Introducing Day One of the Antidote course.
Perhaps only a lazy person wouldn’t write about how to see toxicity in the people around them and how to behave accordingly.
The main idea of every observation is that toxic characters have one “amazing gift” – they always turn communication with them into an unpleasant and stressful situation. This kind of person can cause us strange irritation, anxiety, guilt, or confusion. They know how to hurt with words, to put us in a terrible mood, all while at the same time, not forgetting to carefully control our lives.
We can imagine that this is most often than not a terribly unpleasant person, an aggressor, a grump. However, most often the “poison” is released by seemingly nice, kind people, and they do it slowly and gradually.
And here, the question arises: “I’m a good, nice person, surrounded by loved ones; but is it possible that I have toxic traits and occasionally poison the lives of others without knowing it?”
Usually such a thought doesn’t sneak up on us for nothing. You probably notice that something is not working out in your relationships with other people; your circle of friends is narrowing and the tension between you and your partner is growing.
Let’s try to determine how true your fears on the toxicity of your character are.
Read the following statements carefully and think about how they fit your behavior.
1. I try not to criticize my friends (so as not to offend them), but to criticize only their activities, work, acquaintances, hobbies and the like.
2. When someone shares their joy with me, I don’t try to be happy for them. It might seem to me that the reason for their joy is quite small, and this person doesn’t quite understand the situation that makes him or her happy. Anyway, some nonsense is making them happy. Of course, I’m often told that I’m trying to “bring a man down from heaven to earth”.
3. I try to control the lives of my loved ones and give wise advice, because they themselves are lost, often miss important things, and do not understand the complexity of the world.
4. I admire a person and only compliment them if they are important to me and I may need their help soon.
5. If I make a mistake, I will definitely admit it to myself. There is no point in asking for forgiveness: the main thing is to realize that you yourself are wrong.
6. Self-esteem is always difficult for me: sometimes I think that I’m just a saint compared to others, and sometimes I think that I’m nothing.
7. Recently I have begun to notice that people have been avoiding communication with me or trying to shorten our meetings.
8. In a relationship with a loved one, we have recurring “swings” with perfection and love on one end, and ugly, break-up inducing scandals on the other.
9. I am a mannered person, but often I am accused of not calling at the right time or coming, violating someone else’s plans.
10. I suppose I am a sensitive person, but for some reason it’s difficult for me to understand how the other person feels or to imagine myself in their place.
11. My troubles and problems are most often caused by other people or adverse circumstances.
12. Sometimes I’m told that I can’t listen and I keep steering the conversation on myself.
13. We all differ in our education, social status, and professions, so for different groups of people I choose different ways of communication – with relatives, softly and gently, and with service workers – strictly and briefly, and so on.
14. I believe that if a person really loves me, they should understand and accept my emotional outbursts, irritability, anger, bad mood…
15. I am not a manipulator, but I try to develop models of behavior that will help me influence the actions of others. It will be good for them and for me, too.
16. It is difficult for me to ask for help, to openly express reproach or dissatisfaction, so I try to speak with hints, to show facial expressions and sighs that something is bothering me.
17. When I’m sick, I try to make sure everyone knows about it. If I am a “resilient tin soldier”, no one will ever show pity, sympathy or care.
18. I don’t have a lot of people close to me, but I would follow them into fire and water. They are my treasure, and I’m even sometimes a little jealous of their new friends or hobbies.
19. I know about personal space and boundaries, but I believe that checking phones, social networks, and clothes is sometimes a reasonable necessity.
20. I often get lonely, even though there are so many people I love around me, and I do something to help them every day. The feeling of need is always priceless.
The more of these statements you identify with, the more difficult the situation is. Most likely, you aren’t a stranger to negativity being sowed around you and the immersion of others in dark thoughts and feelings.
We’ll warn you immediately – this is not a diagnosis, and do not put a cross over yourself! Toxic behavior can be smoothed out, corrected, and the fact that you see it in yourself, means that you’re halfway to victory.
We understand that you’ve got chaos and panic in your heads right now. What am I doing wrong? Where am I toxic? Or maybe it’s just the circumstances that force me to be that person? Or perhaps I’m just a little “poisonous”?
Calm down, we’ll deal with all these questions and concerns in time.
We promise, the road will be difficult, but interesting!
TASK
- Let’s try to understand where it all started: at what point did you get the thought that your behavior caused negative emotions in people around you?
For example,
- My friends are less likely to write and call.
- My colleagues have almost stopped inviting me to their tea breaks.
- People have started to resent me more.
- I was openly told that I was a “toxic person”, etc.
Think about what the reason may be explaining this change in behavior towards you. For example, “my colleagues have almost stopped inviting me to tea breaks”:
- I’m not an interesting person to talk to
- I only talk about myself all the time
- My colleagues do not like my advice or criticism
- I try to talk about serious things, and people don’t like it, etc.
- Write down which statements from our list are close to you, and try to think about why you think that way.
For example, “My troubles and problems are most often caused by other people or adverse circumstances.
– How can this not be true?! Unfortunately, modern people are not punctual; they’re irresponsible and poorly educated, which explains all my troubles. And circumstances often unfold as God pleases – it certainly does not depend on me.
You can continue to work on yourself and get rid of toxic trends via the “Antidote” course. You can find it in the Course section.
Self-therapy can be an essential tool for personal growth and self-improvement.
Browse through our courses and see the positive changes they can bring to your life.
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