You might think that this topic is a little funny, or perhaps not profound enough for a psychological article. But we decided to talk about it for two reasons.
First, is it a burning subject. Many, almost all of us, encountered a situation where we experienced difficulties interacting because our counterpart didn’t smell good.
Second, behind our hesitation to bring this up, there are some deep issues. Let’s start with them.
Why is it so difficult to just go ahead and say to another person: “Look, you don’t smell good”?
Because, in your mind, this may hurt or upset the other person. When you see them reacting this way, you are risking facing a lot of tension – both in communication and internally.
Ability to withstand this kind of tension – when you tell someone something that is unpleasant for them, but that is necessary for your interaction – is a trait of a mature person.
To simplify, you may think that when you are saying something unpleasant you are taking on the role of a horrible messenger bringing bad news. Nobody wants to be bad.
Besides the awkwardness that will definitely appear after your message, it is also not so easy to stomach it. It is like a micro-conflict.
If everything that we just told you rings a bell, you may need to think about your strategy for dealing with conflicts.
Another reason why you may be avoiding at all costs telling someone about their bad smell is your fantasy that such information may hurt the person too much.
In reality, it isn’t so.
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You are not sure where to begin?
If you are dealing with a mature and reasonable person, then such information, if presented tactfully, is not going to hurt them in any way.
Obviously, they will not be too happy about it, but they are not going to fall apart either. Look, we are not afraid to say, for example, “there is a stain on your jacket”. All in all, the situations are very similar.
You need to take away this fantasy of yours: why do I think that such information is going to upset someone way too much? Is this about me? How would I react to such a message? Or, perhaps, do I think that others are more fragile and are not able to handle this?
The third reason is that, perhaps, you are not distinguishing correctly personal boundaries.
Perhaps, you think that it is our duty to accept everyone as they are, in any sense.
But it is quite different when you come to a person with the message “I don’t like how you dress” – that would be indeed a blatant violation of personal boundaries. Another person’s clothing cannot hurt you in any way.
With the smell – it is a different story because it affects you. It is in the area of relationships. For example, if you are extra-sensitive, you can experience real difficulties. An unpleasant smell can make you feel nauseous.
Therefore, in this case, you are not trying to change someone to make them more convenient for you. No.
It is an attempt to improve your interaction. Because, unfortunately, when a person smells bad, we cannot communicate with them properly.
How can you phrase your request?
First, say it outright, without beating around bush, hinting, and apologizing 15 times. All of this may increase the tension and make the situation even worse.
Second, use an “I” message. “You know, it is difficult for me, because your natural smell is too intense for me.” Or “I am experiencing difficulties in our contact, because I am very sensitive to smells, and you are smelling too strongly for me.” Or “I wanted to bring up a delicate issue. Lately, it has been difficult for me to interact with you, because you are smelling too strongly for me. Sometimes people are not aware of this, so I wanted to bring this up to your attention.”
IMPORTANT!
It is likely that your counterpart will be confused at first or perhaps even a little upset. It is normal and it should go away quickly.
If, on the other hand, your counterpart gets offended by your tactful message, you will have to accept, that, unfortunately, this person is not able to handle difficulties in communication.
