Boundaries with your parents 

Where should you put boundaries in the relationship with your parents and what should they look like?

There is no single answer to this question, because every family is unique. Traditions, parenting methods, personal traits of the family members, behavior patterns, living conditions, mentality — all this and many other factors will influence these boundaries. In this article we will figure out what to do if you want to change your relationship with parents.

Step 1.

To take the first step in setting your boundaries, identify your personal needs and preferences. Ask yourself: 

— What do I want and what do I not want in the relationship with my parents? 

— What kind of space and level of independence do I want to have?

Think about the following categories:

1. Personal space. Identify what space you want to keep for yourself. It can be some physical place (apartment, room, work area, etc.), personal time, or areas of your private life that you don’t want to share with your parents.

2. Financial independence. Think what level of financial independence you want to achieve: are you ready to take full responsibility for your finances or are you relying on some support from your parents?

3. Decision-making. It’s important to understand how prepared you are to make your own decisions regarding your career, relationships, personal goals, accommodation and other aspects of life. What role can your parents play in this?

4. Emotional boundaries. Think what emotions and feelings you feel comfortable sharing with the older generation, and which ones are better left for yourself or your friends? Take note of what ways of expressing emotions can cause discomfort (both for you and your parents)? What kind of emotional support are you ready to give and accept from them, and what kind of support you rather want to get from your partner or friends?

After you’ve completed the first step, move on to the next one.

Step 2.

Try to communicate with your parents openly and sincerely. Inform them of your intention to set boundaries in your relationship with them and explain that this is important for your well-being, self-realization and … happiness! You may encounter resistance on their part — this is normal, because it can be somewhat stressful for the parents. Listen to their point of view and try to reach understanding.

What can you say?

— «Mom, Dad, I want to talk about the importance of setting boundaries in our relationship. I need to have freedom in making decisions. This will help me develop and find my place in life. I want you to support me in this and respect my desires and boundaries.»

— «Mom, Dad, I love you very much! And as an adult, I need autonomy and a chance to make my own decisions. I understand that you want to take care of me and you will do it in any case, but I ask you to respect my desires and boundaries. I’m looking for an apartment and plan to live separately starting from next month…»

— «Mom, I’ve already asked you to knock when you come into my room. I know that you can forget about my request and enter without knocking simply out of habit. But I want you to understand that this is important to me.»

These boundaries can relate to different aspects of life: personal space, financial independence, making your own decisions, and so on. Voice everything that you believe is important. The more specific your wording is, the better others will understand you.

— «I’m asking you not to interfere with my financial affairs. I want to learn how to manage my money and I will decide for myself how to spend it.»

— «Dad, I know you wanted to teach me how to drive. But I made the decision to take lessons from a driving instructor. I know that I will be stressed (and when I’m stressed, I can be a bit rude), so it will be easier for me to learn this from another person, not somebody close. I don’t want to upset you, but I’m asking you to respect my decision.»

— «Mom, I am able to make decisions on my own, especially regarding my education and career. I’m asking you to support me in this and not to impose your views and expectations on me. I won’t study economy because I’m not interested in this subject.»

Step 3.

Remember that changes don’t happen instantly. Give yourself and your parents time to adapt to a new lifestyle, new habits, decisions and «rules». In other words, to the new norm. Remind your loved ones that you are open to dialogue, talk about your feelings and needs. Meanwhile don’t forget to ask your parents how they feel — this will help you develop trust and will allow you to solve emerging issues together.