You may have heard the word “separation” before. It is most commonly used in the context of child-parent relationships.
What is separation?
It is the process of a child separating from their parents, gaining independence and autonomy in behavior, views and decisions.
Separation is a two-way process: the parents’ task is to let go, and the children’s task is to detach.
What are the stages of separation?
Infancy: The child shows interest in simple activities and toys. The parents can either encourage the baby’s first attempts for independence, or hinder them by doing everything for the baby.
The crisis of three years: the child clearly shows and defends their desires and opinions, and insists on doing everything themself.
The parents have a choice here as well — either to ignore the child’s desires and not let them show independence, or make a dialogue, listen to their child, help them, and explain.
Kindergarten: Parents can encourage the child’s achievements and allow them to have safe failures, or they can continue tying their shoelaces, dressing and undressing them, and telling them who to be friends with.
School age: Parents have the same choice: either to continue to spoon-feed their child, or help them without interfering with the development of their individual personality.
Teenage rebellion, 12-18 years old: The maturing child defends their right to their personal opinions, values, and behaviors. With a healthy separation, by this point the parents already know how to trust their child, while allowing them to make decisions independently and be responsible for the consequences. Unfortunately, sometimes parents resist and don’t see their child as an individual capable of managing their own life.
What are the types of separation?
● Functional: separating from parents in the self-care zone (feeding, clothing, accommodation).
● Emotional: the ability to make choices and decisions regardless of the parents’ approval/disapproval.
●Value-based: the ability to determine their goals and priorities independently, to separate their own opinion from the their parents’ opinion.
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● Conflict-based: the ability to handle conflict with parents, and not to feel overwhelmed with guilt, shame, resentment and anger.
How can you spot a person truly separated from their parents?
● They know how to take care of themself, they ensure their own physical and psychological comfort.
● They are independent and autonomous in making choices and decisions.
● They understand and accept the fact that their parents can have a different point of view.
● They are aware of their needs and values and can defend them.
● They know their boundaries and how to defend them. They respect the boundaries of others.
● They can stand their ground without being overwhelmed with guilt, resentment, and fear.
Such a person is master of their own life. They build their life with respect to themself and others. In addition to that, separation is a basis for a healthy relationship between an adult child and their parents. To separate does not mean to lose touch or push your parents away. On the contrary, separation takes relationships with your family to a new level.
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