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<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\nAfter we\u2019ve considered gaslighting <\/strong>as a phenomenon and learned to identify its signs, it\u2019s time to learn how to counter it, because our main task is to maintain (or regain) our autonomy, independence, our right to feelings, and make the space in which we are psychologically safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, how can you resist gaslighting, oppose it? It\u2019s better to do that in stages, affirming your position each time. It\u2019s like the birth of a child – it doesn\u2019t happen as a result of merely wanting it and him just showing up right after – time and certain stages from conception to gestation must pass. Here, it\u2019s the same: you felt that something was wrong, or even already understood that for sure – otherwise, you wouldn\u2019t be reading this article. Now, we paint the next path.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once again, we\u2019ll remind you of the most important thing: if there\u2019s physical violence – they beat, push, kick you – there are no other ways than to “leave”<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s impossible to build any strategies at the risk of getting punched. This is very real. The whole future path is only for those options when there\u2019s only gaslighting and nothing more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Well, the \u201cphysically\u201d bit is clear – leave, give yourself time to recover without an intrusive invasion of your space, because it will be spelled out to you again and again what nonsense you\u2019re doing. However, if this is impossible, you can try to at least separate yourself \u201cmentally\u201d. This can be done if you \u201cdiscover\u201d these two realities (the real one and the one that is created specifically for you). How to do this: you see one thing, and they say something else to you. Stop before experiencing the usual guilt, getting upset and \/ or apologizing. Try to find the FACTS in each of these realities, you can do that in writing by literally lining the sheet of paper into two columns. What is in favor of his \/ her version? And what is in favor of your senses and sensations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n This will help separate from the aggressor at the mental level, and this is a very important stage, because it\u2019s our thoughts that trigger our emotions and behavioral patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How the statement looks to a gaslighter: human actions = characteristics of the person himself. For example, you\u2019re doing something wrong = you\u2019re bad, you\u2019ve something stupid = you\u2019re stupid. Not only is the \u201cwrongness\u201d or inadequacy of your actions in principle in question, doing something wrong and being \u201cwrong\u201d are completely different aspects, and are not at all equal. That is why it\u2019s so important to separate the aggressor\u2019s assessment from the actual fact in his message.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Enlisting support is very important. If relatives and friends urge you to \u201ctake a look in the mirror,\u201d and your mother says that \u201cif he hits you it means he loves you\u201d or \u201cyou need to obey, love and respect the husband you have, lay at his feet so that he doesn\u2019t leave you.\u201d If we add various media personalities confidently broadcasting from the screens that bruises and black eyes can be \u201cdeserved\u201d, then it becomes especially difficult to believe otherwise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The aggressors try to take up as much space as possible, time; to limit the areas in which the victim would be able to feel self-sufficient and, God forbid, independent, and also to prevent anyone else from influencing her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s why it\u2019s worth exploring the zones of influence according to the principle: a) whether this is true; b) whether it\u2019s possible to win back part of the influence; c) how to compensate for this influence; d) find the areas the gaslighter won\u2019t be able to access.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019ve learned to do that at the mental level in sections one and two, and the next step is to separate yourself emotionally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here, we should remember the famous Stockholm syndrome. Generally, it\u2019s an alternative name for the psychological defense of \u201cidentifying with the aggressor<\/strong>\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is how it happens: in order to manage the huge stress, the fear, the disdain, the frustration, the victim begins to penetrate the aggressor with understanding, sympathy, down to a complete emotional merger with him. Because of this, the victim begins to feel pity for him, to justify and even blame herself, others, and to think that others are guilty of the fact that the aggressor became who he is. Stockholm syndrome affects not only hostages, but also victims of domestic violence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stockholm syndrome isn\u2019t a psychological disorder, but a defensive reaction. To separate yourself emotionally, you have to:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n If the case is \u201cneglected\u201d, this stage is difficult to get through without the help of a specialist, since our defensive reactions are quite inventive and it\u2019s not easy to \u201cget around\u201d this system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This subject is too broad to be described in a single paragraph of the article. We recommend taking our \u201cSelf-esteem\u201d course in order to build relationships with ourselves and the rest of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Don\u2019t let yourself be \u201cgaslit\u201d methodically, step-by-step. After all, wouldn\u2019t you protect a loved one if they were subjected to something like this? And you have to find a way to care about yourself the same way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Consider all the restraining factors – what are you afraid of, what\u2019s frightening to lose, what are the fears in general. And be sure to examine them “under the microscope” – is it really that scary? Are there really no other options? What are the alternatives?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mary is afraid that if she leaves her Alex, no one will ever love her. Alex has done a great job, inspiring her thoughts like \u201cWho\u2019d want you except me,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m your only chance to have a baby\u201d and \u201conly I can make you happy.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Serge is afraid to quit, even though his gaslighting boss has turned him into a \u201cwhipping boy\u201d, and a seriously cool specialist has nearly lost all the confidence in himself and believes that he\u2019d never find a job like that again.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Victoria is afraid that if she moves away from her mother, who guilt-trips her into living in her parents’ apartment (\u201cI\u2019ll die without you, who\u2019s gonna give me a pill or call an ambulance\u201d), she\u2019ll become a bad daughter. But she doesn\u2019t notice that her mother is living her and Victoria\u2019s lives just fine, without letting her 34-year-old daughter date men, meet up with friends, and in general <\/em>have <\/em>nothing of <\/em>her own but her duty to take care of her mother<\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It makes sense to consider the so-called \u201csecondary benefits<\/strong>\u201d that keep you in this relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Karina, for example, is afraid to start searching for work and generally for herself. By staying with her husband, who fully provides for her, but doesn\u2019t hesitate to be a proper tyrant, she doesn\u2019t have to go through the stages of independence that frighten her.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s the way the \u201ccookie\u201d crumbles, guys. Like that song goes: \u201cthink for yourself, decide for yourself\u201d, there are alternatives, you just need to look for them. Will it be easy? No. But is everything really great now?<\/p>\n\n\n Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement. You are not sure where to begin?<\/p>\n
Browse through our courses<\/u><\/a> and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.<\/p>\n