I don’t want anything

Tanya turned to a psychologist because she often felt sick and had no energy. Somehow, everything appeared bad all the time, but she did not know why. She often had headaches. Her mood was always exactly zero: neither good nor bad. Apathy accompanied Tanya all her life. She was regularly treated for depression and was almost used to it.

First of all, the psychologist suggested that Tanya would see a doctor because such symptoms can have a physiological cause. But everything turned out to be in order.

Then they began to talk about her life – what it is like and what fills it. And found out this…

Tanya always knew that her birth prevented her mother from becoming a great dancer. Mother often complained about this: said that Tanya was so stupid and it would have been better to have an abortion… If Tanya could disappear, sink into the ground, she would have done so. And it would have been even better not to be born at all, so as not to interfere with her mother’s plans… But, of course, Tanya had no choice… And, according to her mother, her daughter should be grateful to her for the gift of life… And Tanya was grateful…

The psychologist asked about what Tanya wanted. She was surprised by this question and clarified: “What do you mean what I want?” Her needs never mattered before. Mom used to say: “You will do without it.” or “And I want a pony”. Tanya did not have any desires for a very long time. She ate because she needed to eat, bought clothes when the old ones fell into disrepair…

A person, as a rule, pays dearly for giving up their needs and desires, and their body often suffers. The inability to process painful feelings, blocking one’s emotionality, sacrificing personal choice in favor of attitudes instilled in childhood – all these lead to mental dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s life.

Tanya did not feel anything, because she “could not” allow herself to find inside the anger at her mother who treated her like that. Unwillingness to face these difficult feelings made her unconsciously choose to give up her desires. Hence, she experienced dissatisfaction with herself and her life and a lack of motivation.

And then the process of defrosting Tanya’s needs and finding the real Tanya began. First, the body began to come to life. Then feelings appear. And those who came first were not very pleasant: Tanya felt strong anger for the first time in her life – and she felt alive.

With the help of her psychologist, Tanya experienced and learned to appropriately express the most difficult feelings. She no longer had to push them into a hidden box. She stopped masking her feelings with various symptoms and diseases. Her apathy slowly but surely began to leave her.

The turn to recovery happened on the day when Tanya came for a consultation in a new raincoat and said that today she wanted a pineapple. She wanted! A pineapple! And how delicious it was!