What to do if your colleague drives you crazy?

REQUEST 

Hello! I have an interesting job that I love and I always wanted to work in this field. I like virtually everything here: my position, salary, interesting tasks, and serious projects. 

Some may say that I have the job of my dreams, but I have one problem. One of my colleagues really drives me crazy. I can’t do anything with my reaction. 

We are completely different; we have different views and values. Every time we meet, I just can’t do anything. I suffer from anger, rage, and bad emotions. 

What should I do in such a situation? Do I have to suppress my emotions? How can I get in contact with that person? 

Galina, 27 years old, marketing expert

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Hello, Galina. 

First of all, it’s great that you’ve found a job that you really like. As we understand from your letter, it took a lot of time and effort. We would like to congratulate you because it’s a great achievement. 

Talking about your problem… 

The business style of communication is great because you don’t really have to establish close personal contact. All you have to do is to communicate formally and calmly. You need to keep the distance and never move to a personal level. 

There’s no need to accept your colleague, to be friends with him, to get closer, and even to love him. In order to work together, you don’t have to be the closest friends, unless it’s your business partner and you have to build a relationship on the basis of trust. 

There are high chances that you are trying to set yourself a goal, the achievement of which is not necessary at all. 

There’s another important moment. Usually, when a person causes such strong negative feelings, it means that you come across something very important to you in their personality. In other words, your irritation can serve as an excellent guide to study your own inner world. Try to define the most important element of that person, which makes you so angry. Why it’s so painful for you? What internal weak point is affected by the actions of your colleague? 

Such a colleague is an important tool to understand your emotions and discover your inner world. 

We wish you good luck.  

Adequate attitude towards the opinion of someone else: Do you need to care or there’s no sense?

REQUEST  

Hello! A while ago, I became interested in trying to get to know myself better. I read a lot of literature in the field of psychology and tried to understand my own toxicity. I want to understand whether I’m comfortable communicating with others. 

How do I  understand this? For example, if I have my own vision of life, my goals and desires, I clearly understand what I want and absolutely don’t listen to other people; is it my own categorical approach or just a way to protect my borders? And what do I have to do with the opinion of other people? Is it worth listening to it or it can be just ignored? 

For example, if twenty people are saying that I’m a boring person, is this a healthy criticism to take into account or a gross violation of my boundaries? Thank you. Diana, 25 years old

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Hello, Diana! 

1. It’s really great if you know what you want and understand your motives and goals. When such self-sufficiency doesn’t interfere with your life and doesn’t spoil relations with important people, everything is good. All problems begin in the case of a conflict of interest.

• Imagine that you are in a relationship and you want to say the following: “I will do it in that way” without keeping the opinion of the partner in mind. Now imagine that your goals or ways to achieve them interfere with the lives of other people. For example, I want to run in the morning. What a beautiful goal. At the same time, if you need to wake up the whole house while trying to listen to the music and making a lot of noise, it’s not the best way to behave. 

2. You need to think about the categorical nature of your settings if it significantly hinders you in achieving your goals. 

• For example, you think that it’s indecent to be the first to make something in a relationship with a man. We can talk about your inflexibility, which can prevent you from building a relationship. There are many stories when a girl makes the first step to make one of the strongest relationships ever. 
• Now think about sports. You believe that professional sport is harmful to health, and your friend claims that sport has made him strong. Here you can and you should be flexible: “I believe that professional sport is dangerous, and there are other people who need it for happiness.” 
• Such a categorical way of thinking cuts possible variants of the development of events and accepting people for who they are. The flexibility of thinking makes it possible to look at familiar situations from the other point of view and to see additional opportunities. And this allows you to develop and grow. 

3. Now about the opinion of other people. We are all different and we must accept it. Before you start to believe everyone, you need to understand the meaning of the “boring” word. Why do they call you that? Maybe they mean your limited horizons or lack of experience and knowledge in various issues? Maybe they want to tell you that it’s difficult and uninteresting to communicate with you? 

• Perhaps they are speaking of something you are proud of. Another important point is how you feel about the person who expresses this opinion to you. Do you respect them? Do you trust in their opinion? 
• You write that as many as 20 people call you a boring person. That’s a lot. But it is necessary to understand what exactly they mean by using this word. You need to understand whether you agree with it and whether there are any facts supporting this opinion. And after such an analysis, you can make a conclusion: whether this definition suits you or not, whether you agree with it or not. 
• The opinion of other people is very important because we all live in a society and we need to get feedback. But this does not mean that you need to rush to change yourself as soon as someone said something. Learn to filter their opinions, for example, by using questions, which we have discussed with you. 

Good luck and take care of yourself!   Don’t go away! 

REQUEST

Hello! I’m 37 and I can’t find a man. I want to create a great relationship with him and get married. 

As a result, I developed a kind of crazy fear. When I meet a man whom I really like and we are getting some kind of relationship, I become really afraid that he will leave me very soon. 

I have crazy anxiety about this. I can’t find a place for myself. What can I do about it?  Maria

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Dear Maria! Yes, it often happens like that: the desire to possess something is so strong that we can’t think of anything else. 

Let’s see what happens to you. 

1. It seems that relationships are very valuable to you. However, this can be too much. No doubt, family, love, and romance are important parts of our lives, but your letter is full of despair and panic. These are usually signals, which show that the relationship with a man has passed into the category of something super important. 

• When such a failure occurs, it is logical that the threat (imaginary or real) of losing this valuable object is literally death-like. Hence you are suffering from crazy anxiety. 
• It is also very likely that you are a person with an anxious type of attachment. This is a feature that is formed in childhood under the influence of various factors (to learn more about it and deal with it, you can on our course “Just do not leave”). High anxiety in the relationship, coupled with thoughts of “he will leave” and “I’m strange” are the key signs of it. 

Here are the most important and necessary actions for you to do. 

1. Work with the problem of anxious attachment and “stickiness” in the relationship. It’s highly recommended to work with a psychotherapist and you can use our course. 

2. You need to strengthen yourself. Here’s an interesting fact. You don’t have to abandon the relationship and make a decision. You don’t have to be alone just because you have some problems. You need to learn to be happy with and without relationships. As a result, it’s important to have activities, hobbies and many other things which bring happiness to your life.  

• When a person has their own interesting life with energy and positive emotions, it makes him more stable and attractive. 
• Maria, you need to make a life that you will love. Start with something small. For example, set a goal to test a new hobby every week. Something will become an integral part of your life for sure. 

3. Practice sports! 

• You are an anxious person, which means there are a lot of clamps and stress in your body. As soon as they start to leave, your moral state will return to the normal level. Establishing a relationship with the body is the most important task. 
• If you don’t want to get into a sport, why not try dancing? You can even go to special psychotherapeutic dancing groups. 

4. Try the following practice. 

• Write a list of the worst things that will happen if you never meet a man. Write all of them down. 
• Now write a few solutions for each of them. How will you act in this case? Use your imagination. 
• We want to highlight one thing once again: this exercise doesn’t have the task to change your mind about having a relationship. Its purpose is to shake (and to remove) the idea of the super-value of having a man in life. 

Good luck and take care of yourself!