Parenting and taking care of children is a difficult task that requires certain knowledge and skills from parents. As well as lots of patience and wisdom, especially when the child cries, screams, resists, throws tantrums and does something out of spite. Children are bad at controlling their behavior and monitoring their emotions — you have to teach a child how to do that. And who can teach them better than a caring adult? But for starters, the child needs to calm down.
Here are five reliable recommendations that will help your calm down your child in various situations:
1. When the child is angry
Help them express their emotions and respond to them. For example, say:
– “It looks like you’re very angry! I feel that you don’t like this situation at all, let me help you overcome it.”
Describe what happened without judgment, so that the child feels safe and at the same time can understand that they are heard:
– “Sue wanted to play with your doll and took it without asking? You said, “No!” and pushed her. Right?”
Go on to discuss the incident outside the situation. Speak calmly, don’t raise your voice and show the child that you are on their side.
2. When the child cries
Stay close to the child. Show that you are ready to help by creating an atmosphere of security: with hugs, affectionate words, and a smile. Sometimes children are not ready to accept help, but you need to let them know that they can rely on it. Send a non-verbal message to the child: “I will help you, you are safe.” You can articulate this the following way: “I’m here to support you. You can tell me what happened and we’ll get through it together.”
Remember that sometimes everyone just needs to cry, so don’t rush to give a lengthy speech, just stay close and be available.
3. When the child stands their ground
The child has their own opinion, and that’s great! Try to acknowledge their point of view by asking some clarifying questions:
– “Do you want to…?”
– “Is this something you didn’t want…?”
You can share their emotions by saying:
– “I understand how you feel. At the moment we can’t stay at home/take a bath/throw your lego out of the window/put on winter boots/drown this toy in the toilet/paint the walls, etc. Tell me what your favorite game is, and we’ll play it together tonight. What do you like playing at the most?”
If the tantrums are caused by the crisis of 3 years, you can use little tricks. Ask questions that suggest several possible answers, but which they can’t answer with a “no”. This way you give your child a choice and they feel that they make the decision themself.
– “Will you eat pasta or rice?”
– “Will you wash your hands with liquid soap or bar soap?”
– “Will you wear white socks or yellow socks?”
– “Shall we take a shovel or a ball to the playground?”
– “Shall we read a book about dinosaurs or about cars?”
– “Do you want me to peel a banana for you or do you want to do it yourself?”
Sometimes you can suggest doing the opposite of what you want the child to do knowing that they will do everything vice versa out of spite or even realize that they were wrong. Such techniques work better with older children.
– “You can eat snow if you want. Will you be happy with this as your lunch?”
– “Don’t wash your hands when we come home. The sand will give your porridge a delicious crunch.”
– “You don’t have to wear shoes for a walk, then the puddle will flow right into your socks.”
– “Let’s not have breakfast before the trip. Your stomach will rumble so loudly in the car that we won’t even need the radio.”
– “I suggest we leave all the toys on the floor. You don’t mind if we can’t run and jump around in this room for a few more days, do you?”
4. When the child is afraid
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Listen to them and try to understand what exactly the child is afraid of. Don’t use phrases like: “Don’t be a coward”, “You are too big to be scared”, “Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing”, “Monsters don’t exist, you’re making it up!” Acknowledge their feelings and support them:
– “I understand that it can be frightening. I’m here to protect you and help you overcome your fear.”
– “You think you saw something moving behind the cabinet? Let’s turn on the lights and look together.”
– “Do you want me to stay here with you? If you are afraid to sleep alone, you can take your favorite toy to bed. Itwill guard your sleep.”
– “Did the older boys bully you? They shouldn’t do that; you can walk wherever you want.”
– “Don’t be afraid to tell me about your fear. If “it” knows you discovered it, it will go away.”
Include some breathing exercises, for example, breathing to the count: 4 – 2 – 4 (a long inhale for 4 counts, a pause for 2, and an exhalation for 4 counts). Remember that it’s important that you work with fears, eliminate the causes and actively help your child overcome them.
5. When the child is disappointed
When a child faces disappointment, they go through genuine grief, so your task is to help them overcome this grief, release their emotions and find the strength to move on.
What can you say in this case?
– “I understand that you expected a different result. Let’s think what we can do to make things better next time. Shall we make a plan?”
– “I see how upset you are that you didn’t win the competition. There are many contestants, but there is only one first place. But the good news is that you still have a lot of competitions and contests ahead of you!”
In a situation where you imposed some restrictions on the situation or your child’s actions yourself, suggest a scenario of what you can’t give them at the moment. For example, a child wants to go to the playground, but you have other plans:
– “Playing ball is so much fun. It would be great to play ball with other kids on the playground every day! You could bring different balls. What ball would you bring?”
– “As a child, I loved to go on a swing and dreamed that I’d have my own swing in my garden. Do you like swinging too? Let’s think what kind of swing we can install in our garden.”
And most importantly: don’t take your child’s emotions too personally. Sometimes children shout out things like: “I hate you!”, “You’re the worst mom ever”, “Why did you give birth to me?”, and it can be really hurtful. But in most cases it’s not about you at all — such behavior only indicates the child’s complex feelings, which a developing, immature brain cannot yet process.
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