It often happens that the aggressors are former victims themselves, and once in their early childhood they faced family violence, coercion, being forced to live in constant fear and anxiety, and under control. The future tyrant was a child who was afraid that he would lose the relationship that mattered to him, he would be abandoned, he would be left alone, or he couldn’t build relationships with other people, thus being all alone.
Unbearable experiences for little people. They had no chance to leave dangerous relationships. In fact, they had to learn to survive or to become the victim (it’s all because of me, I’ll try and do better, and will be able to change the situation) or the aggressor (“they” are guilty and I will punish them for this).
As you can see, both victims and aggressors can grow out of approximately the same emotionally dysfunctional living conditions. Both of them choose different, but equally maladaptive ways of their development.
The feelings of pain, powerlessness, rage, resentment, and endless loneliness in the future abuser “split” their personality. They always have an internal defense and alertness: Are they going to leave me? Will they offend? Will they do something dangerous for me? I’d rather do it myself proactively: control, hurt, restrict, and punish the other. Just in case… because it’s safer.
Despite this, no one gives any former victim the right to be the aggressor in the following relationships. No experienced pain can become a reason for violence. It is an axiom that one wants to insert in the “factory settings” so that after any “updates”, this understanding of each person remains intact.
Aggressors often have extremely low emotional intelligence, which is a pronounced feature of many domineering people. They can be smart, very logical, but completely don’t understand their own and other people’s emotions. For them, emotions are a kind of inarticulate addition to rational life, and they are habitually detached. They use the “What I don’t understand doesn’t exist” rule. The partner’s emotions become a burden and a made-up delusion.
Sergey is from the world of strict and rational people. In his world, there is no place for any “stupid” emotions. He can tell his wife that she is fat as a cow in these jeans. He can react to her tears with the usual irritation: “Is your tap leaking again?” Sergey doesn’t feel that any expressions can be inappropriate. He doesn’t understand why he can’t say what he thinks. When his ten-year-old son comes from a school in tears and admits that he was bullied by his classmates, Sergey disdainfully says that he was a whining boy and could not stand for himself. Sergey only knows how to allocate tasks, set priorities, to chastise, and to punish. The fact that he shows a callousness and emotional cruelty to his relatives can’t appear in his mind. Everything would be more effective “without these snot”.
In fact, many aggressors may act in such a way as a result of a unique combination of their features. It turns out that the way their tyranny depends on who they are.
There are personality traits when a person tries to put himself above others in communication. It turns out that all other people are guilty of their problems and troubles. At the same time, they know how to do everything. Only their opinion matters. As a result, they will suppress the partner in a couple because it’s normal.
Donald endlessly criticizes and tries to change his wife, Jenny. “Don’t iron my pants like that. Can’t you see that the lines aren’t perfect? Do you want me to be pointed at work?”, “Oh, well, you were appointed deputy head of the department, you know that they are just looking for someone to throw all the routine, and not the smartest and most worthy”, “All our problems are because of you! I have to put up with a lot of things about you, but you don’t look after yourself at all! Our relationship is going to fall apart because you do not want to change!”, “I told you, be more feminine… you are like a man in a skirt walking around. And wear your hair loose! I’ve told you a hundred times that you look like an old granny! Do something not to make me ashamed of you in the public!” Donald often reminded his Wife that after marrying him, she took on certain obligations… sometimes he showed that she was almost worthy of his love, she needed to try a little more to become worthy of his love and admiration. And if Jenny timidly objected to her beautiful Donald, he immediately became furious: “I’m trying for you, and you’re not happy?!” And then the phone was flying into the wall (Jenny’s phone), a plate was smashed (thank you for not hitting it in the head) and insults were shouted.
No matter how hard Jenny tried to “pump and upgrade” herself, Donald was rarely satisfied. And it’s not surprising, because it was also impossible to find the right amount of femininity; otherwise, there were accusations of “accessibility” and easy behavior. Donald always made it clear that Jenny was not worthy of him. He told her that he’s so kind as to give her another chance to change.
