When you don’t want to but you have to…

Every one of us at some point may encounter a situation when we must communicate with a person whom we don’t like. After all, you do not always have the opportunity to pick with whom you interact. Maybe, these are your colleagues, whom you didn’t choose. Or your boss. Or an annoying relative. Or perhaps, your ex-spouse with whom you need to maintain contact because you are co-parenting your children. 

In either case, communication with these people brings up irritation that is about to burst outside, forget about harmony or peacefulness! 

What can you do? Should you squabble all the time? Or scowl and pretend that you are “in a cocoon”? No, this will not work… Let’s consider more effective approaches.

First, it is important to determine the real reason why you get irritated. There may be different explanations:

1) You don’t like the way the person dresses/looks/communicates/talks.

2) The person has toxic behaviors: they manipulate, create conflicts, squabble, and violate your boundaries.

3) You have experiences of negative interaction with them. 

Second, you need to identify whether you have to interact with them and in what format. To do this, answer these questions:

⚬ What connects me with this person?

⚬ To what extent is it necessary for me to communicate with them directly?

⚬ Is there a possibility to communicate indirectly (for example, through other people or by using technology)?

If you conclude that you can minimize your interaction or mediate it – great! If not – let’s continue.

We found the reasons for your irritation and disliking, now it is time to talk about what you can do in different situations.

Let’s first consider case A, when your disliking is based on the way the person looks, dresses, etc. Since we are all adults and understand that other people don’t have to conform to our expectations, it makes sense to look inside for the reason for these negative emotions. You don’t like people with tattoos? Perhaps, you find it annoying that someone allows themselves something that you cannot allow yourself? You get irritated because your colleague is overweight? How do you feel about your shortcomings? Perhaps, you are afraid that you will be rejected if you gain weight? Every reaction has a reason. If you find it – you will get an important insight into yourself. And your irritation may disappear too, by the way.

Now, let’s consider case B – when a person has toxic behaviors. You definitely will not be able to ignore it. It is important to maintain boundaries with such a person and not let them onto “your” territory.

For example, “I don’t like when you call me “dear” – please address me by my name”. And then no longer respond to the indicated option.

If we are talking about a close relative, then it makes sense to:

✓ Talk about neutral and safe subjects.

✓ Leave yourself an “escape route” in case the situation becomes tense: “Oh, I am sorry – I have an important call. Let’s continue our discussion next time.”

In this case, it is very important to maintain boundaries and a certain format of interaction. Assume you have an ex-spouse with whom you fight on every occasion. Identify the topics for future communication and do not allow switching to a different topic. You are co-parenting – therefore, discuss only these issues.

If communication doesn’t bring you joy, it doesn’t mean that it has to be torture. The most important thing is to find the “right” way to maintain contact.