What to do if the grandmother interferes with your parenting

Interaction between young parents and older relatives can be difficult and can cause conflict. It gets especially intense when the grandmother intervenes with your parenting. There may be various reasons for this behavior. Here are some of them:

1. Incomplete separation. There is a significant emotional or psychological connection between you and your mother, which prevents you from building healthy boundaries and developing autonomy. Perhaps, you are trying to separate, but your mother “isn’t letting you go.” She still sees you as a child and she struggles to accept that you are able to raise your child yourself. So she tries to control your every step to make sure that you do everything right when it comes to parenting (and not only to that).

2. “Accumulated” experience. The grandmother has her own unique experience in raising children and she believes that her methods are the most reliable. This is also due to differences in ideas about parenting and in family values. The grandmother can constantly compare her beliefs with your own and try to introduce changes into your parenting. 

3. Habits and authority. The grandmother may be used to her role of the head of the family that makes all important decisions (this is also called “matriarchy”). So, it’s not surprising that the grandmother strives to control the situation and doesn’t take your opinion into account. 

Here are some tips that will help set your boundaries:

Self-reflection

Understand your emotional and psychological ties with your mother. See how they affect you as a parent. Figure out your own needs, expectations and boundaries.

Partner’s support

Discuss with your partner the issues related to your mother’s engagement in taking care of your child. Find possible solutions to this problem together. It’s important that you support each other and “play on the same team”.

Open communication

It can be difficult to start talking to your mother openly and sincerely, especially if you didn’t really have a trusting relationship before. But this is crucial if you want to achieve cooperation and build ecological boundaries. Express your feelings and concerns about her interference in your parenting. Listen to her motivation and point of view, but don’t suppress your own emotions:

– “Mom, I want to talk to you about something that bothers me. Sometimes you interfere too much with my parenting, so that I feel lost and don’t know how to respond to this.”

– “Mom, I really appreciate your care and help. But I’m asking you not to make any decisions regarding my child without me.”

– “Mom, I will always be your daughter. But I am a grown-up and I have my own child now. Let me be a mother and don’t take on too much.”

Dividing responsibilities

Set the boundaries in your parenting. Explain that you need to have freedom in making decisions, and that you, or your partner and you have the last say. Determine which childcare tasks you are willing to entrust to your mother, and which ones you want to keep under your control. You can use phrases suggested below as a base for your request:

– “Mom, I would like to set clear boundaries in the upbringing of my son. I’m willing to discuss with you any issues related to his education and security. But when it comes to his health, interests and nutrition, I make my own decisions.

– “I appreciate your concern, but I ask you not to buy any soda and pastries for my daughter. I know you want to treat her, but believe me, you’re only doing her harm this way. Do you want me to tell you what you can bring next time as a treat? She loves cherries and will be happy to have some!”

– “Mom, I know you want to share your experience in raising children, because you raised the three of us! But my partner and I need to get our own experience, and pass on to our child the values that we consider to be the most important in our family.”

Alternative ways of support 

Ask your mom to be just a loving grandmother who provides care, plays with the child and takes them for walks without interfering with your parental decisions. Try to avoid reproaching and criticizing, and sincerely ask for help form a person close to you.

If, after all your efforts, communication with your mother becomes impossible and toxic, you need to ensure your emotional safety and your child’s safety. Sometimes, in order to achieve this, you have to cut off this connection (temporarily or permanently). It’s difficult, but if this relationship causes you stress, anxiety and other negative emotions, consider this option.