A Reader Shares Her Difficulty Reaching Orgasm With a Partner
A young woman wrote to us:
“I’m 31 years old and in a steady relationship—not my first one. I’ve never been able to experience orgasm with a partner. I’ve had different partners; some were better lovers, and some were worse, but the result has always been the same. Or rather, there has been no result. At the same time, I’ve always had orgasms through masturbation, and quite intense ones.
I’m happy in my current relationship, and I have a considerate partner. But when we have sex, I don’t know what goes wrong. We’ve tried different things, but nothing works. So I feel that I have to fake it—what else can I do? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. After all, it’s not his fault that I have a problem.
In a previous relationship, I once hinted to my partner that I couldn’t come. He replied, ‘There must be something wrong with you. I’m doing my best.’ I feel as though I’m deficient. If you listen to my friends, they all have great sex and amazing orgasms, so why don’t I? I could accept it if this had happened with only one partner, but it has been the same with all of them. Is there really something wrong with me?
To be honest, I feel desperate at this point.”
Psychologist Erin Responds: You Are Not Deficient
Let me make this clear right away: there is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with you and you are not deficient. It is quite common for a woman not to experience the sexual pleasure she wants in a relationship. Yet many women continue to criticize themselves because of unrealistic expectations and myths surrounding orgasm.
I’m sorry that one of your previous partners made the inappropriate remark, “There must be something wrong with you.” First, that was cruel and untrue. Second, rather than trying to understand what was happening, he placed the blame on you.
In this context, difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner means that you can orgasm during masturbation but struggle to do so during partnered sexual activity. The fact that you can reach orgasm alone offers useful clues about the kind of stimulation, arousal, and emotional environment that work for you.
Questions to Explore About Orgasm, Arousal, and Partnered Sex
In order to figure out what is happening to you, I suggest that you answer the following questions:
- How do you experience orgasm? What sensations tell you that you are having one, and how do you recognize it?
- What does sexual pleasure mean to you?
- How do you reach orgasm without your partner? What type of stimulation do you use, and do you use any toys?
- What kind of stimulation arouses you most?
- How comfortable and uninhibited do you feel during sex?
- What was your first sexual experience like? Have you had any physically or psychologically traumatic experiences?
- What is the emotional atmosphere of your current relationship? What was it like in past relationships, and which feelings do you experience most often with a partner?
- How do you talk about sex with your partner? What words and phrases do you use? Do you speak openly or communicate indirectly? Can you show your partner what you like and how you like it?
- Do you experience pleasure during sex? If sex does not end in orgasm, do you still find it pleasurable, or does it feel disappointing?
- How do you become aroused before and during masturbation? What fantasies or thoughts turn you on and enhance your pleasure?
- What happens before and during sex with your partner? Do you have enough foreplay, or does intercourse begin abruptly, before you have had time to become aroused? Does your partner do anything to arouse you? Do you directly explain what you like, or do you make indirect suggestions?
- How does stimulation during masturbation differ from stimulation during partnered sex? For example, if you usually reach orgasm with your legs clenched, you may find it more difficult with your legs apart. You can practice changing this position during masturbation.
Why Can’t You Experience Orgasm With Your Partner?
There may be several reasons why you do not reach orgasm with a partner. The key point, however, is that you can reach orgasm when you masturbate. That can give you valuable information about your body and provide useful guidance for your partner.
Partnered Sex May Not Provide the Stimulation You Need
During penetration—that is, during penile-vaginal intercourse—clitoral stimulation may be insufficient. It may help to pay more attention to the kind of stimulation that already works for you.
You could masturbate during sex, allowing your partner to see what feels good. You could also tell him in advance how you like to be touched or suggest using toys together. Explore your sexuality with your partner, and do not give up if it does not work immediately.
Solo Sex and Partnered Sex May Feel Disconnected
At the moment, masturbation and sex with your partner seem to be in opposition, so you need to find a way to bring the two experiences together. If you perceive solo sex as good and partnered sex as bad, your brain and body register that difference. As a result, it may be harder to get in the mood and experience pleasure with another person.
If you feel shy with your partner—unlike during solo sex, when there is no one else present—you may first need to work through your shame. This could mean talking about sex, sharing your fantasies, and arranging exciting dates together.
Pressure to Have an Orgasm Can Get in the Way of Pleasure
The idea that you “have to have an orgasm” can, paradoxically, interfere with pleasure. When you become fixated on reaching orgasm, you may miss the enjoyable sensations that happen along the way.
Try focusing your attention on the sensations in your body during sex. Ask yourself: What does this feel like? Where does it feel better? Shifting your attention away from the goal of orgasm may help you notice what is pleasurable in the moment.
Communication Problems May Extend Beyond Sex
If there are communication issues in your relationship, the problem may not be limited to sex. It may also involve your general ability to listen to and understand each other.
For example, if you are accustomed to having your needs pushed aside or left unmet, this is something to begin working on. Regain your right to pleasure and learn to communicate your desires. It is not easy, but it is worth the effort.
Why Faking an Orgasm Makes Understanding More Difficult
Another important point is that faking an orgasm can be harmful both to your relationship and to your sensitivity. It creates distance between partners because it prevents honest communication about what is and is not working.
Your concern—“I don’t want to hurt his feelings”—is understandable. However, the longer you remain silent or continue faking orgasms, the more difficult it may become to reach mutual understanding and experience genuine pleasure together.
The Most Important Takeaway
You are not broken, deficient, or alone. Your experiences during masturbation can help you understand the stimulation and conditions you need. Honest communication, greater attention to arousal, and less pressure to perform can help you and your partner explore what feels good together.
We wish you the best orgasms!
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