Such a person will endlessly devalue the merits and achievements, and the partner’s self-esteem will crumble under such pressure inevitably. At the same time, the partner will be responsible for the entire partnership and the narcissistic happiness of the beloved one.
If the aggressor is a personality type with a poor and underdeveloped sphere of emotions, as well as coldness and detachment, the tyranny will be of a different nature. You will not hear screams and yells, as, for example, from the previous person. At the same time, quiet tyranny is no less traumatic.
Oksana was just like that. One never heard from her loud swearing or something like that, but in the case of her dissatisfaction with her husband, she always used her categorical, sudden insulting harshness, chilling coldness, cynicism, and hostile refusal of all contacts. Oksana could be silent for days and weeks, and refuse to have sex for months until her husband thought to do “according to her”.
A sensitive person can also be an aggressor. In this case, you will see a dramatizing tyrant.
When Natalia told Elliot that she was very sorry and wanted to leave him… he suddenly began to cry, grabbing her hands and begging her not to leave, because he loves her. He told her that there’s nothing in his life except her. Frightened Natalia tried to calm him down, but nothing worked, Elliot demanded assurances that she would not leave. Natalia stayed, but in case of any quarrel, Elliot accuses her of “what she brought him to”. He says that it’s because of her. She’s guilty of his depression, illnesses, and all other things.
When aggression is embedded in the very pattern of relationships, they follow a certain closed pattern.
1. Tension.
It always starts with increasing tension. The aggressor becomes irritable, critical as if looking for an excuse for a scandal to break out. Depending on the personality type, he can ignore the partner, “catch” him with painful remarks, take offense, accuse of something.
This stage of planning can be both conscious of the abuser, and unconscious when a person reproduces a certain scenario learned a long time ago.
2. The violent incident.
Tension cannot accumulate forever and, sooner or later, there is an aggressive outburst. The abuser can no longer restrain him and opens the world of aggression. The exact shape of it depends on many factors. Someone initiates a scandal with humiliations and devaluations of the partner, and someone is no longer limited to this… thus physical violence occurs: the victim can be dragged by the hair, slapped, raped, kicked, and so on. At the same time, it’s always implied or said aloud that the victim is to blame for all this. The victim can’t observe the rules and always provokes such a good person for harsh measures. All this is accompanied by rage, accusations, threats, and intimidation.
3. Reconciliation.
At this stage, the abuser asks for forgiveness, explains the reason for the cruelty, which is often hidden somewhere else. It turns out that he was forced to act like that (I was stressed, I was worried, I had issues at work and so on). He can shift responsibility or say that nothing happened (It wasn’t like that!). He can try to convince her that everything was exaggerated (I just wanted to hold you, while you fell down and hit your head). This scene can be seen in movies, when the rapist, who was beating the victim with his fists a day ago, comes to her with a guilty
expression and with a bouquet of flowers (a piece of gold jewelry, a necklace or a ring) and begs to forgive (“only you can understand me”, “without you my life does not make sense”, “let’s start all over again”).
4. “Honeymoon”.
When the victim forgives the tyrant, in the hope that now everything will be different, the quality of the relationship between them returns to the original at this stage. It may really seem that everything has improved, and now everything will be fine. After showing cruelty and violence, the abuser can turn into a caring, loyal, charming, and beautiful person, as he seemed then, at the beginning of the relationship. All this is designed to maintain a “normal” relationship, to keep the victim from leaving and maintain the appearance of well-being.
However, then the cycle repeats. Again and again. Over time, the phases shorten, and the violent outbursts become more frequent and intense.
Why are we talking about this?
No childhood trauma, parental abuse in childhood, alcohol abuse, “bad” character, or anything else can be an excuse for violence and abusive behavior. At the same time, these explanations may seem quite acceptable for many people. We are all adults and can (and should!) be responsible for your states and actions.
