, let’s take a closer look at this unwelcome feeling. We will try to understand what to do about it.

Different people may experience disappointment for different reasons. Very often, it is some combination of the several causes we listed below.

1. Failed expectations.

If you are disappointed, most likely you were hoping to get something and did not receive it. But ask yourself – where did these expectations come from? Was someone required to meet them? Why?

People are different. Each person has their own life experiences and ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Their values ​​ may not coincide with yours. They may have their own worldview and their own opinions about the events that take place.

Perhaps, some situations seem very obvious to you. In other words, you think that they must be interpreted only as you see them – no other interpretation is possible. But other people may think the same way about their point of view and their arguments, which are very different from yours. Expecting that other people will behave according to your ideas about how things should be is rather pointless.

2. Dichotomous thinking.

This is when everything is perceived as extremes: black or white, good or bad. But are there many situations that can be defined so clearly? We do not think so. Between black and white there are a lot of halftones and shades, between good and bad – also. Thinking that something must be either good or bad is somewhat childish.

3. Invalid perception of the world.

Perhaps, you have an idea that the world should be just. Why should it? Who promised it to be so? Terrible injustices happen in this world. To deny this means to get hurt again and again by the surrounding reality.

4. You equate people with their actions.

A person is angry – does this mean that they are an ill-tempered person? A student gets an F in a class – does this mean that he is a loser? You don’t like your aunt’s cat – does this mean that you do not like animals?

5. Generalizations.

“All people – <insert your belief>”, “All representatives of some nationality, profession, age, or gender – <insert your stereotype>”.

All people are different. If you tend to generalize, disappointment is inevitable.

So how to deal with this corrosive feeling?

In psychotherapy, it is important to learn to move the focus from other people to yourself. This is a very important skill that allows you to learn not to shift responsibility for yourself and your condition onto other people.

The same applies to disappointment.

○ Try to reframe your frustration by focusing on yourself. Do not think about people, but rather think about what attitudes you have regarding other people and the world as a whole.

○ Separate people’s actions from them – don’t generalize. Observe yourself and note how often you use the words: “everything”, “no one”, “never”, and “always”.

○ Take off your rose-colored glasses. Being an idealist leads to sorrow. Yes, the world is unfair. Different things are going on in it – both good and bad. And if you know this, you will not get frustrated every time things don’t go the way they “should”. Being sad is one thing – being disappointed is another.

○ Accept that people are different and experience stressful situations differently. If a person does not behave the way you expect, it only means that they do not behave the way you expect. Based on what you see, you can decide if you want to maintain a relationship with this person. It is your choice. But other people do not owe you anything, just like you do not owe anything to them.

○ Don’t dwell on what happened. Whatever happened – it is not the end of the world. You need to see it as an experience that teaches you something new.

Don’t let negative beliefs poison your life. Accepting life as it is is a trait of a mature person. Do not idealize and do not disparage. Reality is multifaceted and is not black and white. It has always been and always will be like that.