How’re you getting on? Did you manage to imagine those items on the map that we already “drew”? Keep going, we’ve a lot more important “stops” to make!
The Cave of the Past
Yes, we won’t deny that there’s a territory on the map filled with old junk. It’s there, and occasionally, spiders crawl out from under there, and perhaps there are ghosts there.
Of course. There’s a desire to lock it down and pretend it doesn’t exist at all. We don’t recommend it, to be honest. First of all, imagine that the apartment is tidy all over and there’s a pile of dirty, useless stuff somewhere, ew…
Secondly, something in there might go bad and start to stink, who needs that.
Start with an inventory. What can be “stored” there: ideas like “It’s my fault what happened to me”, “since he’d done it before, it’s OK to treat me LIKE THAT”, “happiness isn’t for me”, “I’ll ruin everything anyway”, “I’m a processed material, there’s nothing good for me out there”.
All of that are convictions that are deeply ingrained in your head and are poisoning your current existence and the worst thing is that if you leave them in the cupboard, they could soil your future.
Lana hasn’t been in a new relationship, although almost 4 years have already passed since her terrible past. Lana seemed to have long wanted to be with another person, but … nothing was happening. At a therapy session, it was discovered that she, Lana, was convinced that she didn’t deserve anything good, which means that if someone did show, he’d also beat and humiliate her like her
ex-husband. And, as soon as someone appeared on the horizon, he fell into an imaginary “fork” – if he didn’t pay attention, it meant he was good and I simply wasn’t worthy of him, and if he did it meant he was a future rapist. And how could any relationship happen here? It’d be like combining a condom, birth control pills and just in case abstaining from sex and hoping for a wonderful conception at the same time.
And Mary’s relationships started successfully, but their ending was far from that. The reason was that the new partner had to bear the brunt of Mary’s past negative experience and drag it along, and no man was ready to become “a trash bag”.
Both Lana and Mary need to deal with their cupboard, otherwise one simply won’t get a new partner – there’s just no chance – and the other has the need to deal with her problems herself without piling them onto her partner – take out her own trash herself, in other words.
Life-giving River
What state is your emotional world in? Unstable, we presume. You have to watch this flowy substance to make sure what’s happening to it. For example, you may notice that the “river” is in a frozen state. If you weren’t allowed to “feel” properly for a long time, these feelings “freeze” in order for you not to die from the unbearableness of them, and the person might seem alive on the outside, but fully numb, paralyzed on the inside.
Or perhaps the river has nearly stopped flowing because there’s a lot of trash in it – heavy feelings of guilt, shame, anger. You have to cleanse yourself, detox from it, if there’s too much trash – it’s best to ask a therapist for help, that’ll make things go quicker and safer.
The main goal is to cleanse this zone for the river to flow calmly and evenly. You can use different visualization techniques: imagine this river and extracting snags, oil stains and plastic cups from it, and then its calm and even flow.
House of Resources
A very important place! It’s somewhere close to “almightiness”. These resources are the ones which will help you solve the problems in your new life by yourself or with the help of others. In fact, when you walk into the House of Resources and look around, you can see how much you’ve got to keep moving forward and solve various hardships. Hardships are normal, they’re a part of our lives. In order to solve them, you can use the help of experts in various fields (and don’t be afraid to do that) and use a great, well-thought-out plan – an algorithm. During the relationship, the abuser claimed that you didn’t have such a house. Try to remember all the problems that you’ve solved yourself in this life. Each problem had its own tool for solution. So, your garage is far from empty.
Remember how scared you were that you would never pass the driving test? But after hours of test drives, liters of sweat on the back of the driver’s seat, a competent instructor, you’re now an auto lady; if you try, you can personally remember dozens of your own achievements in solving various problems.
The Wall of Glory
Previously, this spot was occupied by the Wall of Tears, but I think we’ll replace it. You yourself decide what’s gonna be on this wall. At first, it might seem that you don’t really have anything to hang onto it. Me? I’m nothing special… But that’s not true. In the middle, you should attach a medal for saving yourself. And then various medals for achievements. Here’s a medal for showing bravery in job hunting. Here’s a badge “For believing in yourself”. And of course: for pulling yourself out of the swamp by the hair, for being a good mom, for… Please don’t forget to continue this list.
Labyrinth of reason
The place where thoughts are stored. That’s where the corner from which cockroaches and spiders occasionally crawl out from is.
Every thought about yourself and your relationship should be taken out, meticulously examined, wiped like a crystal glass, checked in the sun for spots. It’s best to take out the old stuff beyond the limits of your map. If your mother still collects Gzhel, but you don’t need it, say goodbye to it if that hill of unidentified bolts is left from the “ex” – wave it goodbye too.
What are we talking about? Toxic thoughts eat into the skin, and it’s difficult to get rid of them. First of all, because it seems that “what if it’s me?”, “What if it’s still useful to me?” If you’ve always been told that you “couldn’t find your ass with both hands”, it starts to seem like an axiom that it’s really true! You’ll drop everything, stain everything, step in the wrong direction, ruin everything! But maybe this is not true at all? It’s worth throwing away something without regret, and replacing something else with something better, and you’d feel like a new person! And you really have been upgraded.
Square of hobbies and interests
This was an empty plot of land for a long time. Since everything was devalued, interests were out of the question; or you had to survive and there was no room for hobbies either. Remember what you used to like. What hobbies made you happy, brought you pleasure? If you can’t remember anything and everything’s blocked out, try new, different things of all sorts. You’ve been sitting in the cupboard for too long – it’s time to let yourself taste different opportunities. How about Yoga? Carving? Drawing? Cooking? Cheese-making? Try it – everything’s in your hands, fill this zone with what fulfils you. You can easily throw everything that’s not yours, everything that you don’t love right now, and it doesn’t make you happy out of this zone. Turnover is fine at this point. The most important thing is to try and fill it. Yes, even if it’s hard. And even if you’ve got enough on your plate as is.
The Library of pleasures.
This area is close to the previous one. It’s likely that there used to be a lot of stuff that your ex considered nonsense, your “silliness”, idiotic pastime which wasn’t worth your time, your money, etc.
Before she moved in with Roman, Zoe was a nail artist. Roman was squeamish about this profession and always said how disgusting it was to do a manicure for someone, and a pedicure even more so, eww. Roman arranged for Zoe to be his company secretary, and for the next 2 years, Zoe plunged into apathy, almost physically sensing how she was losing herself, serving coffee and printing bits of paper. The secretary had no other tasks, but she was always “under supervision” of Roman’s watchful eye. Use of the phone in the office was strictly banned, and at home he believed that, “you have to serve your husband.” And Zoe dreamed about her profession, missed it, drew nails and various manicure designs …
It doesn’t have to be about the profession – can just be about what you like, but what he prohibited you from doing. Nice clothes (“Why do you need dresses, you’re always home!”), Italian classes (“What the heck for? Are you gonna move to Italy or something?”), coffee cups collecting (your crap is all over the place).
The Bridge of Social contacts
Probably this section was really erased during the time near the abuser. They don’t like when there are a lot of people near their victim, as it’s easier to influence a person when you’re their only sunshine. This zone needs to be gradually restored: text or call a former friend or colleagues with whom you used to be close, restore and foster the relationships with those on your side – friends, relatives. This social network will really help you, won’t let you be on your own with no support.
This article is the last and a very important puzzle piece for the picture we’ve been putting together for the last few days. A picture of your new future – a future without beatings, swearing, bullying and humiliation.
Respecting everyone’s right to choose, we can only wish you your own choices. Choose to be happy – this is a win-win option.
