Conflict or search for a better solution: learn how to come to an agreement with your partner

It is becoming increasingly difficult to reach an agreement, but you want to save your relationship — many couples have been in this situation. Some people prefer to pressure and manipulate to get their way, and others discover more effective ways to solve the problem.

The first thing you should do is talk to each other openly and honestly. And carefully observe your own reactions during the conversation. Perhaps you feel constantly annoyed or you want to raise your voice even before the conversation starts? Such emotions make it difficult not only to express your thoughts, but also to listen to and understand your partner. As a result, you fail to take in what the other one is saying and solve your issues. In addition, you add more negative emotions on top of the problem which makes it even harder to overcome.

If you recognize your relationship in this description, try to track your emotions and reactions when you communicate with your loved one. Learn to manage them and find ways to relieve tension before you feel like blowing up. In order to achieve this, use some helpful practices for physical and emotional self-regulation:

– breathing exercises;

– sports and physical exercise;

– expressing your feelings in writing;

– meditations;

– therapy.

You can also use “I-messages” to help you build a meaningful dialogue: instead of usual complaints, try to articulate your feelings (for example: “I feel hurt…”, “I’m angry…”, “I feel annoyed when you…”) and clearly formulate your requests (for example: “I would like you to…”, “It will be easier for me…”, “I will appreciate if you…”). 

In addition to that, there are two excellent ways to come to an agreement when your points of view clash: compromising and finding the best solution.

Compromise

A typical example: you and your partner want to choose a movie for the night. You prefer comedy, and he prefers drama. What should you do?

Use the following algorithm:

1. Listen to your partner respectfully. Let each of you express their point of view.

2. Suggest discussing what you both like about comedies and dramas. You may find common elements that will be interesting to both of you.

3. Compromise. Try to choose a movie that combines elements of comedy and drama. For example, a romantic comedy or a dramatic comedy.

4. Take the initiative into your own hands. Suggest that one of you choose a movie this time, and the other one the next time.

Finding the best solution

The situation: you and your partner seem to be unable to divide household responsibilities. You believe that you both should do everything equally, and he insists on doing only some specific chores.

What can you do?

○ Exchange ideas. Suggest making a list of all household chores together and ranking them according to their importance (for example, loading the dishwasher after a meal has first priority, while wiping the kitchen windows has second priority).

○ Try different things. For example, switch responsibilities for a while so that each of you can get a first-hand experience of how difficult and important some tasks are. This will help you find out which chores are better suited for one of you and which for the other (and then you will stop devaluing each other’s efforts so much).

○ Trust each other. After exchanging ideas and experiences, talk about which responsibilities are more suitable for each of you, taking into account the identified preferences and skills. And just trust each other to do them. You can distribute tasks so that each partner does what they like best.

○ Talk. Agree to discuss your responsibilities regularly to switch them up from time to time. This “calibration” will allow you to better understand each other, adapt to changing circumstances and meet the needs of both partners.

○ Help and support each other. This is not only important for managing everyday life, but also for the relationship overall. If one partner is temporarily busy or experiencing difficulties, then the other can take over some of the chores to ease the pressure. At the same time, it’s important to be able to ask for help, as well as to know when to offer it.

Of course, every couple’s relationship (and every couple) is unique, and there is no universal recipe for reaching agreement in 100% of cases. The main thing is to look in the same direction and be open to dialogue.