What about a gaslighting aggressor?

As in the case of abuse (it’s quite difficult to separate one from the other, because the lines can be quite blurry), gaslighters often apply to other people what they themselves have once experienced in one way or another, or have observed within their family. Aggressors might have different reasons for what they do – conscious and subconscious, obvious and less so.

Julianna grew up in a family where nobody cared about her value as a person. Parents took care of their lives: they’d get together, split up, tug Julianna between them like a rope, each trying to win her over to their side in order to have an advantage in the conflict. Julianna desperately needed attention and support and caught the breadcrumbs wherever she could. At school, she once faked a faint, and the teacher felt sorry for her and began to care for her much more than for others, sometimes braiding her hair and having “heart to heart” chats after class. Julianna began to “get sick” quite often in order to receive her dose of care. When she got a boyfriend, Julianna went crazy with anxiety, afraid to lose him, and used the usual methods. If he tried to go about his business, she accused him of not paying attention to her, “fainted” from the frustration, not forgetting later to say that this was all happening to her because of him. When her boyfriend received a grant for an internship abroad, Julianna went to the hospital with a nervous breakdown, and wrote him a letter in which she threatened that if he left, she would take all her pills, for it was impossible for her to live without him for half a year.

Is delicate Julianna an aggressor? Absolutely. However, she’s far from aware of the destructiveness of her actions and believes that this way she’s “fighting for her love.” Self-assertion is another prevailing motive of the gaslighting aggressor. It’s as though he’s rising above the victim, creating this alternative reality for her.

At the very start of Ali’s and Dennis’ relationship, Dennis would literally wrap Ali in his love and attention. A huge number of compliments, confessions – he expressed the need to be near her with his entire self. Ali got used to feeling like the literal center of the universe. And then the source of endless admiration and adoration has dried up. Dennis pulled away, became cold and indifferent, and Ali was ready for almost anything to become his “ladylove” again. And Dennis “rationed” his explanation to her about “what the problem is.” It turned out that Ali should lose weight and pump up – she herself should understand that such hips are unacceptable for a ladylove, and it goes beyond all the acceptable limits, in which a lady should be eating like a bird. And he, Dennis, wants to adore her again so badly! Ali must watch her speech, some common expressions “slip through” which make Dennis’ sophisticated face twitch: “It’s like you’re some hillbilly, really.” Dennis would explain in layman’s terms that the problem wasn’t with him, but with Ali, and when she tried to share with him the responsibility for the relationship, she received a sad look and a sigh in response, “Honey, you see, you’re not seeing things properly. Look how hard I work for us! And you’re ruining everything, and it’s so sad … “

Dennis gradually gained almost unlimited control over Ali. Her desire to be loved by him became his weapon, and he endlessly asserts himself,  explaining her “mistakes” to her time after time, and at the same time fancying himself a do-gooder, because he’s educating her, and even saving Ali from her imperfections, making her better. Like Pygmalion, you know …

Sometimes the aggressor receives real benefits, which can be translated into material values. For example, getting ownership of an apartment, while the victim unquestioningly complies with all the conditions and is not indignant. One way or another, the gaslighter paints a picture in which they’re beautiful, smart, strong, and the victim is the opposite: stupid, clueless, in a word – bad. And against this background, they, of course, are even more dazzling. Or like Julianna, the aggressor is weak and helpless, and his victim is cruel and tries to harm them with his actions.

So, this is what a gaslighter does in relationships:

– makes you look bad and does so quite masterfully. People around you, and even you yourself can be thinking that this is just… the truth and a form of caring;

– changes the conversation topics uncomfortable for them; for example, in response to a comment that they haven’t worked for six months, they answer: “I have to stay home, look how bad of a job you do looking after the children!” Do you remember how last month our daughter split her lip because of you?”;

– understates and devalues (“Well, you just can’t be so sensitive”, “It only seems that way to you”, “You’re overthinking as usual”, “and it wasn’t offensive at all, you just react inappropriately”);

– denies and avoids (I can’t remember such a thing, you made it up”, “ You’re lying, I never said that”, “ I don’t understand you at all now! ”, “ God, do you even hear yourself? ”;

 – distorts, changes, literally flips everything the other way around, and now you feel stupid, because everything was completely different (I didn’t hit you, how can you say that! I just touched you with your hand, and you fell ”, “If you If you remember the situation, you’ll understand that I was just trying to help you, and, as usual, I got “raked” for it …)

If there’s a feeling that you’re looking through a distorted looking-glass, and you feel that your feelings are too much at odds with what they’re saying, it makes sense to carefully analyze your relationships and what’s happening in it. This isn’t easy, because at a certain stage it’s already difficult to trust your feelings.