How to stop controlling everything and start living?

Eleanor came to see a psychologist – she was completely exhausted.

“I simply cannot take this anymore! Everything is on me! I must make sure that my husband takes his pills – his doctor prescribed them. If I do not remind him, he will certainly forget! Then, I need to help our son to do his homework and see that he packed his bag for tomorrow. Otherwise, he will leave something at home, and I will need to drive to his school to bring it to him. How old is my husband? 42, why did you ask? My son is in the 7th grade – why does it matter? Anyway, I’m also a PTA member. Unless you call everyone, no one will donate money for the fundraiser. The youngest daughter should be taken to all her extra-curricular activities. I need to order insoles from an orthopedist and make an appointment with a dentist for her. My test results also came, but I don’t trust the doctor’s opinion – he’s too young. I need to call a friend in the evening – she is a doctor too. She can confirm his recommendations… I need to prepare a healthy breakfast and lay out clothes for everyone in the morning. Yes, and for my husband! I know, he will put on a T-shirt with a stain and will not even notice. My husband wanted to make my life easier and hired a cleaning service. Now I must look after them: they always leave dust here and there… I’m tired, I have no energy left! What should I do? “

Do you feel for Eleanor?

If yes, probably you recognize yourself in her. If not – you are probably wondering how one person can put so much on her shoulders and not crumble under this weight.

Total control of your life and the lives of your loved ones and the desire to control everything come from the fear of change, high anxiety, and self-doubt. Controlling behavior is always fueled by fear – “if I stop, everything will go haywire, crumble, and end in a disaster.”

Excessive control is justified from the evolutionary point of view. If our distant ancestors were not constantly on the lookout, their chances of survival would be close to zero. But in the 21st century, everything is completely different. We do not need to survive. We live quite comfortably and do not have the every minute risk of dying from the teeth of a bloodthirsty beast or becoming a victim of a neighboring tribe.

Shall we see if excessive control is your problem?

Answer these questions:

• Are you the only one who knows what is the best way to proceed in any given situation?
• Are you trying to manage any process?
• Are you trying to control the actions of others?
• Do you plan everything and feel very upset if your plans get disrupted?
• Do you think that you are right and everyone else is wrong?
• Do you use critique, comments, and suggestions as the only way to express your opinions about other people and their actions?
• Do you try to “correct” everything that was done before you?
• Do you feel that you need to get detailed information about who will do what, at what time, and how?
• Does spontaneity make you uncomfortable?
• Do you get stuck on minor details?
• Are you certain that others will screw up (if you want to do it right, do it yourself)?
• Are you convinced that if you have not controlled everything, things would be in a much worse shape?

If you answered “yes” more than four times – you are a “controller”, sorry.

We are sorry because the goal of a controller is unrealistic – it is impossible to control everything. If you realize that excessive control is your problem, you must do something about it.

Here are our recommendations:

1. Acknowledge that you have this problem and it prevents you from having a peaceful and harmonious life. The path to the solution starts from acknowledging the problem.

2. Start delegating. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, you feel worried. But it is necessary. What can you delegate to your partner? To your son or daughter? To your colleagues? To your mom? If you think that it is impossible, answer these questions:

• What will happen if you delegate some of your responsibilities?
• Is it true that a disaster will happen? Some catastrophe that cannot be reversed?

3. Insert a pause (a stop sign) between the stimulus and the reaction. During this pause ask yourself whether this is what you should do or there are other options.

For example, you observe that your daughter is vacuuming not as thoroughly and not in the same order as you would. Your habitual reaction is to take a vacuum cleaner and start redoing the work. Stop yourself and ask: is this what you should do or there are other options? (pause)

Perhaps, you may choose a different course of action since you know that your first reaction was driven by the desire to control, which does not bring you peace and, at the same time, spoils your relationship with others.

4. Come up with a list of things that you truly can control and which are definitely your business. Do not forget that someone else’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, weather, circumstances are not under your control, and some situations simply have nothing to do with you.

5. Learn to “go with the flow”. There is a good phrase – “Do not push the river, it will flow itself”. Let go of the situation and see what will come out of it. This is a great exercise to make your life happier and more harmonious.