Sometimes, we may find ourselves blaming our parents: “It’s your fault that my relationships never work out! You didn’t teach me how to save money! You always criticized me as a child, and now I’m scared of everything!” Even if these are only intrusive thoughts that you’ve never said aloud, you may wonder whether it’s time to let go of the resentment. Is holding on to these negative emotions worth the energy it takes?
Resentment toward your parents can include lingering anger, annoyance, or hurt connected to their past behavior. Simply wanting these feelings to disappear is rarely enough, so we’ve outlined three clear steps that may help you begin letting go of resentment toward your parents.
Step 1. Validate your feelings.
All of your feelings are valid and normal, and you have every right to feel angry, annoyed, or resentful. These emotions do not make you a bad person, nor do they mean that you don’t love your parents.
There are no right or wrong feelings, but there are safe and unsafe ways to express them. Validating your emotions means acknowledging that they exist rather than criticizing yourself for having them.
Step 2. See your parent as a real person.
Resentment can sometimes grow from unrealistic expectations or an idealized image of our parents. In reality, our mothers and fathers are people, just like us. They may not know how to express their feelings safely or communicate effectively.
When you were a child, your parents may not have known how to meet your needs properly or help you feel safe. Try to consider why they behaved as they did and what may have motivated them.
Understanding your parents’ behavior does not mean justifying it. It simply means trying to understand how they think and recognizing them as real, imperfect people.
Step 3. Give yourself time.
Do not expect yourself to forgive your parents for everything overnight. Letting go of resentment is a complex internal process, and it takes time. Some resentments can run so deep that you may need months or even years to reconsider what happened and begin releasing them.
Giving yourself time also means avoiding pressure to feel differently before you are ready. Your emotional process does not need to follow anyone else’s timeline.
Do You Have to Forgive Your Parents?
No—you have every right not to forgive your parents, especially if your resentment remains very strong. Letting go of resentment does not have to mean forcing forgiveness or continuing a relationship that you do not want.
A truly mature person can make their own decision about whether to maintain a relationship with any family member—including their mother or father. Ultimately, that choice is yours.
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