Perfectionism – what to do about it?

Every psychologist who has ever worked with perfectionists knows how adamantly they defend their worldviews:

“Striving for perfection – this is normal!”

“I need to try harder!”

“As soon as I relax control, I will turn into a mindless creature that only wants to eat and sleep. I need to be on my toes!”

“Having high standards for myself – this is what doesn’t allow me to relax”

“Every day, you need to show the world what you are capable of. Otherwise, they will eat for breakfast!”

These are real quotes from our perfectionist clients.

The very thought that they need to change something that they are basing their whole lives on can make them feel outraged and horrified. If this sounds like you, it may make sense to work on your resistance with a psychotherapist. But if you already see and understand that an eternal race for perfection drains your energy and does not give anything in return, if you no longer want to chase unattainable carrots, then our recommendations are for you.

1. Accept as a fact that you are not ideal. Nobody is perfect. And nobody needs to be perfect. Say it out loud: “I have a right to make mistakes. I am a human.”

2. Perfectionists think that their achievements are the core of who they are. If I got a bad grade – I am bad. If I made a mistake during my presentation – I am a failure. But in reality, this is not the case! It is very important to separate achievements and self-image.

To do this, remember all the instances of self-blame and failure when your head was full of negative evaluations of yourself. Reconsider them from the point of view “that was not me, but my actions”. Do this exercise in writing.

For example, “I was giving a presentation and forgot what I was supposed to say. I messed up! I am a failure” replace with “I was giving a presentation and forgot what I was supposed to say. This presentation was not my best.  Next time, I will prepare better.”

3. Perfectionists are completely incapable of accepting compliments. They feel very uncomfortable since any compliment means that:

The person doesn’t have enough information (“they don’t see the whole picture: in that corner over there – I definitely put too much paint”).

They just want to make me feel good. Their compliment is not real.

If I deserved this compliment, my boss would give me a bonus. Otherwise, these are just empty words…

Practice. Ask your friends and family to tell you about your good qualities. Do not argue no matter what you hear – this is very important! Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down convincing arguments why everything that they said is true. If you do not feel any resistance – great! It means that your perfectionism is slowing down.

4. Allow yourself to be less than SUPER (man, woman, boss, mom, etc.). It is very difficult but possible.

Your desire to be the very best in all the aspects of life causes frustration and drains your energy. It is a decision, a choice. Either you are a live person who has a right to make mistakes or you wither and twist all your life while dreaming about perfection.

5. No zealousness.  Notice all the moments when you want to redo something: start baking a cake from scratch if one layer is a little uneven, buy a new daily planner if you made a mistake and crossed something on the first page, etc. Before you act, ask yourself – why am I going this? What will happen if the cake (daily planner, Instagram photo) will be less than ideal? Will the world come to an end? Will something significant change? Make a conscious choice not to start from scratch.

6. Make mistakes. This is the scariest thing for a perfectionist. Challenge the disgruntled little person inside of you: mess up your desk a little bit, leave something on your “to-do” list undone. Do the dishes in your cupboard really need to be sorted by size? Books by the titles? Clothing by color? Do you really need to complete the 12 feats of Hercules every day? Try to live in this way for a few days and note if anything has changed. Maybe nothing has?

7. Do not redo projects! This is very very important! You need to practice this skill! ?

Perfectionists can waste a lot of time on random things. They can get stuck even on the simplest tasks because they are redoing them many-many times. Therefore, for each task, allocate some specific time and as soon as the time is over – stop working and do not return to this task.

Note: in your opinion, to what degree is the task completed? 80-90%, not 100% as you would have liked? It’s ok, you can leave it as is!

If it is hard for you to judge the completeness of the result, then measure the time spent. Allocate less time than you originally planned. “I will spend 10 minutes on each document, and then move on to the next one” or “I will clean up the kitchen for 15 minutes, and regardless of the progress I will stop and go read a book”.

8. Stop trying to control everything.

There are many things in this world that you cannot control: the behavior of other people, their reactions, things that have already happened, circumstances, road conditions, peace in the whole world, etc. Accept this as you accept the weather. The desire to control is always caused by anxiety. Control is the cloak that it wraps itself in. Note your zone of responsibility by asking this question: what do I really worry about? Once you move your desire to control into the zone of consciousness, you will deprive control of its power and bring yourself back into reality.

Perfectionism is a pursuit of illusion – the illusion of perfection. 

It is similar to plastic fruits in a basket – they look very beautiful but you cannot eat them. Do you want to live your whole life in this plastic world, striving to achieve unattainable beauty and ignoring everything else? Then it is likely that perfectionism will become your life story: to chase carrots, to collect gold stars and coins like Mario in the computer game. Meanwhile, your life will be passing by…

Or you can decide to stop sacrificing your life for the sake of mythical perfection and eternal over-achievement. Then you can experience the taste of real, with spots and blemishes, apples from a farmer’s market. Not plastic fruits. Perfectionism is not about real life, not at all.