The languages of love

Due to our personal characteristics, life experiences, and the model of the parental family, we all speak different languages ​​of expression of love. If this small nuance is not taken into account, inevitable misunderstandings, resentments, and erroneous conclusions may happen.

There were five such “languages” before, but in our time something else can be added to this, because life does not stand still, and digital technologies bring their special emphasis, which is also worth considering.

1. Words

A person for whom this language is “native” knows how to support, praise, ask for forgiveness, express approval with words, etc. If your partner often says kind words to you, finds a way to tell you subtle compliments, praises your successes aloud – this is their form of conveying love.

2. Help, care

And here is a completely different dialect. To help means to express your care in action. Help takes time and effort – and this is definitely about love, although without a single word.

Alex rarely talks about love, he literally gets “tongue-tied” when he needs to say something affectionate. In his family, it was not customary to express feelings “blatantly”, like this. But he takes Julia to work even on those days when he has a day off and he could sleep longer. He changed the bulb in Julia’s lamp, which she uses in the evenings so that it shines brighter and her eyes strain less. And when their daughter was born, in the first months, when the lack of sleep and the whirlwind of chores consumed every free minute, he got up in the morning before work an hour earlier and ironed the baby’s blankets and bodysuits so that Julia could change the baby during the day.

3. Quality time

It is not about being next to each other, it is about being “together”. Giving your time means giving your undivided attention. And with it – a part of yourself, because you cannot get back time.

Tony is always busy at work. His job requires great concentration, and because of this, his personal life inevitably suffers. When Tony wants his girlfriend Gwen to know how dear she is to him, at the cost of incredible efforts, he frees up a few days just for the two of them. And on ordinary days, he is always ready to listen to how her day went. And if he doesn’t have time for dinner, he finds a few minutes for a video chat.

4. Gifts

Some people speak this language because it is more familiar and understandable to them. A gift is a material embodiment of the desire to show one’s affection, appreciation, and love.

5. Touch

By touch, you can express various facets of your feelings: from tenderness, care, and affection, to passionate desire. For some people, this is the only way to show love. This way of dialogue has many nuances and shades because tactile receptors are located throughout our bodies. People who speak this language tend to hold their partner’s hand, feel hugs, treat caresses and kisses with trepidation, and attach special importance to sex. They may start doubting that they are being loved if they do not get all of this from their partner.

6. Digital language

This is our life in the Internet space: social networks, statuses, instant messengers, tags on joint photos, likes, etc.

Yes, this is something new, but, of course, it also fits into love languages. Don’t we pay attention to whether the person we are interested in is viewing our photos or stories?

Gulya spends a lot of time online. She maintains her blog, which is quite popular. She has a YouTube channel. And she even met her boyfriend Eric on Tinder. A fairly large part of their interaction takes place online since they live in different cities. In the morning they check each other’s statuses. For them, this is a kind of “Good morning” message to each other. Liking photos, creating common collages – is how they usually show attention to each other. When they have a conflict, they discuss it in writing by messaging – it is more comfortable for them. It does not mean that they do not see each other offline, but online communication takes a big place in their relationship.

7. Special needs

Oddly enough, there is also such a distinctive language of love – the ability to realize the partner’s need, for example, in loneliness, while being in a stable relationship. There are people for whom it is important to be alone sometimes. And their partner can give them a great gift and show care by not making them feel guilty about it.

Once a month, Alex needs solitude. This is his time for himself, the opportunity to restore his inner balance. Previously, Leah used to be upset because of this. She thought that something was wrong with their relationship, since he needed “a break from her”. But then she realized that this was not connected with her at all, and accepted this need of her partner. Their relationship became much stronger when Alex started feeling that his needs are being considered and honored.

Now imagine that the partners are people who speak different languages ​​(and this happens often). The zone of potential conflict is outlined quite quickly because they simply do not understand each other! Like in the parable of the Tower of Babel, remember?

Luciana is one of those who “love with their ears” and express their feelings through words. And her husband Derek is a taciturn introvert. He sincerely loves Luciana. At the moment when she asks for confirmation of his feelings for her, he approaches her and begins to hug her. But this is not enough for Luciana. She shares her frustration with her friends and says: “Well, is it so difficult for him? I want at least once to hear a normal I LOVE YOU! Maybe, he simply does not love me?”

If we don’t take into account how different we are, it’s easy to get into a mess and get a kind of “dialogue of the deaf” like Luciana and Derek are having. However, it is quite possible to turn it into a meaningful dialog, if you do not consider the characteristics of your partner as a simple unwillingness to do what you expect from them.

By the way, it is also possible to “learn” another love language! Maybe you will not speak it like a “native” – this is not required – we do not have to be all the same. The simplest level will be enough to show your feelings to your dear person and expand the zone of mutual understanding between you two.

So, if you notice a certain way of expressing love and affection in your partner’s behavior, it makes sense:

• to try to understand the language your partner speaks;

• to try to say something in “their” language.

If your partner often gives gifts, and you prefer to hug – surprise them! It is not necessary to give something expensive and significant. Sometimes the symbolism of a simple little thing can touch a dear person much more profoundly.

If your partner is swamped with work (irritated and tired), and their love language is caring, you can ask them how you can help right now. These will likely turn out to be very specific points. Your concern can tell them more than the words “I love you.”

If your partner likes tactile contact, kinesthetic interaction is important for them. To express your feelings in a way that they will understand, make sure that you use physical contact not only in the bedroom. You can briefly touch them when passing by, touch their hand when handing them a coffee, give them one “extra” kiss or hug.

It is not easy to give time. But it is quite possible to finish your chores in advance and convey to your partner that you are there for them, that you are ready and want to be only with them now.

If you want to strengthen your relationship and learn how to make it more harmonious, check out our “Healthy Relationships” course. This is a therapeutic program that you can use independently. You can read more about it here <link>