Perhaps, only the topic of money has more taboos around it than the topic of sex. It is difficult to discuss the salary when applying for a job (I will say more – they will say that I think too much of myself, I will say less – I’ll make a mistake), it is not easy to agree on the contribution of everyone to the family budget. But the issue of returning the borrowed money breaks all records in the degree of the awkwardness of a potential conflict.
Suzi says: a friend owes me money, but, apparently, she is not going to return it. And it is uncomfortable for me to remind her: I do not want to look too materialistic.
Ivan regularly lent money to his colleague Keith. Just a little bit: either for a coffee (“oh, I left money in my jacket”) or for cigarettes (“I completely forgot that I am running out”), then for lunch (“friend, if it’s not too hard for you”) – and Keith never returned them. Ivan felt awkward but hesitated to remind – just a few dollars here and there… If it were a large sum, that would be a different story…
Robert loaned money to his cousin for a washing machine. The agreement was for a month, but it has been already four months. During this time, the cousin even went on vacation – and still, there’s silence about the money… Robert is angry, but he is not saying anything – after all, they are family…
Why is it so uncomfortable for us to remind about our hard-earned money, by the way? What is it inside of us that hangs a weight on our tongue, and we agonizingly hesitate and remain silent, unable to say a simple phrase?
Suzi, for example, expressed an important idea: I don’t want to look too materialistic. Ivan is afraid to appear petty – it seems that if he reminds Keith about the money, he will look like a penny pincher. Family ties prevent Robert from talking about the debt: we are a family, how can I just say “give me back my money”?
It turns out that everyone has their own attitudes in their heads, which can greatly interfere with normal communication. But reminding about your money is not being too materialistic, but a completely adequate action. Maybe it is a penny – but it is your penny, and it is up to you to dispose of it, and not to someone else. The fact that the money was taken by a relative is also not an argument. When lending to any person, you should discuss the borrowing terms very clearly (out loud!). Otherwise, it is a gift, not a loan. And both sides should see it the same way.
Reminding of debt is a thankless role. For many, this is difficult and even embarrassing. Suzi mentioned the feeling of some terrible humiliation at the very thought of such a dialogue. Where do these emotions come from? Each case is unique, but, most likely, something inside of us comes into conflict: if I remind you of money, I am bad (greedy, petty, tactless) … It makes sense to explore your views on this issue in more detail.
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But what to do if a situation where you didn’t get your money back has already happened, how to remind the debtor about the money?
• It is absolutely normal to be interested in what happened with your money. Therefore, when the due date approaches, ask a simple, clear, and specific question: “When do you think you will be able to repay the money that I loaned to you?”
“Natalie, when will you have the opportunity to return to me the $100 that you borrowed two months ago?”
• Support the reminder by stating why the money needs to be returned now:
“My family and I are going on vacation next week – I need this money. When can you return it: tomorrow or Wednesday?”
• You can ask questions about what the money was taken for. This will help to build a bridge to the question of money, or maybe it will not be needed and the debtor himself will bring up the debt.
“How’s your new treadmill? Do you use it regularly, do you like it?”
• If it is too difficult to talk about money by “saying words with your mouth” – use instant messengers, following the same rules.
• If an installment plan is acceptable for you, offer this option if you know for sure about the debtor’s money difficulties.
“If it’s difficult to return everything at once, maybe you will be able to repay it over time? For example, will $100 a month work for you?”
• If all the deadlines have passed, and the money is not returned, you can say something like: “Anthony, I was happy to help you with the money for your renovation project last summer. Now, I myself urgently need money to resolve my issues, and I am sure that you will also help me by returning the money before the weekend. I know that you and I are good friends … “
And the main thing – you must speak. Being silent and angry is not a strategy, it never pays off in the long run. Any questions can be resolved when they are voiced in a correct and delicate manner.
P.S. By the way, it turned out that Suzi’s friend forgot about the debt and thanked her for the reminder, she was terribly embarrassed …
Keith sincerely believed that this was not a loan, but a favor – after all, he had never discussed the lending terms with Ivan.
And Robert still had to talk to his cousin, and they agreed on the date of the repayment, although the cousin seemed to want to forget about it. ?
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