I had a perfect childhood – why do I have so many issues?

On the internet, you can find a popular meme showing a crying boy – the inscription says: “I had a perfect childhood – until my psychologist asked me about it”. And this is not entirely a joke. In practice, this happens quite often when clients who seek psychotherapy sincerely believe that everything was good in their family.

Olivia used to “latch onto” her men and was very afraid that she would be abandoned. She was so afraid that she forgot to ask herself: “How do I feel in this relationship? Maybe it’s high time to move on? ” She turned to a psychologist when she realized that she was in a relationship where her partner humiliated her and did not appreciate her, but for some reason, she felt that this is… normal. She could not see that other options are possible. When asked about her parents, Olivia confidently said that she had already thought about it since she knows that childhood influences people’s choices and behavior in adulthood. And – she found nothing. Her parents are normal, and everything was fine in her childhood!

Only in the process of counseling, it turned out that Olivia’s dad was an alcoholic. And somehow, by chance, she remembered that when he used to come home drunk, he would force his daughter to sit next to him and stroke him on the head, because that made him feel better. And her mom forced Olivia to sit and “sympathize” with her dad because only this would make him calm down. And if Olivia tried to refuse, her mother would tell her that it would be Olivia’s fault if dad left or did something to himself.

Otherwise, her childhood was… quite good…

Our psyche is designed in such a way that it will protect our parents and even “juggle” the facts so that we sincerely believe that everything was fine.

Some stories are simply erased from memory and may suddenly get recalled during the therapy (or between the meetings).

For example, one client “remembered” that he used to have an uncle who sexually abused him when he was 7 years old. Then the family moved, and he had never seen this uncle again. It seemed like he had completely forgotten about it.

And some other stories are perceived as completely normal because the person does not know that an alternative exists.

Leana’s mother loved her daughter very much – she often told her about it. But Leana constantly had to work hard to deserve this love. First, she had to learn to read faster than anyone else. Then win gymnastics championships – her mom enrolled her in gymnastics when she was 3 years old. Then earn good grades (“Only B? Why not A?”). Have an ideal figure (“Listen, if you continue eating like that, no one will like you”). Leana has been afraid all her life to fall short and stop being loved by her mother. She came to a specialist when anxiety, panic attacks, and perfectionism started to strangle her. But it was difficult for her to believe that there was something “wrong” in her family because “my mother did everything for me!”

Parents, even loving and caring ones do not always understand what can hurt a child and how to prevent this from happening. We are not talking about mental and physical abuse – such cases are obvious. Let’s dig deeper. The hit parade of less obvious cases looks like this:

○ Constant comparison with others (“Look at Alesha – she has better grades than you, and helps her mother with household chores… And her hair is long and beautiful, and you cut yours short”)

○ Not believing in the child’s ability (“You will fail! This is not for you!”)

○ Not being on the side of your child (“Yes, Mrs. Jackson, my son is at fault. You are right, he is to blame! Doesn’t matter what he says.”)

○ Forcing your child into the position of a parent (“Only you, my dear, can take care of me! You are only 12, and you are already so smart. I can’t manage without your help”)

○ Ignoring the child’s needs and devaluing their feelings (“You’ll get over it,” “Don’t make things up, it doesn’t hurt at all!”)

We are not saying that absolutely all problems come from childhood – not always. But it is very unlikely that a person’s childhood was ideal if they are having serious difficulties with self-esteem, addictions, fears, etc.

Our parents are not always to blame for this. Often it is not so much their fault as their (and our) misfortune. Their lives may have been difficult: they had to struggle to put the food on the table. They may not have the knowledge, the time, and the energy for anything else. Our task is not to assign blame but rather to find the root cause of the problems. We should find what is broken and fix it by abandoning wrong attitudes, resentments, and dysfunctional behaviors.