When your close person is ruining their life

When we see that people close to us do not take good care of themselves and perform actions that potentially could ruin their health or threaten their life it is very hard not to interfere.

What to do in such situations?

First and foremost, you need to find out your real motives and define who is really being hurt or experiences discomfort because of the actions of your close one.

Irene is often chastising her husband Alex because he is not taking care of his health: he eats deep-fried food and doesn’t go to the gym despite all Irene’s efforts and lectures about the dangers of being overweight. They fight a lot for this reason. Irene is a fitness coach. Her BMI is perfect, she has been a vegetarian for 10 years, and in general, she takes very good care of her body.

Irene states that she worries about her husband’s health, but she also admits that she would like to see him more fit – “what will others say?”. Turns out that Alex and Irene have very different ideas about what a body “should look like”. So, whom does Irene care about in reality?

Sometimes the crux of the matter is not the fact that your close person does not take care of themselves, but the fact that your views are very different. But why should anybody live according to the ideas of another person?

Alina participates in motorcycle racing. When she met Keegan, she has already won a few championships and was not going to stop there. Racing is an integral part of her life. However, Keegan believes that riding motorcycles is almost suicidal behavior – anything can happen, and Alina, by the way, already has had injuries. He insists that she would leave the sport and find a safer hobby.

Keegan does not consider that motorsport is very important for Alina. His argument about safety cannot trump her argument about purpose in life. Keegan does not take into account her priorities and life goals. If he does not understand this, it will be difficult for this couple to develop their relationship.

If in your concern for a loved one you discern personal motives – then immediately it will become easier to cope, because then this is YOUR problem, not theirs.

There is another possibility: your loved one is really hurting themselves and you can’t just sit and watch.

Over the past six months, Troy has experienced quite a few difficult life events: the death of a close friend, the illness of his father, and a layoff from work. He began to drink alcohol much more often than before. His girlfriend Kate suspects that Troy is depressed and is very worried about him.

In this case, too, it is important to understand that you will not be able to live FOR another person and make choices for them. You cannot be responsible for another person, even the most beloved and dear one. However, you can provide maximum support and offer help, perhaps more than once.

Support means that you send a message that “I see and understand that it is very difficult for you now. I am on your side, and I want / am ready to help you. ” This throws a bridge to the “healthy” part of the loved one and they may request your help.

If all else fails, you will have to accept it and define for yourself what you are going to do with this situation. Not with your partner, but with yourself.

Every person has the right to choose their way of life and how to behave. Even if it seems to you that you know how the other person is supposed to live, most probably, it is just your opinion, and you should deal with it on your own.