Boundaries in relationships

Today, everyone is talking about boundaries. And it is good that we started to understand what it is.

Recently, one of our readers asked us on Instagram: “Do I really need boundaries in a relationship with my partner? We love each other – why do we need boundaries?”

Let’s first identify the cases that definitely represent boundary violations in a couple (see if it happens in your relationship):

– Uninvited criticism.

– Using manipulation to achieve something.

– Controlling your partner in any fashion (checking their phone or pockets, breaking into their social network accounts, etc.)

– Forcing your partner repeatedly to do something that they do not want to do or that brings them discomfort (“We must visit my mom every week – she is used to it!”)

– Refusing to have a dialog, speaking in ultimatums (“No trip to Europe, we are going to Mexico. Period.”)

– Believing that “everything should be common”. Not accepting the fact that your partner has their personal interests.

– Preventing your partner from communicating with other people, regardless of their gender. (“What? Should I allow him to talk to other women? What if…”).

– Including other people in your personal life (discussing your partner with friends, parents, colleagues, etc.).

So, how should you create boundaries in your relationship, why do you need them, and what to do if you and your partner have different views on the “thickness of the walls” and locations of these boundaries?

The most common (and most harmful) misconception is “EverythingShouldBeCommon”. Everything is common – the Facebook account, mobile phones, friends – we are not hiding anything from each other!

When everything is common it means that the couple has “merged” into one: they have not figured out where “I” ends and the partner begins. They act as a whole.

But in reality, the fact that partners have a common Facebook account and want to monitor each other’s social interactions signals certain problems in their relationship. Under the label “we have nothing to hide” the partners conceal fears, anxieties, and mistrust.

It is a paradox – complete openness means the lack of trust.

A well-known notion that partners are two halves of one whole is strange indeed. Is it really possible – to have the same needs and desires?  When people recognize that they are different and choose to remain together – this is the first step towards building an adult relationship. All of us need another person to build a healthy relationship with, not a mirror image of ourselves.

What happens if one of the partners builds boundaries in such a way that they seem like a 6-foot wall to the other partner?

At first, it may be perceived as a rejection. In this case, you must analyze – what is going on here? If you want to get too close, your partner may want to move away – to keep some “breathing room”. In this case, it makes sense to discuss your feelings with your partner: do they feel comfortable? If not – why not? Share your feelings and listen to their feedback.

If you or your partner need to be alone from time to time – this is not a reason to worry and start packing your things. This is a normal human need. But if your nervous partner is trying to occupy more and more territory (starts going to “your” gym, spending time with your friends, never leaving you alone) – you may start wanting to pull away.

The boundaries are violated when one of the partners goes overboard with their care as if the other person is incapable: “Should I warm up the soup?”, “Wear a scarf!”, “Do not forget to take your pill”, “Tell me what you are thinking – I am getting worried!”.

Our personal space lies not only in the “material world” but also in our internal spaces: in spiritual and mental areas. And this is normal.

How can you start building healthy boundaries if you didn’t have them before?

– Figure out and clearly define what is acceptable to you and what isn’t. You should enforce these rules consistently, not just occasionally – otherwise, it will look like you are just being capricious.

– Do not do things that are unacceptable to you to your partner.

– If you did not have any boundaries before, then at first, your partner may react negatively to the new rules. You need to be ready for it.

Having boundaries in a couple is necessary. They allow each person to continue growing, not be fixated on each other, live a more fulfilling life, and continue being interested in each other for a long time.

If you notice that you need to merge with your partner, the first thing you should do is to check if you are in touch with your feelings. Do you understand them? Are you conscious of them? Are you ready to accept the feelings that may seem unpleasant to you?