I worry about my Dad’s health

“Hello!

I am 21 years old. But my parents are getting old: my Mom is 61 and my Dad is 64. My Mom is very energetic and active. She continues working and overall, she is healthy. But my Dad… he has diabetes with all the complications. On top of that, he smokes a lot, doesn’t work, and doesn’t eat healthy. It is useless to talk to him – he thinks that he knows everything and doesn’t want to change. I have constant anxiety that something may happen to him at any moment. Especially at night, I am spinning all kinds of horrible scenarios in my head. What makes it worse, is that I am going to study abroad. I am very scared that something may happen to him while I am away. It will be hard for me both emotionally and financially. I don’t know how to deal with this anxiety. Every time my Dad takes a nap, I come over to check up on him, to make sure he is OK. Or when he starts coughing from cigarette smoke, all kinds of terrible thoughts come to my mind, even though he has been coughing forever, as long as I can remember. To be honest, I have always been worrying about my parents, but nowadays – I really worry a lot.

Thank you in advance for your reply and for this great opportunity!”

Hello!

• Your Dad and your Mom are adults. They are 40 years older than you. It is obvious that they have a better understanding of how to live their lives: whether to spend it smoking cigarettes or doing something else.

• On a human level, I totally get you. This issue can surely be of great concern to you. But in your case, this is not just a worry, it is an indicator of dependency.

• Please note that you have not asked a question. You noticed the situation, you described it, and you shared your anxiety over it – now what?

I will answer as if you would have asked “how do I end my dependency?”

– Books, courses, articles about dependency. Codependency is a complex and difficult topic. Working on it may take a long time. Just learning about all the aspects of your dependency is a long process. Among our courses, the course “Codependency” would be a good fit for you. 

– Psychologists. Work on anxiety, codependency, separation, on building a desire to live your own life. If, for now, you don’t have an option to visit a psychologist, you can start with our program “Plaid”. It is really good for dealing with anxiety.

– Support groups for codependent. There are free groups for relatives of dependent people. In these groups, people share their stories and experiences. You may be able to recognize yourself in other people’s stories. If you join such groups, it will be easier for you to evaluate the severity of your problems.

Your Dad smokes. Someone’s son is using alcohol. The relatives want them to quit. And yes – this is very understandable that people want their parents or children to stop destroying themselves. 

But in reality, it works like this – the dependent person will continue using for as long as they want to until they THEMSELVES decide to stop. Someone will quit during their lifetime, but they will do it themselves. Someone will never quit, and no pleading from the family will help. Yes, it is important to support them. BUT! Supporting means that the person has already made an independent decision, and you are supporting them in this decision, as opposed to pleading “please stop, please”.

I talked to people who stopped using. I asked them whether their family (spouses, parents, etc.) could do anything to make them quit earlier. They always said the same thing: “Before I myself realized that it is time to quit, nothing and nobody could help me. But when I understood that (something happened, usually very dramatic), I knew that I could no longer continue this way.”

You need to accept this as a fact of life: your Dad smokes. Accept it. Either on your own or with the help of a psychologist. And you need to learn to live YOUR OWN life.

Here are some other things that you need to keep in mind:

– When there is an anxious person (you) next to a dependent person (your Dad) – it increases his dependency, not reduces it. Worries, fears of the loved ones may make the dependent person to rebel, or they may make them feel guilty. And this may cause your Dad to smoke even more.

– If you would get yourself out of this hole of worries and anxieties, you will be more available as a role model, or as a person who can provide support, when your Dad suddenly decides to quit (if he decides to do so).

– If you start living your own life, he will definitely be happier than now, when he sees you worrying about him. Even the most egotistical person will be happy deep inside knowing that their child is living her own life. (Unless your story is about toxic parents, who don’t want you to be happy, living your own life, but want you to remain close to them no matter what.)

I really hope that you will find resolve and opportunities to change your views about someone else’s destructive behavior. I wish you to come out of this situation with maximum benefits for yourself.

Mindspa Consulting psychologist